Resident Evil CODE: Veronica Y
by Sonic19902
Summary: Claire Redfield has been CAPTURED! Gasp! Now she needs to find a way to get out of Rockfort Island alive, and needs to survive hanging out with a buncha idiots! Parody of RECVX.
1. The Beginning of Disk 1

Hiya! I think I'll try to make my first RE fic! This is a parody thingy of Resident Evil CODE: Veronica (X)! Please R&R, I want to see what you think. I don't own Claire, Rodrigo, or any other Resident Evil characters. They are copyright of Capcom, so Don't SUE ME!!! ^_^ Anyway, on with the fanfic...  
  
  
  
  
  
The American Mid-Western Town called Raccoon City has been completely decimated to the T-Virus outbreak thanks to the international corporation called Umbrella (which used to sell umbrellas BTW). Claire Redfield, a sexy 19-year-old college student/action hero lady, and a butt ugly rookie police officer named Leon S. Kenney (no relation to President Kennedy) managed to survive these horrors. Actually...about 8 more people survived too, but no one gives a crap about them right now. But their ordeal was a prelude of things to come...  
  
  
  
3 Months Later...  
  
  
  
Two big helicopters with Umbrella logos on them flew towards a big island. A woman was placed inside a jail cell, covered in a bag.  
  
  
  
"Your code thingy is W4K996TXYZ1NPC4BQ9PD..." said a soldier.  
  
  
  
They took the bag off of the girls head to reveal...dun dun dun...Claire Redfield! Yes, that short, kinda chubby girl from Resident Evil 2 who managed to kick some major ass.  
  
  
  
"Welcome to your new home..."  
  
  
  
Claire turned around to meet the butt of the mans rifle. She fell to the floor.  
  
  
  
Narrator: Her name is Claire Redfield. She was caught littering at an Umbrella base in Paris. Her favorite color is red. She likes flowers, sunsets, and men who aren't afraid to cry. She was caught looking for her long lost brother Chris Redfield, one of the survivors on S.T.A.R.S. team.  
  
  
  
Shows Claire running down a long hallway as action music played. A bunch of bullets zipped past her as she continued running. She threw a banana behind her and a soldier slipped on it, falling on his face. She laughed evilly and got to the window when a bright light shined. Claire covered her face and hissed.  
  
  
  
"THE LIGHT!!! THE LIGHTTT!!!!! MY EYEEEES!!!!!!!" Claire screamed.  
  
  
  
Claire looked to see a machine gun whirring. She gasped, turned and ran past the two guards just in time. The guards didn't make it as they were pumped full of led (YAY!). Claire fell on her face, got up and started running again down the extremely long hallway as the chopper followed along side the window. It aimed at her and fired, she was able to keep just ahead of the fire until the chopper crashed into a telephone pole.  
  
  
  
"Hahaha! Suckers!" She yelled as she continued running. She turned to see a stairs right in front of her. "AHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
Claire tripped and fell down the stairs. She rolled back up and looked to see 100 bazillion soldiers aiming guns at her.  
  
  
  
"Aw crackers....."  
  
  
  
The soldiers started walking towards her. She looked behind them to see conveniently placed gas tanks. She grinned and raised her arms up. She did some weird John Woo move, which ended up with her falling on her ass. The gun landed on her hand and she fired at the tanks. They, of course, exploded and sent everyone flying. Claire landed in front of the stairs. She looked at the people lying there amongst the flames.  
  
  
  
"My leg!" one guy yelled.  
  
  
  
Claire got up and smiled. "I kick so much ass! ^_^"  
  
  
  
She heard footsteps and looked up to stare down the barrel of a 14 Caliber Double MXP Handgun with Duel Shock pistol aimer thingys and a semi- automatic trigger thingy.  
  
  
  
"Crap!"  
  
  
  
"Don't move." The cool black dude with the best voice acting in the game said as he aimed his gun at her. Claire scratched her forehead, the guy shot in the air. "DON'T MOVE DAMNIT!!!!"  
  
  
  
"._. Yes sir!" Claire yelled as she froze. The camera does a major close up on Claire's eye, and bumps into it. "OW!"  
  
  
  
"Sorry!" The cameraman yelled.  
  
  
  
It shows Claire on the ground on a prison cell in the darkness. You hear a rumbling sound as Claire gets up and stares at the bars of the cell. She put her hands on the bars and hit her head on them in aggravation. She heard shuffling sounds and looks to see someone walking through the door.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!! ZOMBIE!!!!!!" Claire screamed as she jumped back and started hyperventilating. The guy sweatdropped and stood in front of the cell, yes, just stood there. Claire sweatdropped. "It's hard to see, I should get my lighter out because I cant see and it's hard to see and the light will make it easier to see." She whispered to herself. She pulled her lighter out of her item list box thingy and turned it on to stare into the face of that same guy who caught her. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" the guy yelled.  
  
  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" they both yelled. The guy opened the door, nodded, and walked to his chair. He sat down and pulled out a medicine capsule.  
  
  
  
"Perfect!" he yelled as he threw the medicine on the floor in aggravation. "Go on! Get out! This place is finished! I dunno, it musta been a Special Forces team. But in any case this prison's been taken over. Our soldiers got distracted by something shiny."  
  
  
  
"What are you saying?" Claire asked.  
  
  
  
"You're free to leave, but you might as well know you're most likely not getting outta here alive."  
  
  
  
"What about you? What are you going to do?"  
  
  
  
"I'm gonna stay here and sit on my ass until a self destruct system is activated or something."  
  
  
  
"How about we work together like Rebecca and Billy did in Resident Evil Zero?"  
  
  
  
"No, I'm tired and I wanna sleep. Goodnight. Wake me up at 5." He said as he fell asleep and started snoring immediately. "Zzzzzzzzzz!"  
  
  
  
"Hello?" Claire asked.  
  
  
  
"Zzzzzzz!"  
  
  
  
"WAKE UP!!!!"  
  
  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!!" The black dude jumped up again.  
  
  
  
"Whoa, calm down."  
  
  
  
"Sorry, it's just that the black guy always dies first..."  
  
  
  
"Oh I understand." Claire said. "Oh, have you seen my brother, about yay hi, short black spiky hair?"  
  
  
  
"No, go awaaaaay!" he said annoyed. He immediately started snoring again. Claire sighed and looked around. She saw handgun bullets on the chair and picked them up.  
  
  
  
"Handgun Bullets. Take it? Yes." She said to herself as she put it in her item pocket thingy. She looked on the floor and read the capsule. "H...h...homicidal...medicine?" she asked as she tried to read the label. "Okay then. I better get some homicidal medicine for him, or not. Oh well." Claire looked on the desk and read the paper. It was a boring report thing so she just skipped to the part that had her name in it.  
  
  
  
'Claire Redfield: Likes to eat cheese'  
  
  
  
"How did they know?" Claire asked. "HOW DID THEY KNOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!???????"  
  
  
  
"Shhhh! I'm trying to sleep!" the black guy said.  
  
  
  
"Sorry." Claire said. She looked at the paper again.  
  
  
  
'Name of the black guy standing next to you: Rodrigo Juan Raval'  
  
  
  
"Ooooooaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Claire said as she looked at him. She looked next to the paper to see a knife. She picked it up. "Combat Knife. Take it? Yes-No. Yes." She put it in her pocket. She looked at the door leading out of the room. "Okay, I bet this door will lead to many hallways and stupid puzzles that'll get me the hell outta here." Claire sighed, opened the door, and walked out.  
  
  
  
Yeah, I know. It's short, but it'll get better! Please R&R! Thanks! 


	2. The Prison Of Evil!

Thanks for the reviews people! Here's the next chappy! ^_^ Enjoy!  
  
Oh, and I'm gonna change this fics rating to R after this chappy. I don't own stuff! On with the fanfic!  
  
  
  
  
  
"Cast of Characters!" a narrator voice yelled as it showed the words 'Cast of Characters' written in red with fire behind it.  
  
  
  
"Starring Claire Redfield!" the narrator guy yelled as it showed Claire doing that classic pose she does on the cover, strategy guide, ect. She looks at the camera, smiles, waves, pulls out a candy bar, and starts eating.  
  
  
  
"Chris Redfield!"  
  
  
  
It shows Chris who's trying a very corny attempt to look tough. He pulls out a cigarette, lights it, and smokes it until he starts choking.  
  
  
  
"Steve Burnside!"  
  
  
  
Shows Steve trying to look sexy, he's laying his arms on an invisible railing and grinning. He puts gel in his hair and grins some more, showing his blindingly white teeth. It blinds the cameraman. A buncha girls, thinking he's Leonardo Decaprio, jump on him.  
  
  
  
"Alfred Ashford!"  
  
  
  
Shows Alfred putting on makeup and posing in front of a mirror. He pulls out some dolls and starts playing dollhouse. When he sees the camera he smiles and slaps his ass. . Yuck.  
  
  
  
"Alexia Ashford!"  
  
  
  
Shows Alexia looking all dark and scary. She's brushing her hair and looks in a mirror. You see Alexia I in the mirror grinning. She looks at the camera, gets a halo over her head, and starts drinking tea (yes, with the pinky extended!!!).  
  
  
  
"Albert Wesker!"  
  
  
  
Shows Wesker standing there, starring. He smiles and you see his eyes glow from behind the sunglasses. Wesker tries to cover his face. He then pulls out a comb and mirror and starts combing his hair.  
  
  
  
"Androdrigoraval!"  
  
  
  
Shows the black guy for about a quarter of a second.  
  
  
  
"In Resident Evil CODE: Veronica Y!!!!"  
  
  
  
Some corny action music plays as it shows Claire walking down the dark hallway.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Claire walked down the dark hallway, see, told ya!  
  
  
  
"Oohh, a hallway, and it's dark." She said as she turned a corner and walked up to the stairs. When she got to the foot of the stairs, she heard a heart beating. "I hear a heart beating." She made sure to walk up the stairs SLOWLY.  
  
Step.....step......step.......step.......  
  
  
  
Claire got annoyed and started running up the stairs. She got to the top and was now in an extremely small graveyard. Rain poured on her heavily.  
  
  
  
"Damn! The game just started and I'm already soaking wet!" Claire yelled, agitated. She walked foreword to see a truck crashed through the wall, oil spilling out. "Sheesh, he musta been a pretty crappy driver!" Claire turned around the corner and started walking foreword...  
  
  
  
BOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Claire shit her pants immediately and slowly turned around to see the truck exploded. A body fell out, to her horror it slowly got up, it's flesh missing from its face. It walked towards her.  
  
  
  
'Oh crapola! A zombie!!!" Claire screamed in her head. 'Now what do I do? Oh, I know. I'll do that thing Jill always does! I'll fall on my ass! Yeah, that'll work!' Claire fell on her ass and started backing up as the zombie came closer. '....well that didn't work...'  
  
  
  
Suddenly the graphics changed to be ten times better and a zombie grabbed onto Claire's hand. "AHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Claire screamed when she saw a zombie's hand in the ground. She threw it off and started backing up more. "Arg! Getting mud on my butt!" Claire bumped into something and turned around to see a naked zombie fresh from the ground standing behind her. "AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Claire screamed so loud that the zombie's head exploded! She sweatdropped and turned to see another zombie walking towards her. "Ewww!! It's all naked!!!" she covered her eyes and slid backwards again. The zombie fell over and just barely missed her. Claire got up and shrieked in horror as zombies now surrounded her.  
  
  
  
Back to normal graphics...  
  
  
  
"What!? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?" Claire asked herself as she looked at her less detailed hands. When she saw the zombies in front of her, she screamed and turned around, she ran right into a zombie. It grabbed onto her and chomped down on her solder, fake looking blood flew out. "AHHHHH!!!!!!!" Claire screamed, she pushed the zombie back and looked at her arm. She didn't have a scratch on it. "O_o what the!? Oh well! ^_^" Claire started running really robotically out of the graveyard and through the door.  
  
  
  
Annoying opening door cinema.....  
  
  
  
Claire stepped a few feet into the yard when a bright light shined on her. "Hiiiissssss!!!!!" Claire hissed as she covered her eyes. Bullets started flying everywhere, all missing her by at least three feet. She didn't even notice until a can next to her foot was shot, in which she freaked out and jumped behind a burning truck. "Ouch!" Claire yelled, she looked one what she just sat on to reveal...  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
The handgun! The person stopped firing. Claire picked it up, cocked it, and started firing at the person with the machine gun. She fired ONE bullet, and it hit the light, shattering it. Claire fired three more times at the guy shooting at her, all three of which missed the guy by at least 6 feet. The person raised his arms.  
  
  
  
"Wee wee! Don't shoot!" the voice of a young male yelled.  
  
  
  
Claire snickered. "Wee wee!?"  
  
  
  
"Erm, I mean, wait wait! Don't shoot!" the boy yelled.  
  
  
  
"Who are you!?" Claire asked as she aimed the gun at him again. The boy, looking about 17, looked at Claire from the tower. He pulled out some binoculars and zoomed in on her face, after about 10 seconds...  
  
  
  
"What!? You're a human!?"  
  
  
  
"No, I'm a lesbian monkey! GET DOWN DAMNIT!!!"  
  
  
  
"Hold on, I'll get down."  
  
Claire sighed, the boy jumped down from the tower. "OW!!! MY LEGS!!!!!"  
  
  
  
"O_o that's what happens when you JUMP OFF A BUILDING!!!"  
  
  
  
"No, wait, they're ok!" the boy said as he slowly stumbled up. He walked out of the shadows to a few feet in front of Claire to reveal he's a 17- year-old boy with blackish brown hair that was cut short and gelled. He smiled at Claire. "Sorrey, I thought you where a zombie that can run, jump, and operate handguns. But I..."  
  
  
  
Claire stuck the gun in his face, which accidentally hit him. "Shut up!.....whoops!"  
  
  
  
"OW!!! YOU HIT ME WITH A FRIGGIN GUN!!"  
  
  
  
"^_^;; Sorry."  
  
  
  
"Ouch....erm...." the boy looked up at her and smiled. "I'm...."  
  
  
  
Claire's eyes widened. "LEOOO!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!! IT'S LEONARDO DE'CAPRIO!!!!!!!" the boy fell over as Claire squealed. "Can I get your autograph!" she asked as she held out a pen and paper. "I LOVED your movies! I'm your biggest fan!"  
  
  
  
The boy sweatdropped. "I'm not him!"  
  
  
  
Claire got a bored look on her face. "Oh...well...you look like him. Oh well..." Claire stuck the gun in his face. "Shut up! Make one wrong move and I'll shoot!"  
  
  
  
"Relax there beautiful." The boy said with a grin.  
  
  
  
"Aww, you think I'm beautiful!?" Claire asked as she pushed her hand through her hair and blew a kiss at the wall.  
  
  
  
The boy sweatdropped again. "I'm Steve, Steve Burnside."  
  
  
  
"I'm Bond, James Bond." Claire said.  
  
  
  
"O_O WHAT!?" Steve asked.  
  
  
  
"....I mean Redfield, Claire Redfield."  
  
  
  
"Hello girl named Claire who I'll most likely fall in love with by the end of the game."  
  
  
  
"Hello annoying boy who will save my life a lot and most likely fall in love with me by the end of the game."  
  
  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "Anyway, I'm a prisoner here on this island."  
  
  
  
"Oh, I guess I'm gonna have to put you back in jail again." Claire said with a grin.  
  
  
  
"Wait! NO!!!" Steve cried, he fell to the floor and broke down crying. "Don't make me go to the bad place again! DON'T MAKE ME GOOO!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Claire kicked him in the ribs. "Ouch!"  
  
  
  
"Sheesh, I was just kidding."  
  
  
  
"Oh..." Steve looked around. "So, how do you like my hair?"  
  
  
  
"Mmmm, too much hair gel. Get rid of that, and you'll look just like you do in Resident Evil CODE: Veronica X!"  
  
  
  
"......what?"  
  
  
  
"I have no idea what I just said." Claire said as she blushed.  
  
  
  
"Oh well, anyway, I hear there's an airport around here. If I can find it, I can finally get off of this crazy island!" Steve said with a smile.  
  
  
  
"And I care because...?"  
  
  
  
"Well, you can come with me!"  
  
  
  
"Reaaaaaaaalllly!?" Claire asked with a big grin.  
  
  
  
"I dunno." Claire hit him in the head with the handle of the handgun. "OUCH!!!"  
  
  
  
"You need to work on your social skills. And you have BAD voice acting." Claire said.  
  
  
  
"You're one to judge."  
  
  
  
"Whatever! Whatever! With my hot body I can do what I want!" Claire said as she stuck her tongue out.  
  
  
  
Steve sweatdropped again. "I don't want you to hit me anymore, so...well see ya!" Steve ran to the door.  
  
  
  
"Hey wait!" Claire yelled as she tried to run after him. He turned to her.  
  
  
  
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. You'll only slow me down." Steve said, annoyed. "Bye!" he ran and opened the door, Claire threw the gun and it hit him in the back of the head. "OUCH!!!"  
  
  
  
"Muahahahahahahahaha!!!" Claire yelled. Steve ran out of the yard and Claire picked up the handgun again. "Handgun. Take it? Yes-No. Yes." Claire smiled and walked through the door.  
  
  
  
She ran down the path until she got to a little porch with a stairs. She ran up the stairs, grabbed the Green Herb at the end of the porch and ran through the door.  
  
  
  
Shows the annoying door opening sequence...  
  
  
  
Claire looked around the mess hall; there was a zombie right next to her. "AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Claire aimed the handgun up and fired, it didn't even faze the zombie. "Damnit!"  
  
  
  
"Oooohhhhhhhhhh..." the zombie mumbled as he walked towards her.  
  
  
  
"O_o are you having an orgasm or something?"  
  
  
  
"Noooooooooooooo." The zombie moaned. Claire sighed and turned around to see another zombie.  
  
  
  
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" the zombie grabbed onto her and bit down on her shoulder. Fake pixelly blood flew everywhere. "Strange, this doesn't hurt as much as you'd think." Claire said, she looked at her arm to see it still didn't have a scratch on it. She pushed the zombie back and held onto her arm.  
  
  
  
"I'm in Caution now. Oh no." She said nonchalantly. She ran past the zombie to see another one. "DANG! TOO MANY ZOMBIES!" She fired the handgun at this one; it fell down after about 8 shots. She turned around, ran up the stairs and fired at the zombie up there, killing it in 7 shots. She grabbed the green herb, ran down the stairs, and into the bathroom.  
  
  
  
"DIE DEMONS!!!" she yelled as she fired at them. She only had one zombie left, it grabbed onto her. "Ahh!!" Claire flipped around and threw the zombie head first into the toilet. The zombie groaned, Claire flushed the toilet with the zombie's head still in it.  
  
  
  
"Ah, I always loved giving people swirlys!" she said with a sigh. Claire pulled out the green herbs. "Combine. Click. Mixed Herbs." Claire said as she combined the herbs and they turned into powdered herbs on a piece of paper. "Now...how am I gonna eat these to send be back to Fine?" Claire contemplated for a little while, and then grinned. "Yeah, this'll be fun!"  
  
  
  
Claire rolled the paper with the powdered herbs up, put on sunglasses, and smoked the herbs like someone would be smoking pot. She blew the smoke out, and felt light headed. "Wooooooooooooooow...." Claire, who is now high, said with a dazed look. "I love this shit maaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" She said as she sat in a chair and continued to smoke the herbs.  
  
  
  
Later...  
  
  
  
Claire shook her head, smiled as she was now back in fine, and walked to the kitchen. "Hmmmm, there's soup here, it's still warm.....who gives a crap!?" Claire asked herself. She turned around and grabbed the map. "Prison Map. Take it? Yes-No? Yes." She said as she stuck the prison map down her bra. "Now to look around more." She said as she walked out the only other door.  
  
  
  
Annoying Door Opening Sequence...  
  
  
  
Claire walked down the bedroom, hearing a creepy tapping noise. She saw a journal in the hand of a dead body. She grabbed onto it. The hand didn't let go. "Hey! Let go!" Claire yelled as she tried to pry the dead hands open. She finally got it open when she pulled with all her might. The hand let go and she fell on the floor. "Urg! Now lets read this mans diary..."  
  
  
  
'November 32 1998,  
  
I'm in a prison. There's an annoying 17-year-old guy here who keeps on stealing my underwear named Steve Burnsomethingorother. The place stinks. The man that sleeps above me keeps calling me his bitch. I like cheese. I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
December 2 1998  
  
The guy who calls me his bitch says he got put in the Umbrella Prison because of a tiny little mistake, he 'Accidentally' peed on Master Alfred's coffee. Prisoners keep on getting taken away, and they never return. Michel J. said that they're taken to a room with stuff in it. A room with stuff in it!? THIS IS ONE SICK COMPANY!!! I WANT OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...  
  
December 3 1998,  
  
...UUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
December 7 1998,  
  
I'm the only one here left besides about 20 other people, I'm so lonely. I must get out! I MUST GET OUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went to check out that building. I heard screaming, maniacal laughter, and a sound of a rubber ducky. WHAT THE HELL!!!??? I WANT OOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay goodnight! ^_^'  
  
  
  
She has filed out the diary thingy...  
  
  
  
"Weird..." Claire said, the whole time she was reading, she heard that tapping noise. "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!" Claire yelled, she ran to place where the tapping was heard to see a zombie against the window. "A zombie against the window!" she yelled dramatically. She looked at the handgun bullets by the shelf. "Hmm, I WONDER what will happen." She said, she grabbed onto the handgun bullets, and the zombie burst through the window! "AHHHH!!!! WHAT a surprise!" Claire yelled as she fell over with the zombie. It got up and two guns fell outta it's pockets. Claire got up and turned around to see two more zombies! "Aww crapola!" she yelled.  
  
  
  
Claire pulled out her gun and pulled the trigger, she heard a loud CLICK. "HOLY CRAP!!!!" she screamed as she realized she was out of ammo. She pulled out the knife. "I'm screwed..." she slashed the knife on the first zombie and all the sudden, all three zombies heads exploded!!! "O_O WTF!?" Claire asked. She looked at the knife. "Whoa, they were serious when they said the knife is stronger in RECV!"  
  
Claire sweatdropped and picked up the two guns. "M-100P Pistols. Take it? Yes-No? Yes." Claire put it in her pockets. "Sheesh, I don't remember having such big pockets!" she yelled, she turned and walked out the door after grabbing the handgun bullets.  
  
  
  
Later...  
  
  
  
Claire walked back out the door, rain fell from the sky, she walked to the steps of the porch and walked down...  
  
  
  
  
  
Two zombie dogs were playing poker under the porch when they smelled Claire Redfield.  
  
"Eww! That girl stinks!" Dog#1 yelled.  
  
  
  
"Oh well, let's eat her!" Dog#2 yelled.  
  
  
  
"Okay, after this game..." Dog#1 said as he laid down a deck of cards...  
  
  
  
  
  
Claire walked down the path and turned around the corner where she saw a dead bloodied up body with its legs inside the building. The body was slowly dragged away and into underneath the building. "Creeeeeeeepy." Claire said, she continued to walk nonchalantly down the path until she got to another door.  
  
  
  
She opened it and walked into the new yard. A bunch of zombies were in the yard, moaning and walking slowly towards her.  
  
  
  
"Ew! Get it away! Get it away!" Claire screamed as she tried to push the zombies back with her hand. She took out the knife and swung it once, all the zombies in the room's heads exploded. "I like this knife!" she yelled. She walked to the door and opened it to be in a new hallway. She walked foreword until a little box next to her opened.  
  
  
  
"Please place all metal items in the security box." The female computer voice said. Claire shrugged and walked past the box. A metal shield covered all the doors and windows in the room as an alarm sounded. "PUT THE METAL ITEMS IN THE BOX DAMNIT!!!!" the computer voice yelled.  
  
  
  
"Alright! Alright! Jeez!" Claire yelled as she placed all her metal items in the box, including the lighter. She pressed the button and walked past the box again. The alarms sounded again and the metal shield covered the doors and windows.  
  
"Looks like you still have some metal items!" the computer said. Claire sighed and pulled out her bike keys. She put them in the box, pressed the button and walked into the hall again. She alarm and the shields went off again. "Sheesh, put ALL your metal items in the box damnit!" the comp yelled.  
  
  
  
"I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE METAL ITEMS!!" Claire screamed.  
  
  
  
"Yes you do!" yelled the computer.  
  
  
  
"Well there's the metal plate in my head from that bike accident but COME ON! I can't take THAT out."  
  
  
  
"Well you'll have to in order to get through." Said the computer.  
  
  
  
"ARG!!!" Claire yelled, she pulled out the M-100P Pistols and fired at the computer, the alarms kept on going and the doors started opening and closing.  
  
  
  
"Mal-mal-mal-function-function!" yelled the computer, which was now glitching up.  
  
  
  
"DIE BITCH!!!" Claire screamed as she kept on shooting the security computer.  
  
"F-f-f-u-uck you-uck you!" the computer yelled as it started short- circuiting. Claire kicked the computer and it exploded! Sending the girl flying down the hallway.  
  
  
  
"Ouch!" Claire yelled as she landed on her face. She turned around and looked at the computer, which was now on fire. "Grrr, I HATE computers." She said as she grabbed her items off the floor. "This country would be better without them..." she muttered as she limped away.  
  
  
  
Later...  
  
  
  
Claire opened the door to hear the sound of someone typing on a computer. She walked farther into the room to see... "Steve!"  
  
  
  
Steve turned around to look in her eyes. He shrugged and looked back at the computer where it had a bio and picture of her brother! "Chris Redfield..."  
  
  
  
"Chris? I've been looking for him!" Claire said as she walked up to the computer with Steve.  
  
  
  
"Ah, so you're siblings! That makes sense." Steve said as he pointed to Chris's Bio.  
  
  
  
It shows a picture of a teenage Chris with an Afro, he has a goofy grin on his face.  
  
Name: Chris Redfield Age: 25 Sex: Male Fav Color: Green Fav Pastime: Saying 'Please forgive me Claire' over and over. IQ: -26 Location: Paris, France Family: Claire Redfield, Christina Redfield, Clyde Redfield Email: Forgivemeclaire@aol.com Screen Name: Fridge128 Likes: Sunsets, fighting, doing impressions of the Incredible Hulk, eating Take Out, annoying people. Dislikes: Thinking, playing the piano, Umbrella, umbrellas (He doesn't believe in them), any man that's name starts with W and ends with esker.'  
  
  
  
"Yep, that's Chris." Claire said with a sigh. "Man, I'm gonna kill him when I get my hands on him, I've gone through hell to try and find him and get his sorry ass back home."  
  
  
  
"Well, it seems Umbrella is keeping Chris under surveillance." Steve said.  
  
  
  
"WHAT!?" Claire asked. She pushed Steve over (making him fall on the floor) and grabbed the mouse. "I've got to email Leon and tell him about this."  
  
  
  
"Leon?" Steve asked.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, he and I escaped Raccoon City together along with Sherry."  
  
  
  
"What happened to him?"  
  
  
  
"I dunno..." Claire said as she looked at the ceiling. "But we got in a fight and left after we escaped Raccoon..."  
  
  
  
"A fight? What did you fight about?" Steve asked.  
  
  
  
"Lets see if I can remember..." Claire said as she looked at the ceiling and everything got all blurry.  
  
  
  
Flashback!  
  
  
  
Leon: Sherry's gonna stay with me.  
  
Claire: WHAT!? She's too cute for you! She's MINE!  
  
Leon: C'mon!!!!!! I've got a $200,000,000 offer to hand her over as a water girl for Pimp Dog Snoop!  
  
Claire: Hell no! She's coming to stay with me, I'm gonna be her new older sister person thing!  
  
Leon: Hell no!  
  
Claire: MORALITY!  
  
Leon: POLITICS!  
  
Claire: MORALITY!  
  
Leon: POLITICS!!!  
  
Claire: MORALITY!!!!  
  
Leon: POLITICS!!!!!  
  
Claire: MORALITY!!!!!!  
  
Leon: PPPPPPPOOOOOLLLLLIIIIITTTTTTTIIIIICCCCCSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sherry: *cries* I WANNA GO HOMEEEEEE!!!!!!  
  
Leon: Pimp Dog Snoop is your home! You'd be surprised! He COULD be a home! After all, he DOES have a REALLY big---  
  
Claire: No, Sherry! You're coming with me! I don't have a house, but you can live between my br---  
  
Leon: No, she can live in---  
  
Claire: Shut up Leon!  
  
Leon: DOG HOUSE!!!  
  
Claire: BRAN OF RAISINS!!  
  
Leon: DOG HOUSE!!!  
  
Claire: BRAN OF RAISINS!!  
  
Sherry: *crying*  
  
Leon: DOG HOUSE!!!  
  
Claire: BRAN OF RAISINS!!  
  
Leon: DOG HOUSE!!!  
  
Claire: BRAN OF RAISINS!!  
  
Sherry: NEVER MIND!!!!! Leon, does Pimp Dog Snoop have a cool pad?  
  
Leon: *Holds up a pic of the club, which looks like an under-water retro dance-club*  
  
Sherry: Claire, sorry, but...screw your social caring. I need a PAD!  
  
Leon: Ha! Take that Claire! *points at her*  
  
Claire: O_O;;  
  
Sherry: WAIT! Leon, can I dance at the club and get free drinks?  
  
Leon: Hell yeah! You're supposed to be the one that gets down all the good stuff that wasn't sold, so they can get more stuff in!  
  
Sherry: What KIND of good stuff...?  
  
Leon: Puff the Magic Dragon, Pikachu', Cubans, Hooch, Bay of Pigs Numb Juice, Mary Jane...And all kinds of other goodies that you play hide-n-go seek with the cops.  
  
Sherry: Do you mean you want to empty all the illegal narcotics in the club into me so you'll be traced clean on inspection for selling drugs?  
  
Leon: *Looks around suspiciously*....Uh.....heheahahahah....uhhh...*In Clint Eastwood record speed, takes out dueling gun that he got from Baddy Daddy John Kennedy and Claire drops down without a hint of impact, which there never was for millions of years, until an archaeologist found the skull of an "Unknown species", and the bullet, having traveled so fast that it delayed time, had just so happened to return to a Miami trip, and hit the archaeologist in the hand.*  
  
Claire: *gets back up* WTF!?  
  
Sherry: ^_^;;  
  
Leon: Let's go Sherry.  
  
Sherry: Okay! Bye Claire! *holds Leon's hand and walks down the train track*  
  
Claire: *reaches hand out dramatically* No! Sherry! FUCK YOU LEON!!!!!!  
  
Leon stuck up the middle finger. Claire sighed, turned around and started to walk to Raccoon Forest....  
  
  
  
End Flashback!  
  
  
  
Claire shook her head. "Wait a minute, Leon was a bastard! Grr! Oh well, he's Chris's only hope now." She said as she typed in Leon's email address: Kickasscop@aol.com.  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "Weird..." he walked over to a control both thingy and tapped his hands on it. "Ya know, they have the coordinates of this island on this computer. Heh, you can just send them to Leon and get Chris to come for you."  
  
  
  
Claire jumped up, put on a pair of glasses, and took them off dramatically. "Great Scott! I think you've got it! I'll do that!"  
  
  
  
Steve turned to her and started to talk in VERY bad voice acting. "Hey, I was just kidding!"  
  
  
  
"What?" Claire asked.  
  
"They'll never come! People wont come for you!"  
  
  
  
"Yes they will, I know it!" Claire said. She turned back to the computer.  
  
  
  
"No they wont! Friends wont help you! They don't care! Believe me! I know it!" Steve yelled dramatically as he ran out the door, Claire kept her eyes on the computer.  
  
  
  
"Yeah me too, whatever." Claire said, completely ignoring what he just said. "Might as well check my website while I'm here!" she said as she typed in her website's address and clicked Go.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hope ya liked the chappy! Boy that was long! Hee! One more thing, that fight between Claire and Leon was made by SuperShadowx19, who's an author here. Please R&R! Thanks! ^_^ 


	3. Really Really Stupid Men

Here's the next chappy, hope you like, I didn't like this one very much, but oh well.  
  
  
  
  
  
Techno music played as everyone at Leon's pad was dancing. Including just about every Resident Evil character (even the dead ones). Rebecca Chambers, who was in her leather RE0 alternate outfit, was doing the nasty dances with Billy. Sherry was dancing in a cage wearing a string bikini. Jill, Richard, Ark, and Barry where playing poker. Leon was checking his Email on his laptop. And everyone else was dancing.  
  
"Hmmm, I've got 321 messages. Oh well." Leon said. He started clicking the delete button.  
  
Win $100 in one day!!!: Delete Get a free Xbox for $300: Delete You've won $100,000!!!!: Delete [Fanfiction.Net] Review Alert: Delete Are you lonely Leon?: Delete Delete: Delete HELP ME LEON!!! IT'S CLAIRE AND I'M IN DEEP...: Dele-whoa, wait a sec!  
  
Leon clicked on that massage and read the Email. "Hey everyone, Claire's in trouble!"  
  
  
  
"Claire!?" Sherry asked.  
  
  
  
"CLAIRE REDFIELD!!!???" Rebecca asked with a grin as little hearts appeared in her eyes. Everyone sweatdropped. "What? She's hot!" Everyone took a step away from her.  
  
  
  
"Riiiiight." Leon said. "Anyway, it says she needs help. She's given me the location of Chris!" Leon turned around. "YO CHRIS! GET OVER HERE!!!"  
  
  
  
Chris Redfield ran up to Leon. "Whazzzzzzaaaaaaaap!?"  
  
  
  
"Claire's in trouble."  
  
  
  
Chris got a dazed look on his face. "Please forgive me Claire..."  
  
  
  
"Here he goes again..." Jill said as she rolled his eyes.  
  
  
  
"Please forgive me Claire..." he mumbled over and over again. "Please forgive me Claire...please forgive me Claire......please forgive me Claire..."  
  
  
  
"And Chris is being kept under surveillance." Leon said.  
  
  
  
"WHAT!?" Chris asked. He turned around to see a giant security camera right behind him. "Hey!" Chris hit the camera with the butt of a shotgun and it exploded. Everyone sweatdropped again.  
  
  
  
"Someone's gotta save Claire!!!" Rebecca cried. "SOMEONE SAVE HER!!!! SOME...ONE....SAVE...HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!" Rebecca fell to the floor crying, everyone took a step away from her.  
  
  
  
"It's always the quiet ones..." Billy said.  
  
  
  
"Chris.....um.....maybe....you.....um.....should.....go save her?" Barry asked.  
  
  
  
"But I don't waaaaaannnaaaaaaaa!!!" Chris cried.  
  
  
  
"Chris get off your sorry ass and save her before I beat the shit outta you!!!" Jill yelled. Chris sweatdropped.  
  
  
  
"Yes ma'am! Don't hurt me!"  
  
  
  
"No! Let ME save her!" Rebecca cried. "MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
"NO!!!!" everyone yelled.  
  
  
  
"Now go Chris!" Jill yelled as she pointed out the door.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Don't worry Claire! I'll save you!!! I'LL SAVE YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Chris screamed as he ran out the door. Everyone sighed.  
  
  
  
"He ain't coming back is he?" Sherry asked.  
  
  
  
"Probably not." Said Carlos.  
  
  
  
"Hey everyone, CLAIRE'S ON TV!!!" Rebecca yelled as she ran up and sat down in front of the big screen TV. Everyone looked to see Claire in the computer room in the umbrella base...  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
"Grr, Leon better of gotten my mail!" Claire said gritting her teeth. She walked out of the room, after pulling the switch on the control thingy Steve was touching. When she got halfway down the hallway, she stopped. "Ya know, screw this key finding! I'm hopping the gate!" she ran back to the front yard where the met Steve and looked at the gate. She jumped up, grabbed onto the top of it, and pulled herself over the door. She fell off the other side and hit the floor. "Oof!"  
  
  
  
"Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"  
  
  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!!??" Claire asked as she got up and turned around to see a zombie. "Oh. It's just a flesh eating virus-carrying zombie. I thought it was something important or scary." Claire said nonchalantly.  
  
  
  
"Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!" the zombie groaned as it walked towards her slowly.  
  
  
  
"O_o that groan creeps me out."  
  
  
  
"It's suppoooose tooooooooooooooo!!" the zombie moaned.  
  
  
  
"Oh." Claire said, she grinned. "You can't move fast enough! Haha!" Claire walked up to the zombie and kicked him where it hurts. The zombie fell over with its dead eyes watering as the biker walked forward. There were tire marks on the floor, leading to the middle of a bridge. There was a car crashed at the side of the bridge, just barely falling over the edge. "I think there was a crash..." Claire said as she looked at the car.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"DUH!!!" everyone at the party yelled.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Claire ran around the outer catwalk thingy of the bridge and got to the other side. She saw two green herbs and handgun bullets on the other side, and picked them up, immediately reloading her gun and mixing the herbs. The bigass door leading to god only knows where was completely blocked off by boulders, there was a fire blocking off a stairway. Claire pushed a metal crate over the fire and stepped on top of it.  
  
"Oh! Hot! Hot!" Claire yelled as the hopped on the crate. "Too hot! Ah!!" Claire jumped off the other side of the crate and held her feet. "Ah, that's a hot crate.....ewww I have guts and stuff allover my shoes! Ew ew ew!!!" Claire whipped her hand on the dirt, making the gore STICK to her hand. "_ Icky! I hate this place!" Claire got up and walked up the stairs incredibly slowly, until she got to some top...area place.  
  
  
  
A zombie with a straw hat and some straw in his mouth walked up to her.  
  
  
  
"Hello Mr. Zombie." Claire said. "Do you know where there are any creepy mansions?"  
  
  
  
"Mmhmm, I think ya mean that palace over there." The zombie said as it pointed in one direction.  
  
  
  
"How do I get there?"  
  
  
  
"Well ya see ya first...mmm...hey Joe!" the zombie yelled as it looked at a zombie far away. "Yeah! How do we get to that there palace!? Uh huh? All right!" the zombie turned back to her. "Okay to take this here bridge across a couple of feet until you see that there gate. If you see it that means you're going the right way. Then you take a courtyard door into a courtyard. You should know the rest from there."  
  
  
  
"Thanks Mr. Zombie." Claire said as she got on a motorbike and drove 10 feet to the other side of the bridge. She ran up the stairs and opened the courtyard door into the...dun dun dun...courtyard!!!  
  
  
  
"Bark! Bark!"  
  
  
  
Claire turned to see 3 zombie dogs running towards her. "AHHHHH!!!! EVIL DOG DEMONS OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the screamed as a dog ran up to her. Claire grabbed a stick. "Here boy, see the stick? Fetch!!!" Claire threw the stick over the edge of the courtyard cliff and the dogs jumped off to their doom. "Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!" Claire laughed a creepy evil laugh. She saw something shiny on the floor and picked it up. "Navy Proof. Take it? Yes-No? Yes." Claire put it in her incredibly large pocket and walked through the big door with the words 'Big Door' above it.  
  
  
  
Annoying door opening sequence...  
  
  
  
Claire stepped into the room and the camera zoomed on the picture at the top of the stairs. "Hey, this is what it did in RE2 also, when I walked into the police station in my A scenario" Claire said. She's a brilliant girl isn't she? Anyway, she picked up the box of handgun bullets and walked up to the second floor. Then she entered the save room.  
  
  
  
Pretty decent save room music plays...  
  
  
  
Claire walked up to the desk thingy and picked up the Secretaries Memo....  
  
  
  
'Secretary's Memo  
  
Four friggin years have passed since I served Sir Alfred, who insists I call him Betty.  
  
He doesn't trust anyone! And he's friggin annoying! Even though I'm his attendant, he still doesn't let me enter his private house. What's his problem anyway? He always complains that the room isn't pink enough, or that I don't look as well dressed as I should, or something like that. And he never lets me on his private house on haunted hill...I mean private house on Silent Hill.....I mean....no...nevermind, I just confused myself.  
  
Occasionally I see his twin sister Alexia standing at the window whenever I'm spying on the house with my telescope. It might have been her, whose EXTREME beauty is often talked about. I hear just the presence of her makes everyone orgasm. Or it might be Alfred dressed up as her, or it might be a ghost, or it might be my long lost grandmother  
  
I asked Sir Alfred about Alexia, he got pissed and went on a killing spree. I wont do that again, unless I don't value my life much. It kinda sucks anyway having to be stuck with him.  
  
After all, it is a mystery why he's keeping his 'private' life with Alexia such a secret.  
  
Mike Hawk'  
  
  
  
"Hmmm, Alfred seems like a nutcase" Claire said. She walked over to the item box. "YAY!!! FINALLY! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for this stupid thingy! Now I can empty my incredibly large pockets!" Claire said as she pulled a ton of junk out of her pickets, Navy Proof, M-100P's, Condoms, Lint, Lube, Wrench, Home Entertainment System with Surround Sound (took up only 1 item space). Claire then picked up an ink ribbon and looked at the typewriter. "Better save my game....or whatever."  
  
  
  
Claire put some paper in the typewriter and started typing with a nice beat.  
  
  
  
ClickclickclickclickclickclickCLICK-CLINGclickclickCLICK- CLINKclickclickclickclickclickclickclickCHING-CHINK!  
  
  
  
An audience clapped at Claire's beautiful typing skills. She bowed and then put the ink ribbon back in the item box. "Now time to continue my adventure!"  
  
  
  
Claire walked up to the door with two Gold Luger shaped hole thingys. Having been in RE2 and played the other RE games, she knew that she required some really shiny gold Lugers to open the door.  
  
  
  
"Ugh, stupid stupidhead door!" Claire said as she turned around. She spotted something underneath a cabinet. "Ooooh! Shiny! I want it!" Claire then, using way more strength then she needed to push a little cabinet, pushed the cabinet over, revealing an extremely shiny ID card.  
  
  
  
Claire picked it up and read the ID number 'NQP566X9W2CXYZIP771L0711W82J292MAL91HF9A71KJHC90A28J1M9D01'  
  
  
  
"O_o Holy SHIT. That's a long ID number!" Claire said as she stuck it in her back pocket and walked back out of the room and to the front desk. "Ugh, I suck at typing..." Claire started hunt and peck typing in the extremely long ID code...  
  
30 Minutes later...  
  
Claire finally finished the code and the door in the left corner of the main hall unlocked. She walked through that door and into a zombie filled hallway. Claire swung the knife once and all the zombies' heads exploded. She grinned, picked up the first red herb in the game, and then walked through the only unlocked door in the hall. She was now in some museum like room, antique guns and stuff lined the walls. Of course, Claire just CANT grab the guns off the wall can she? She saw a diamond thingy of a queen ant and pressed the button on it.  
  
  
  
FMV scene, the graphics suddenly get a bazillion times better...  
  
  
  
"Kewl!" Claire said as she looked at her less polygonal hands. The room got dark and an invisible projector started playing a video on the wall. Claire stared at the video...  
  
  
  
A creepy child like tune plays as it shows two blonde twins, a boy and a girl, sitting in front of a window, playing with Barbie dolls. The boy pulls out a dollhouse and starts talking to himself as the girl picks her nose. The boy pulled out a dragonfly and started slowly plucking off the poor things wings. The girl watched with a warm smile as the boy walked over to a table and placed the wingless dragonfly in an ant colony, letting it get eaten alive by bazillions of ants. The girl walked up to him and looks at the camera with a really creepy smile. The boy and girl slowly turn to each other, smiling, their faces an inch apart. Until right before the camera faded, the boy grabbed onto the girl and they started making out. The video ended...  
  
End FMV scene, everything has bad graphics again...  
  
  
  
"O_O That's a bit.....disturbing...." Claire said as she stared blankly at the wall. A case of junk moved over, revealing yet another stupid secret passage. Claire walked into the new room and picked up the steering wheel thingy. "What the hell is this doing here? Oh well. Steering Wheel. Take it? Yes-No? Yes." Claire somehow shoved the Steering wheel down her pocket and managed to make it look like her pockets where still empty, then walked down more into the secret room to see the Gold Lugers mounted on the wall. "Oooo, Lugers..."  
  
  
  
Claire pulled them off the wall and the cabinet closed off the exit! The heat turned on to really high, making Claire all hot and sweaty. She whipped her brow and started slowly unbuttoning her vest; she took off her vest and got in a sexy pose. She slowly slipped off her fingerless gloves and.....whoa...what am I doing? O_o Uhhh...Claire sweatdropped and placed the Lugers back where they belong, making the heat turn off and the cabinet move back out of the way.  
  
  
  
"Fine, keep your stupid Lugers!" she said as she put her gloves and vest back on. "Well, I guess time for me to try to open the front door for no reason." Claire ran out of the room and kept on running like a robot until she got to the front door. She put her hand on the handle until she heard an extremely high male voice.....  
  
  
  
"AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
Claire sweatdropped and turned around. "Steve?"  
  
  
  
The action music played as Claire turned around and ran back to the room she just left. She couldn't leave the place now because stupid letters would tell her to save Steve if she tried to leave the palace. Claire ran down the hall and into the museum room. There where a bunch of monitors and buttons where the wall used to be, and Claire saw Steve beating on the wall on the other side of the trap, holding the gold Lugers in his hand.  
  
  
  
"I WANT MY MOMMMMMMYYYY!!!!!" Steve screamed. "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
"O_o Steve you idiot, PUT THE LUGERS BACK IN!"  
  
  
  
"But I don't waaaaannaaaaa!" Steve cried. "Open the door! Open the door!"  
  
  
  
Claire groaned. "Ugh, moron, just like Leon." Claire looked at the buttons to see a picture of a magnum, a boat, a submarine, an airplane, a Chinese male stripper, and a handgun. Underneath the buttons it said 'FINE THE ONES THAT ARE THE SAME STUPID!!!!'. Claire sweatdropped. "Wow, this is a HARD puzzle isn't it?" she sighed and pressed the submarine and the Chinese male stripper. The alarms turned off and the cabinet moved out of the way, Steve fell out and landed flat on his face.  
  
  
  
"Phew! Thanks Claire, you saved me." Steve said as he shook his head and got up.  
  
  
  
"You're an idiot." Claire said.  
  
  
  
"Well I'm taller, so HA!" Steve said as he walked up to her. "I'm 17 and you're 19 and I'm still taller! Peewee!" Steve patter Claire on the head, she slapped him. "Owie! You hurt meee!" he whined.  
  
  
  
"Only by two inches." Claire said.  
  
  
  
Steve looked at the guns and talked with continuously bad voice acting. "Thanks, I got these, thanks to...you."  
  
  
  
Claire looked at the gold Lugers in his hands and the piano note played. "Ooo! Those Lugers! Give them to me."  
  
  
  
"What? No! I found them and I'm keeping them," Steve said. "Mine! Mine mine mine!  
  
  
  
"GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!" Claire yelled, making the earth shake. Steve sweatdropped.  
  
  
  
"Well, how about we make a deal." Steve pointed one Luger at Claire. "I'll trade you for something fully automatic."  
  
  
  
Claire got in a thinking pose. "Hmmmmmmmm.....how about I tear your throat out?"  
  
  
  
"O_O N-no thanks" Steve said nervously. "Well see ya!" Steve turned and ran as fast as he could out the door.  
  
  
  
"Sigh," Claire said. "Men. They have two heads and are still stupid as hell." Claire walked out of the room and down the hallway; she opened the door into the main hall and walked in.  
  
  
  
A laser slowly went up Claire's leg. She saw the laser as it went up to between her eyes. She went cross-eyes and sweatdropped.  
  
  
  
BANG!  
  
  
  
Even though the laser was between her eyes, the bullet landed over six feet away. Claire finally realized that someone was trying to snipe her and ran behind a pillar. She heard a really gay sounding male voice.  
  
  
  
"Redfield! How dare you interfere with my operation! It cost a lot of money to get a sex....I mean nevermind. How dare you!"  
  
  
  
Claire raised her eyebrow. "Uhhh...what?"  
  
  
  
"You know very well what I'm talking about!" Claire turned around the corner and saw a creepy looking blonde man dressed up like a toy soldier, holding a sniper rifle in his hand.  
  
  
  
"Who the hell are you!?"  
  
  
  
He put his hand to his chest. "I am Alfred Ashford! Commander of this base!"  
  
  
  
Claire laughed. "Ha! You must be one of Umbrella's lowest rank officers to control a backwater base like this one! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  
  
  
  
Alfred smashed his hand on the railing of the stairs, then held it and shook it. "Ouch...How DARE you!" he rubbed his hand and walked across the second floor. "The Ashford family is one of the highest ranks of Umbrella inc.," he said as he got in a pose and got a proud look on his face. He turned back to Claire, who was creeping halfway into the room, trying to get out the door. Claire looked up, saw him, and ran back to behind the pillar. "And now look what you've done! You've deliberately let yourself be captured so your friends can attack my beautiful base!"  
  
  
  
"Attacked!?" Claire asked.  
  
  
  
"Attacked!" Alfred looked around the place. "NOW look what happened, my base has been destroyed! In the attack someone chucked a grenade into the wrong room, spilling the T-Virus everywhere, creating countless zombies and monsters."  
  
  
  
"Oooooooaaaaaahhhhhh! So THAT'S how that happened," Claire said. "Is it just me, or does this happen to ALL of Umbrella's bases?"  
  
  
  
"The second one." Alfred said. "Oh Claire Redfield, how dare you insult the Ashford family name!" he aimed his sniper riffle at Claire's head. "Now I shall take my sniper rifle, aim, and miss! Hahahahaha!" Alfred covered his mouth and started giggling like a schoolgirl as he fired the sniper rifle at Claire head. It missed her by at least 7 feet.  
  
  
  
"You REALLY gotta work on your aiming." Claire said.  
  
  
  
"Fine, play that way!" Alfred said. "You're just a rat in a cage anyway! I'll see you later! Hahahahahahaha!" he started giggling some more as he walked up the stairs.  
  
  
  
Claire put her hand to her face. "Ugh, another creepy psycho stupidhead. Just like Irons, and he died two different ways. This is gonna be a loooooooong night." Claire said as she walked out of the palace and back into the courtyard.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
"I sense a plot," Sherry said with a big grin.  
  
"Wow, you're a genius." Carlos said.  
  
  
  
"I'm smarter than YOU," She said.  
  
  
  
".....yeah...." Carlos said with an annoyed sigh.  
  
  
  
"I'm gonna make some popcorn" Leon said as he walked into the kitchen.  
  
  
  
"Don't you think we should send the army or something to go save Claire? I mean, Chris has a hard enough time figuring out how to open the elevator doors." Jill said.  
  
  
  
"Nah!" everyone yelled.  
  
  
  
"This is gonna be fun to watch! ^__^" Billy said.  
  
  
  
"Oh Billy, you're soooo sexy." Rebecca said as she laid her head on his shoulder. Billy grinned. "Almost as sexy as Claire." Billy's eyes widened.  
  
  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
  
  
"Nevermind."  
  
  
  
"Many horrors await Claire Redfield." Ada said dramatically. "We can only pray that she survives."  
  
  
  
"I bet you $20 she dies." Enrico said.  
  
  
  
"YOU'RE ON!!!!!" Barry yelled.  
  
  
  
Everyone fell over.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
End of chapter 3! ^_^; I'll hopefully write the next one soon! 


	4. Welcome to the Military Training Facilit...

Okey, sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been depressed and stuff and slowed WAY down on my fic writing. Oh well, here's the next chappy! I don't own stuff! And the author SuperShadowx19 helps me out with this fic sometimes, you should read his fic, Resident Evil 0, boring title for a parody, but it's really good! Anyway, on with this ficcy!  
  
Chris Redfield ran to the corner of Far Away Dr. and Fast St. and then stopped running and started panting hard.  
  
"*pant* *pant* I don't...*pant* remember *pant* getting tired from running..*pant*..before!" Chris said, trying to catch his breath. He regained his posture and looked around the town. "Now....where am I supposed to go...?"  
  
Meanwhile at Leon's pad...  
  
The phone started ringing. And everyone sighed.  
  
"I KNEW IT!" Jill said. She picked up the phone. "Rockfort Island, Chris."  
  
"Thanks Jill!"  
  
Click!  
  
Jill hung up the phone and stuck her hand out in front of Barry. "That's $30 you owe me, I TOLD you Chris was gonna forget."  
  
Barry muttered something and handed Jill a $20 Bill and a $10 Bill.  
  
Back at the corner of Far Away Dr. And Fast St....  
  
Chris hung up the payphone and looked around. "So, Rockfort Island, how am I gonna get there!?"  
  
A conductor walked out of the train station that happened to be right next to Chris. "Next train ride to Rockfort Island, ALL ABOARD!!!!"  
  
Chris sweatdropped. "Wow, what a coincidence!" Chris run up and hopped onto the passenger train without even paying for the tickets.  
  
Back on Rockfort Island....  
  
Claire stuck the steering wheel into the hole and waited, for a very long time...  
  
............  
  
............  
  
............  
  
............  
  
"Come on! Do something!" Claire yelled annoyed. "Ugh, maybe I need to turn it or something." The biker spun the steering wheel around and what do you know? A submarine came out of the water of the docks! Claire sweatdropped. "Wow, I wonder how THAT worked, I mean, is it a signal or something? Weird." The floor moved foreword, allowing her access to the Sub. She climbed down the ladder.  
  
Annoying ladder sequence thingy...  
  
Claire looked around the sub and turned around to see...  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
THE SIDE PACK!!!!!  
  
"YAY!!!!" Claire yelled as she ran over to the side pack. "There is a side pack. Take it? Yes-No. Yes!"  
  
The screen went black as you hear Claire strap on the side pack. "Why'd it get so dark!? Am I blind!? AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!.....no wait I'm fine." Claire said as she could see again. She looked in her item pack thingy and grinned. "Now I can carry 10 items! KICKASS!!!!!" Claire did a stupid dance and turned around to see a lever. "O______O Must....pull......"  
  
Claire pulled the lever and the sub started sinking down into the pool, Claire started acting out scenes from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea until the sub stopped suddenly. She got an annoyed look on her face and climbed back up the ladder to be in some weird underwater room. She ran down the hall and walked into another room with a fish tank full of zombies. Their decaying bodies didn't faze Claire as she pulled out the knife; they all instantly ran away screaming. Claire grinned and walked through the door near the fish tank to reveal.....  
  
BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!!!!!!  
  
"An airplane!" Claire yelled as she saw there was a giant green water cargo plane floating in the water! She ran up to it and her eyes widened... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Claire cried as she fell to the floor in aggravation. In order to get to the plane she had to take this lift thingy down to the airplane door, the problem was, the lift didn't work; she'd have to put three stones in the indentions to activate it. "GODDAMN UMBRELLA AND YOUR STUPIDASS GODDAMN PUZZLES!!!!" Claire started kicking the wall in aggravation. "Sigh, this IS gonna be a long night..."  
  
Then she heard the sound of bats making bat...like...noises. Claire turned around to see a bunch of bats hanging on the ceiling. They jumped off the ceiling and started flying towards her, until Claire pulled out the lighter. They screeched to a halt and all ran into each other when the light shined in their eyes.  
  
"MY EYES!!!! MY EEEEYYYYYYEES!!!!!!! THEY BUUUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNN!!!!!!" the bats screamed as the feel to the floor and started decomposing. Claire sweatdropped and looked at her lighter.  
  
"Wow, I like this lighter! ^__^" Claire put it back in her pocket and ran out of the room, back into the fish tank room. She walked around the table and when thought the shutter to be back in the room with the airplane. A giant bridge was in front of the plane; if she wanted to escape she'd have to raise the bridge. She ran across the bridge and into the new room.  
  
Blah, stupid puzzles, Claire walked into the room to see there was a giant crate blocking a control panel, and a CONVENIENTLY played crane overhead. There was also the IC-UP-2 airport security door that needed a key, and another door on the second floor of the room that lead to a dead end, she's need a switch to raise the bridge and get across.  
  
The biker grabbed onto the crane controls and pushed up, making the crane move backward and hit a bunch of boxes, Claire sweatdropped. "Oops." She pressed backwards and the crane moved foreword at lightning fast speeds, hitting the wall and making a big crack and a noise loud enough to wake up every zombie on the island. "Ooo...I'll pay for that..." Claire pushed the crane to the right, making it turn left and grab the giant crate. She pressed the big red button and it lifted the box up. "FINALLY!"  
  
She walked back up to the control panel, no longer blocked by the box, and pressed the button, causing an elevator to raise up. Of course, she didn't hear the sounds of the flesh-eating zombies ON the elevator until they where RIGHT NEXT TO HER. About 8 zombies walked towards her, and all their heads exploded when she swung the knife around, causing blood and brains to fly allover Claire.  
  
"Ewwwwww!!!!" Claire shook and whipped some brains off of her face. "This is icky, I'm using the guns from now on....most of the time." She picked up the Bow Gun Arrows she found on a crate and the Keycard. She examined the keycard and saw the word 'Biohazard' on it. "Something tells me this key card will...open a door!" Claire yelled as the gasped and put her hand to her mouth.  
  
Time to run back to that door she passed by on the way to the palace...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chris sat in a comfy train car chair and laid his head on the window as the train started to move (while the Animal Crossing Theme played). Since it was moving, the window kept bumping his head, causing him to loose MORE brain cells. "Ouuchhhh..."  
  
Chris sighed and laid his head on the chair. "Please forgive me Claire...Please forgive me Claire...Please forgive me Claire...Please forgive me Claire..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I swear, I'm NEVER forgiving Chris for this." Claire said annoyed as she walked back through he path to the prison and spotted a door on the side path. "That must be it, since there's NO room in this game that I can enter that doesn't have something valuable on the other side." Claire opened the door...  
  
Insert kinda scary dramatic music here...  
  
The ground shook as Claire looked around the yard. Her eyes widened when she saw what looked like a big pile of shit moving towards her incredibly fast. Right when it got in front of her, a giant worm thingy burst out of the ground, causing dirt to fly everywhere. "HOLY CRAP IT'S MY MATH TEACHER!!!!!" Claire screamed as the worm jumped to try and eat her alive, she, doing what she does best, jumped out of the way in the nick of time. The worm missed her and dived back underground. Claire got back up. "Ohshitohshitohshitoh...DOOR!!!" Claire ran into the front double doors of the Military Training Facility, she then got up and opened the doors REALLY slowly, as usual, but managed to get out just in time.  
  
She tried to catch her breath as she looked around the room, it was a cold empty hallway, this MUST be the Military Training Facility. Some horns suddenly blared in Claire's ears, making her jump, confetti flew everywhere as giant colored letters saying 'Military Training Facility' on it appeared in front of her.  
  
"WELCOME TO THE MILITARY TRAINING FACILITY!!!!" a extremely loud happy male voice yelled. Then all the stuff disappeared without a trace. Claire sweatdropped and checked her Sanity Meter, yup, it was low.  
  
She sighed and walked up the stairs to her right and down the hall. She opened the door and entered a cozy room with a window looking into a lab. There was a desk filled with papers and...  
  
Dun dun dun!!  
  
A bow gun!  
  
"YAY!!!!" Claire yelled as she ran up to it. Some Zelda music played as she slowly picked it up and raise it above her head.  
  
Duh duh duh DUUUUHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Some letters appeared underneath her.  
  
'You got the bow gun. It's like in RE2, but really crappy now. Unless you mix it with gunpowder! In which it'll kick any monsters ASS!'  
  
The biker girl shoved the bowgun down her extremely large pockets and picked up the document that was underneath it...  
  
'Memo on the pass number...  
  
The lock for the biology experiment room can only be unlocked with the 4- digit number that is not 16, 15, 15, 16. I REALLY hope you remember this, because you can't remember stuff for crap. I mean, seriously, do you even remember what you ate for breakfast this morning? I didn't think so. You're an idiot. How did you manage to get Umbrella to hire you anyway? Dork. *makes a loser sign* Anyway, the guy in the big suit says we should change the number periodically. So I hope you don't forget THIS thing, you stupidass.  
  
About 2 seconds ago I came up with an idea, ya know that painting of the humorously creepy skeleton in the biology experiment room? I'm going to use the number signed on that paper for no reason by god only knows as the pass code.  
  
Well, I do think you'll need it, because you're an idiot. I hate you. Go to hell. BTW I'm the one that slept with your girlfriend, HA! But you probably wont remember this by the time you finish reading because you're so STUPID! Mr. STUPIDHEAD!!!'  
  
Claire sweatdropped and put the paper in her own personal library for her to read when she's bored. "Something tells me that the guy who wrote this isn't friends with the guy it was written to." Claire shrugged and turned to walkout of the room until...  
  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  
  
Claire heard the alarm noise and looked at the window that overlooked the biology room. She put her hand to the window and peered through, a man in a lab suit smashed against the window and started beating it with his hands. He looked at Claire desperately and turned to look at something she couldn't see. "LET ME OUT! LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT!!!!!!!" he screamed.  
  
Claire looked at the door. "I can't open the door!" she yelled.  
  
Suddenly something grabbed onto the back of his head and smashed his head into the window, his head bounced back. "Ouch! That really hurt..." the guy said as he rubbed his forehead. Claire sweatdropped. "Get me out of here!"  
  
"I told you, I can't open the damn door."  
  
Suddenly something grabbed him from behind again and pushed his head against the window again. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Some horror music played as the thing wrapped around his neck and he got a blank look on his face.  
  
"O_O Who are you!?" Claire asked.  
  
The man looked at her with a blank look. "....none of your busyness...." He said with a creepy voice.  
  
"W-what do you want!?"  
  
"...you...to....dieeeeee......" he muttered again. Claire raised an eyebrow and turned around, annoyed. "No! Wait come back! I was only kidding! I have candy!"  
  
"No thanks." Claire said as she opened the door and walked out of the room. Right when she closed the door behind her the alarms went off and a female computer voice was heard!  
  
'WARNING! THE SELF-DESTRUCT.....no wait, no BIOHAZARDOUS OUTBREAK HAS...uhhhhh....HAPPENED! ALL SECURITY DOOR WILL SHUT STARTING......NOW! RUN BITCH RUN!!!!!!!!'  
  
Claire's eyes widened and she broke into a sprint, when she turned the corner and looked down the stairs the shutter was starting to close, she ran as fast as she could, on the 4th step down the stairs she tripped. "AAHHH!!!!" she started rolling down the steps like a ball and managed to slide under the shutter .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000001 seconds before it close.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Phew!" Barry said, "What was a close one..."  
  
"DON'T SAY IT!" Jill screamed.  
  
"A second late, and she would of fit nicely into a sandwich!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Jill grabbed her head, ran outside, and started screaming into the sky. Everyone sweatdropped.  
  
"Actually she'd morely be sliced in half," Ada said. "So she'd be like a Claire sandwich sliced in two for lunch."  
  
"Mmmmmmm....Claire sandwich..." Rebecca said as he got a dazed look on her face. "I'd like to take a bite out of her..."  
  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire nervously opened the door to the locker room and then shrieked in horror.  
  
"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!! THE BOYS LOCKER ROOM!!!!!!" the biker covered her eyes when she saw a bunch of zombies wearing nothing but towels.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! THERE'S A GIRL IN HERE!!!!" a zombie yelled as he covered his crotch. Claire closed her eyes and started running in a random direction until she eventually rammed headfirst into the door to the shower room, causing it to fly off its hinges and her to land on top of it. "OUCH!!! Goddamnit!"  
  
"Don't forget to bring a towel!" a zombie with a high voice said as he whipped her ass with a wet towel.  
  
"Ouch!" Claire grabbed the towel. "Thanks I guess..."  
  
Claire walked into the shower room and opened the door of the sauna. She took off ALL her clothes and put on a towel in less then a second. Then sat down next to a zombie whose body was rotting away from the heat. "Hey dude are you okay?"  
  
"I'm a rotting corpse! AM I EVER OKAY!?" the zombie asked as he covered his eyes and started crying, Claire sweatdropped.  
  
"Wait a sec......I'm sittin in a sauna with a ZOMBIE! AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!" Claire jumped out of the sauna and closed the door; she turned the heat up to 200000000000000º.  
  
"Ack! The heat! The heat! Damn I'm hot!" the zombie inside the sauna yelled, it then exploded, its guts and stuff splattered against the window.  
  
"Ewwww!" Claire yelled as she stepped back, the tripped and fell down the stairs behind her, landing on another zombie and crushing its bones with her inferno weight. "Ew! Icky poopy zombie head!" Claire yelled as she jumped up and kicked the zombie in the face, its head flew off and hit the wall. "^_^;; Oops...sorry."  
  
"No problem!" the zombie yelled.  
  
Claire turned around and looked at the extremely shallow swimming pool. "An extremely shallow swimming pool!" she yelled and jumped into the pool without a second though. "Cool! My pants aren't getting wet even though I'm under water!" Claire smiled and dove into the pool. Some sexy music played as the jumped out soaking wet and waved her hair back and forth in slow motion. "I'm too sexy for my vest! To sexy for my vest! Too sexy, YEAH BABY YEAH!" Claire said as she started unbuttoning her vest. "Wait...this isn't Leon's room..." Claire buttoned her vest back up and started looking around the pool until she saw...  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
A valve handle!  
  
"YAY!" Claire ran up to the valve handle and turned it immediately, the water spewing out of the fountain stopped, showing an EXTREMELY shiny key under the water. "Shinyyyyyy!" Claire tried to pull the valve handle out of its socket, but it wouldn't come out. "Awww! I wanted to lug it around everywhere like in RE2! --;;" Claire let go of the valve handle and walked over to the shiny key, she picked it up. "A Shiny Key! Pick it up!? Yes-No? YES!!!!" Claire shoved the key in her butt pocket and jumped out of the pool.  
  
5 minutes later...  
  
Claire got to a room with a big copy machine, some computers, an empty locker, and about 3 ½ zombies. She pulled out the bow gun, aimed it at a zombie, and fired. After shooting about 30 times, she threw the bowgun to the floor. "GODDAMN THIS GUN SUCKS!!!!!" all the zombies started snickering, Claire looked at them pissed off and pulled out the knife.  
  
"O_O! No! Wait! NOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
Claire swung the knife and their heads exploded, sending 50 gallons of pixelly blood splashing upon Claire.  
  
"Ewwwwwww!" Claire yelled. "Hey! They didn't tell me there'd be so much blood!? Where's the message!?"  
  
Oh yeah...  
  
'This game contains scenes of explicit violence and Gore!'  
  
"Al Gore?"  
  
Yes.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! !!!!!!!" Claire ran around screaming until she ran into the copy machine. "Ouch! Ooooo.....copy machine!" Claire pulled her pants down and hopped on the top of the machine, she started photocopying her ass. "Weeeeeee!"  
  
12 minutes later...  
  
After about 50 copies, Claire hopped off the machine and looked at the photos of her ass. "Damn I'm hot! ^_^" she walked up to the locker and used the Shiny Key. It opened to reveal some.....  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
Bow Gun Powder!  
  
"Gasp!" Claire yelled. She picked up the bowgun powder as holy music played and held it above her head. "This is what I need to make the kick ass arrows!" She put it in her huge pockets and turned around. "Now time to continue Claire's Big Adventure 2!"  
  
Claire raised her hand in the air and started running. She ran out back to the hall and used the Biohazard Card on the security door. The door opened, revealing another hallway with a single door at the end. Claire walked into the hall, the security door closed behind her!  
  
"Aw crapola!" Claire yelled as she turned and saw the security door close. With a sigh she turned around and walked through the door. She was now in the Inner Courtyard.  
  
She walked halfway into the court when she saw a sniper laser go up her leg SLOOOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLYYYYYY. After 10 minutes, it finally got to her head and she looked up to see Alfred standing on the balcony. Alfred fired; the bullet landed 12 feet away from Claire, hitting an oilcan, causing it to explode. Claire sweatdropped. "WORK. ON. YOUR. AIM!!!!!!!" Alfred aimed the sniper laser at her head again. He fired, the bullet landed BEHIND him. "O_o what in the hell!?" Claire sighed and ran up to the stairs, she started jogging up, when she was halfway there, Alfred ran through one of the doors and locked it behind him, Claire grabbed the handle. "Damnit! You're lucky I'm not smart enough to shoot this lock off!" Claire screamed. She heard Alfred's giggling as a response. "Ugh..." Claire turned around and walked through the next door.  
  
She walked down the hall and picked up all the items and stuff in the room, she walked through the nearest door and sighed when she heard the Save Room music play. She walked into the nice comfy room and looked inside the Item Box to see all the items she put in the Palace now in this box.  
  
"Gotta love these magical item boxes! ^_^"  
  
Claire placed all her items except the Biohazard Card, mixed red and green herbs and the M-100P's in the box. She looked on the couch to see a medicine capsule! She picked it up and read the words on the cover.  
  
"Ho....mophobic...medicine?" Claire tried to read the tiny letters  
  
FLASH!  
  
The guy opened the door, nodded, and walked to his chair. He sat down and pulled out a medicine capsule.  
  
"Perfect!" he yelled as he threw the medicine on the floor in aggravation. "Go on! Get out! This place is finished! I dunno, it musta been a Special Forces team. But in any case this prison's been taken over. Our soldiers got distracted by something shiny."  
  
UNFLASH!  
  
"Oh yeeeaaaaahhhh..." Claire said. She put the medicine in the item box, saved her progress, and left the room.  
  
She walked to the other door in the hall and put her hand on the knob, suddenly she heard a loud noise and turned around to see the shutter closing! Looked to the floor and saw a mouse running for the door. They both ran towards the door, the mouse made it under, but she ran headfirst into the security door.  
  
"OUCH! DAMNIT!" Claire rubbed her head. An extremely gay and annoying voice interrupter her cussing.  
  
"Weeeelcome Claaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrreeeeee!"  
  
"AH!" Claire jumped and turned around; Alfred's voice was heard over the radio on the shelf near the ceiling.  
  
"Please come to Alfred's Neverland Ranch, I have built a special...playground, juuuust for yoooooouuuuu!"  
  
"O_o Um...thanks."  
  
"Pleeease tryyyy to keep me amuuuused by not dieing to sooooon! I am soooooo going to enjoooy this...mmyes!" Alfred started giggling like a little girl again and the radio turned off. Claire got her PMSing look on her face and walked over to the door again.  
  
"I'm so gonna beat his ass when I get out of this..."  
  
Claire put her hand on the door and felt her slow steady heartbeat, trying to take EXTRA long to open THIS door. After about 10 minutes of looking at the doorknob closely, she opened the door and entered a big storage room. She was on a catwalk. There was a stairs that led down to a locked door and something extremely shiny in the corner of the catwalk. She walked over to the end of the catwalk to see...  
  
Bumbumbumbumbumbum! BumbumbumbumbumbumBUUUUUUMMMM!!!!!!!  
  
"The Sub-Machine Guns!" Claire yelled with glee as the grabbed the two guns; she was disappointed to see that there were no bullets in it. "Aww poop! No bullets!"  
  
She walked back to the door she entered the room in, but when she got to it, it locked! The shutter next to where she picked up the guns opened and a large hand attached to a huge pulsating arm reached out and grabbed the railing. Claire's eyes widened in horror as a butt ugly creature jumped out and onto the catwalk. It had yellowish skin, a very messed up face, and most importantly, a huge pulsating right arm. Some corny horror music played as the thing stretched its arm across the entire room and grabbed the pipe above Claire's head and pulled itself up to her! Claire screamed and dropkicked the thing in the face.  
  
"Ouch!" The creature yelled as it covered its face, Claire sweatdropped and pulled out the M-100Ps.  
  
"DIE BITCH!!!!" Claire shot the thing repeatedly until it finally fell to the floor and died. "DAMN I KICK ASS!" Claire squealed as she got in a victory pose, she looked at the thing and poked it with a stick. "What the heck is this thing!? Big pulsating arm, I'll call it a BANDERSNATCH! Yeah! That's it!" Claire smiled, the door on the bottom floor suddenly opened. "Gasp! The door on the bottom floor suddenly opened!" She jogged down the stairs and walked though the door...  
  
And her eyes widened when she saw another Bandersnatch drop from the ceiling and land in front of her! Before she could even move, it extended its arm and bitch slapped her in the face. "ACK!" Claire flew into a bunch of boxes; the creature grabbed her head and raised her above it. You could hear her skull start to crack as she tried to break free from the things grasp. "NO! MUST...ESCAPE...SOMEONE HEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
  
As if on que, well, actually it WAS on que, Steve burst through the window above Claire and the Bandersnatch and did a Matrix like camera shot. Time froze everything but Steve as the camera moved around him, Steve started doing his hair in mid air, then turned to the monster and fired two shots into its back with the Gold Lugers. Time unfroze as the creature screamed and fell over, dropping Claire. Steve landed next to Claire and stared at her.  
  
"O.O She's beeeaaaauuuuuuutttttiiiiifffuuuuul!" He said as he looked at her, dazed. The Bandersnatch got up.  
  
"Um...I'm still here," it said.  
  
"Oh yeah," Steve said, he turned and fired two more shots into the monster, knocking it back again. He then started repeatedly firing with style, knocking the monster back with every shot, Steve then kicked the monster in the gut and it fell to the floor, then he did a slow dramatic final shot into the creatures head, killing it. He got a stupid grin on his face and turned to Claire. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I ALMOST HAD MY SKULL CAVE IN! WHAT DO YOU THINK!?"  
  
"I think Halo and Metroid Prime are overrated."  
  
"I-" Claire stopped and got in a thinking pose. "Ya know, you're right..."  
  
Steve smiled again, showing his disgustingly white teeth. "Don't worry Claire! Your knight in shining armor is here!" he said as he kneeled down next to her, Claire looked at the Gold Lugers in his hand and the piano note played.  
  
"Yeah RIGHT." Claire said as she got up, Steve sighed and looked at the ceiling. "Anyway, here, these are for you." Claire held the sub-machine guns in her hand.  
  
"Machine Guns!? For meeeee!?" Steve asked as he got a halo on his head.  
  
"Merry Christmas!" Claire said.  
  
"This is the happiest day of my short miserable life!" Steve yelled as he reached for the machine guns. Claire pulled them back.  
  
"In exchange for your Lugers."  
  
"O.o You REALLY are gonna give me MACHINE guns for puny little LUGERS? You're pretty stupid eh-OUCH!" Steve cried as Claire hit him over the head with the machine gun. "Sorry sorry, just kidding!"  
  
"Good, you betta be!" Claire said as she gave him the Sub-Machine guns, he gave her the Gold Lugers. "Pleasure doing business with you."  
  
"I've got Machine Guns! Shweet!" Steve yelled.  
  
"AHEM! SUB-Machine guns." Claire said.  
  
"Yeah, whatever! Yes! Haha!" Steve aimed the guns at the wall and pulled the trigger, he heard a click. "W-what!? No ammo!?"  
  
Claire couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! DAMN I'M FUNNY!!!!"  
  
Steve looked at Claire sadly. "You cheated me...;_;"  
  
Claire sweatdropped. "Sorry, look, up there. Ammo, just for you." She pointed at the top of the box where the machine gun ammo was.  
  
"YAY!" Steve yelled. "Wait a tick, what the hell's it doing up there!?"  
  
"Don't ask me, almost everything in Resident Evil seems out of place, I mean, I once found a Grenade Launcher in a police storage locker!"  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "Well, how do we get up there!?"  
  
"Give me a lift, I'll get it for ya."  
  
"Okay!" Steve kneeled over and got on his hands and knees. Claire hopped on his back. "AAAAAARRRGGGUUUUUUAAAAAAAA!!!!! DAMN YOU'RE HEAVY! HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH!? 500 POUNDS!?" Claire kicked him in the back of the head. "OUCH!"  
  
"Shuddap!" Claire said with a smile. Some corny love music started to play as she picked up the machine gun ammo and hopped off Steve. Don't ask me WHAT'S romantic about machine gun ammo, but, eh, Capcom's weird. Anyway, Claire held it in front of him. "Here you go."  
  
"Thanks." Steve said, "Man Billy made it look easy..."  
  
The ground beneath them shook for a sec and started to descend, they both looked around and realized that they were on a cargo elevator. They heard Alfred's voice.  
  
"Now that your knight has arrived, he can join you into your decent into daaaarrkneeessss! Mmyes!" Alfred started giggling over the intercom and the screen went black.  
  
"Oooo, creepy..." Claire said as they descended down to the basement of the facility...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay I bet you $50 Claire and Steve fall in love by the end of the game." Kenneth said.  
  
"YOU'RE ON!" Billy yelled.  
  
"Sigh, boys." Jill said.  
  
"Leon is Claire-chan going to survive?" Sherry asked with an innocent voice.  
  
"Of course not honey! ^_^" Leon said as he patted her on the head. Sherry sweatdropped and started to cry.  
  
"Don't worry Sherry," Rebecca said as she kneeled next to her. "Claire will survive, you'll see."  
  
"Reeeeeaaaaallllllyyyy?" Sherry asked.  
  
"Of course!" Rebecca smiled and punched Leon in the face. "Jackass!"  
  
"Ouch! Sorry!" Leon yelled.  
  
"This is so horrible!" Jill yelled. "Claire, stuck on a monster with flesh eating islands and an a bunch of idiots! Death and disconnection surround her!"  
  
"I think you said that wrong..." Ada said.  
  
Barry came in the room. "Popcorns ready!"  
  
"YAY!" Everyone crowded around the popcorn bowl, Jill fell over. 


	5. Steve's Five Seconds Of Fame

Hey, sorry I haven't updated in a LONG time. I'll start updating this more again. This isn't a very good part of the game to write, it'll get better soon though! ^_^ Hope ya like!  
  
^_^_^_^_^  
  
The elevator landed at the bottom floor, the basement. Steve and Claire looked at each other.  
  
"The basement..." they both said dramatically. Steve loaded the two sub- machine guns.  
  
"Alright Claire, time to test out my new toy!" Steve yelled, he turned and ran out of the room. "Hahahaha!"  
  
"Have fun!" Claire waved, Steve ran through the door.  
  
-Steve Game-  
  
Steve looked around the room full of zombies. "Whoa! I'm the leading protagonist for a little while! Cool!" he aimed the two sub-machine guns up and fired at the zombies, one bullet hit a gas canister, causing it to explode and sending the zombie next to it into flames. "Oops...sorry."  
  
"It's okay!" the zombies yelled, Steve fired the sub-machine guns at every square inch of the room. When he finished off, the whole place, along with himself, was covered in blood. He stood on top of a zombie's body and let out a loud battle cry.  
  
"WHO ELSE WANTS SOME!?" Steve shouted dramatically. All the zombies in the area turned and ran away screaming. Steve raised an eyebrow. "Wow...I FEEL POWERFUL! ^_^"  
  
Later...  
  
Steve ran down a catwalk in a dark part of the basement and turned around. Claire ran through the door and up to him. Steve looked around the room.  
  
"It was dirty work, but this area is now clean."  
  
"Um...no." Claire said. "There's blood and carnage allover the place."  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "Well...yeah, but all the zombies are dead."  
  
"They were already...yeah. Right." Claire said, not bothering to try and annoy him, they were annoying each other enough already.  
  
Steve looked at the machine guns. "Ya see? You can depend on me."  
  
"Claire Redfield depends on NO MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "Ya see, these things are more reliable than any person."  
  
Claire raised an eyebrow. "Than people?"  
  
Steve narrowed his eyes and turned around.  
  
"Steve..." Claire said. "How did you get here, where's your family?"  
  
"Shut up!" Steve yelled in a whiney annoying voice. "I don't want to talk about it!!!" he turned and fired 200,000,000 bullets into the wall. Claire covered her ears.  
  
"Stop shooting that thing everywhere!" She yelled.  
  
"Let's go." Steve said coldly, he turned and ran to the elevator.  
  
"Ugh, that Steve." Claire said, annoyed. "He's cocky he's a brat he's a jerk, and all that.................really turns me on!" Claire got a big grin on her face and ran into the elevator with him.  
  
Later...  
  
Claire lit the end of her mixed herbs wrapped in paper with the lighter, and then lit the end of Steve's. They both put the mixed green herbs to their mouth and inhaled.  
  
"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" They both said to each other at the same time as they got a dazed look on their face. The background got all rainbowy and they started flying in the air.  
  
"I'm wasteeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!" Steve said with a dazed look on his face. Claire pulled out a cell phone, dialed a number, and put it to her ear. They both started giggling madly like little skool girls.  
  
A man in his room picked up the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Waaazzzzaaaaaaapppppp!?" Claire yelled.  
  
"Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!?" the man yelled back. Claire hung up and dialed another number.  
  
Albert Wesker picked up his cell phone when it started ringing. "Yes?"  
  
"Waaaaazzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!?????" Claire and Steve yelled.  
  
"Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaap!" Wesker yelled, he turned and looked at a group of Hunters behind him. "Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppp!?"  
  
"Waaaazzzzzaaaaaappppp!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ring Ring!  
  
"I'll get it!" Sherry said as she got up and walked over to Leon's phone. "Hello? Claire?"  
  
"Waaaazzzaaaaaaaapppp!?" Claire asked.  
  
Sherry turned and looked to the other RE characters. "Waazzzzzzaaaaaaaapppp!?"  
  
"WAAAAZZZZZAAAAAPPPPP!!!!??" They all yelled.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire hung up and dropped the phone on the floor. "Wooooooooo!"  
  
"I love this shit yo." Steve said as he literally flew around the hallway.  
  
"Wait for meeeeee!" Claire yelled as she jumped and started flying after him.  
  
Later.....  
  
Claire and Steve finally got off of the floor and shook their head.  
  
"Ooouuuuccccchhhhh! ;_;" Claire cried. "I have a headache!"  
  
"Me too..." Said Steve.  
  
"And what am I sitting on?" Claire got off of the floor to see she sat on and crushed her cell phone. ".....oops, I wish I knew I had that earlier..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The whole RE cast fell over.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Oh well! ^^;" Claire got up.  
  
"Well, I guess this is my chance to run into the other room way before you! See ya!" Steve yelled as he ran through the door before she could respond.  
  
"--;; Jerk..." Claire walked over to the door and opened it, she was now on a wooden catwalk, Steve was on another part of the catwalk scratching his ass. He looked at Claire and took his hand away.  
  
"YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!!!!"  
  
"So? My ass gets itchy too." Claire said as she scratched her ass and burped. Steve sweatdropped.  
  
'Now that's MY kinda woman!' he thought. He smiled and shook his head. "Anyway, come on Claire!"  
  
Claire walked over to the part of the catwalk he was on, and their combined inferno weight caused it to break and fall to the floor, they both fell a story down and onto the ground. Steve landed on his ass and Claire fell on her side, a bunch of debris fell on her legs.  
  
"Ooooooooooooh THAT hurt!" Claire muttered as she pulled the combat knife out of her pocket, which she landed on badly. She looked at Steve. "Cover your ears."  
  
"Okay." Steve covered his ears.  
  
"GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH/BASTARD STUPIDASS CATWALK FLOOR!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, it echoed throughout the whole island, causing all the birds and bats to fly away and all the zombies and soldiers to look around nervously. She tried to pull her legs out of the debris. ".....okay uncover your ears."  
  
Steve took his hands off his ears and got a stupid grin on his face. "Claire, are you okay?"  
  
"YES I'M JUST DANDY!!!!!" she shouted in his face, Steve jumped back and covered his ears.  
  
"Ouch, sheesh your voice can pierce flesh."  
  
"Um...thanks! ^_^;;" Claire saw a zombie rise up out of the ground behind Steve. "STEVIE!!! WATCH OOOOOUUUUUUTTTT!!!!?????"  
  
Bad voice acting in deed.  
  
Steve sweatdropped turned around and aimed his guns at the zombie. Steve and the zombie's eyes met and a loud clang noise was heard. The boy's eyes widened as the creature walked towards him.  
  
"O_O N-no..." Steve muttered. The zombie took a step forward, he took another step back, until his back hit the jeep behind him and he fell over. He scrambled up and aimed the guns at the zombie but still didn't shoot. "No..."  
  
"What's wrong Steve!? Shoot it!"  
  
"N-no! I caaaaant!" Steve cried. "NOOOOO!!!!!" he closed his eyes and stood still, looking like a complete idiot.  
  
"Steve!" Claire yelled, the zombie looked at her and slowly walked towards her. Claire's eyes widened and she looked around. "Damnit why do my guns always disappear during the scenes!?"  
  
Horror music played as the zombie slowly bent down to bite her. "Steve help meeeeee!" she screamed, she covered her head and screamed again. "AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
Her annoying high-pitched squeal snapped Steve out it and everything went in slow motion. He aimed the guns at the zombie, which was only a few inches from her neck. "FAAAAAAAATTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed dramatically as he opened fire on the zombie. Bullets filled its body, somehow missing Claire entirely. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the zombie fell to the floor and he kept unloading the guns. Even though he had wasted tons of ammo for one gun earlier, they both ran out of ammo at the same time. And he continued to pull the trigger, while staring in shock.  
  
After ten seconds Claire looked back up. "Hey...I'm still alive! Kewl!" she looked at Steve, who still had a shocked and horrified look on his face. "O_o Steve?"  
  
"Father..." Steve said, he fell to his knees and looked at the ceiling. "Father...father..." his voice broke and he started crying.  
  
Claire looked at the zombie and after 20 seconds finally made a connection. "OOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHH, that zombie's his FATHER! No wonder why it looks different than the rest!" she looked back at Steve who was crying, then, suddenly, as if by magic, the rubble all disappeared. "O_o what the hell!?" Claire sighed and got up, she walked over to Steve, who was curled into a little ball.  
  
Sad music played as it showed a close up of Steve.  
  
"Dad..." he said. "He used to work for Umbrella. Started stealing information and umbrellas, and selling it to the highest bidder. He was caught. Mom got lost in a giant hot air balloon. And we were sent here to this island..."  
  
"........well that sucks." Claire said.  
  
"He was a fool to do it! So reckless and stupid..." he said as he tucked his head between his legs and started silently crying.  
  
"Hell yeah! Your dads an IDIOT! He shoulda sold the info to Leon or Chris or something and they would of kicked Umbrella's punk white A$$..." Claire realized Steve was crying and frowned. "Oh Steve...I'll leave you alone for now. Because we need another excuse to split up for a while." She said calmly, Steve made an OK sign with his hand and continued crying silently.  
  
She got up and walked out of the room.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The RE cast sat on the floor, couches, chairs, ect. In front of the TV.  
  
......  
  
......  
  
......  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Sherry cried as she fell on Becky's shoulder and started crying waterfalls.  
  
Jill pulled out a tissue and started wiping fresh tears away. "So corny...YET SO SAD!!!!!!!" she fell into Carlos's arms and started crying.  
  
";_; Poor Stevie!" Rebecca said as she hugged Sherry close.  
  
"Oh brother." Billy rolled his eyes. Leon grabbed onto him and hugged him.  
  
"CANT YOU SEE THE DRAMA!!!!!!" he said as he started crying loudly.  
  
"GET THE HELL OFF ME!!!" Billy screamed as he pushed Leon away and slid backwards across the carpet into a corner. "What do you think I'm gay or something?"  
  
"Well.....you DO have a mullet..." Leon said, everyone started sniggering.  
  
"HEY! MULLETS ARE COOL!!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, you tell yourself that." Everyone said.  
  
"--;; I hate you."  
  
"^_^ We hate you too!" everyone said.  
  
"AND THE WORLD SHALL BURN IN AN INFERNO OF HATE!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed, she started laughing manically. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHUHUHEHAHUHAHUWAHAHAAWEEEEE!!!!!!!" Everyone backed away from her.  
  
"Whoa whoa, calm down Becky..." Jill said.  
  
"Sorry...I just needed to say that."  
  
"ANYWAY!!!!!" Ada yelled out, making everyone jump. "PAY ATTENTION TO CLAIRE!"  
  
Everyone looked back at the TV screen to see Claire staring at a painting of a man near the beach.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"How intriguing this fine painting is." Claire said as she tried to act rich and smart, she got in a thinking pose. "It's shape and form resembles that of a forever lasting flow of thoughtful and nonauxiliary inquiries that we've been hiding from ourselves all along. And with metaphysical (and metalogical) ramifications I dare say this has the greatest knowledge of induldiatably that speaks out with such self-knowledge and relationships with one another that it is astonishing. Along with the *exondiontiad'uurgrafilogical* of power which is inside us all, this great showing of art and physical strength enriches the powers of the punch that compels you. With majestically and amorphous ways of showing the texture of art within the painting which introduces the sexual act of therapy in the quantumplex we know as space and time, this painting ultimately leads to the rejection, and birth of life itself."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
".....what the hell did she just say!?" Leon asked.  
  
"I don't think even she knows..." said Sherry.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Wow I feel smart! ^_^" Claire looked at the painting of the wall, it was a mirror image of the room, except it had a huge model of the Military Training Facility next to the painting, along with a painting of a skeleton on the opposite wall. Claire turned around and saw an Eagle Medal in the place of the skeleton painting.  
  
"Ugh...another emblem." Claire said, with a sigh she picked up the object. "I think I saw a place for this on that balcony Alfy was trying to snipe me on...I BETTER GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Getting a big grin on her face, Claire started running top speed back to the balcony.  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
"BOY that took longer than it should of!" Claire stopped and placed the emblem on the case...thing. She heard a click and the case opened up to reveal and Emblem Card! "Emblem Card. Take it? Yes-No? Yes." She picked it up. "Wee! Now to use it on everything!"  
  
Claire then pranced around the Military Training Facility, using the Emblem Card on pretty much anything, jamming it up computers, hitting it on desks, trying to stab it through simple locks.  
  
Eventually she got to a gate near where Steve and she left the cargo elevator. She saw something on the other end of the gate. She peered through and her eyes widened when she saw a...  
  
Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh DUH DUUUUHHHHH!!!!  
  
Grenade Launcher! Which was conveniently placed on the floor by god only knows who.  
  
"Oooooo! I want the pretty grenade launcheeeerrrr!" she said as she tried to break the bars down with her head. "Ouch...wait, maybe I should...should...USE THE EMBLEM CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" holy music played as she jammed the Emblem Card into the slot. The gate started glitching up, opening and closing rapidly, until it finally stopped. She picked up the grenade launcher! "YAYZIES! Wow, it looks EXACTLY like the grenade launcher in RE2 and 3! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!!!"  
  
She got a stupid grin on her face and crammed the grenade launcher down her pants. "Wow, I can fit ANYTHING in these pants! XD" She started walking funny and left the room.  
  
The biker entered the lift and pressed the 2nd Floor button. It started moving upwards slowly.  
  
"Movin on uup!" Claire sang. "Moving on up! Know that it's tough! Moving on up! Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh DUH DUH DUH!"  
  
The elevator stopped at the 2nd floor, Claire walked up to the steel shutter and used the emblem card. With a ding, the door opened, and a zombies limp body fell near her feet.  
  
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEE!!!!" Claire screamed at the top of her lungs, causing all the glass in the room to crack. "Wait, it'd dead! YAY!" she walked over the body and up the stairs. After picking up a randomly placed box thing of grenade rounds, Claire looked at a TV monitor on the wall.  
  
It showed a butt ugly picture of a weird worm-like thingy, the word 'Albinoid' written above it.  
  
'The Albinoid.  
  
A creature, which is created by injecting the T-Virus into the genes of a salamander. As you know, us Umbrellaians love to inject the T-Virus into EVERYTHING. Like this one time we injected it into a stink bug and...wait, getting off topic. I really shouldn't be typing this or Alfred will send me to the torture chamber again...  
  
Anyway, similar to a normal amphibian, an Albinoid will change as it grows with age. When young, and Albinoid is small in size and can grow to over 7 feet tall in a very short time frame (10+ hours, freaky, eh?).  
  
They posses high mobility and are able to discharge electricity. Believe me, we found out when Ben accidentally touched an adult, he still shakes all the time. These characters are MOST noticeable when underwater in their adult form, we love to experiment and we 'accidentally' dropped one in the swimming pool once...it really sucked.'  
  
Claire rolls her eyes. "Man, Umbrella people are stupid."  
  
She turned around and stepped down the steppy steps. She walked over to a big set of computer monitors; there was an Army Proof on the keyboard. "Army Proof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it? Yes-No? Yes. You do not have enough item space. GODDAMNIT!!!!" Claire screamed. She turned and started to jog back to the item box.  
  
Later...  
  
"Backy!" Claire said as she came back, now with 3 item spaces. She picked up the Army Proof. "Kewlies! Only one more to go and I can get the hell out of here!" she looked on the computer monitor to see the room that that scientist was in. He was still having his head constantly bashed into the window over and over and over by a Bandersnatch. "Ouch...he must have some headache. ^^;;" she zoomed the camera in on the painting in the back of the room, the numbers 16, 15, 15, 16 were written.  
  
'WARNING!!!!!!' a loud female computer voice yelled over the speakers.  
  
Claire jumped. "What is it now!?"  
  
'THE BIOHAZARDOUS STUFF IN THE LAB IS CLEARED!'  
  
"Really?"  
  
'YEAH!'  
  
"YAY!!!" Claire yelled. She ran back to the Military Training Facility's main hall and opened the shutter that closed earlier. She ran up the stairs, through the door, and opened the door to the lab. The scientist was still getting his head bashed into the window.  
  
"Hey, are you okay?"  
  
"(bam!) Ouch! Yeah (bam!) I'm f-(bam!) OUCH! I (bam!) I'M FINE!!!!"  
  
"Okey!" Claire walked over to the back of the room, where the painting was. There was an Albinoid suspended in a glass case, covered with icky liquid, next to the picture. "Damn you're ugly." She said as she looked at the Albinoid. Is smashed its head into the edge of the jar, causing it to bounce a little and Claire to jump back. "Hmph, stupid ugly thing!"  
  
She turned and pulled the painting off of the wall, then somehow crammed it down her pants. "Ooo...this feels kinda.........awkward..."  
  
GLASS BREAKING NOISE!!!!!  
  
"What the hell!?" Claire asked, she looked and saw the Albinoid had burst out of the glass container, it slid across the floor and through an air vent. The alarms turned on and the computer voice started speaking again.  
  
'Oh yeah James...just like that...oohh...What? I'm on!? Oh crap! Um.....A BIOHAZARDOUS OUTBREAK HAS OCCURRED.....Again!? Damn! Umbrella sucks at keeping things under control!' the voice yelled. Claire sweatdropped, and suddenly it started raining Albinoids!  
  
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Claire screamed. "Icky! Icky!" she crushed one Albinoid with her foot. "Ewwwwwww!"  
  
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!  
  
"Ouch!" Claire yelled as all the Albinoids around her started sparking electricity through her body. She ran out the door with the painting.  
  
"See (bam!) ya! (bam!) ouch!" the scientist said.  
  
"Bai!" the biker girl waved as she ran out the door, down the stairs, and under the shutter before it closed. "Man, shutters suck!"  
  
She ran back to the room Steve was resting in to see him and his father's body was gone.  
  
"Damnit...just like Sherry. Always runs off when I leave them alone for two seconds." Claire sighed and walked back to the room where she got the emblem. She placed the picture in the wall, suddenly the wall opened next to her, showing a big model of the Military Training Facility.  
  
"Wow...they have secret hiding places for EVERYTHING!" Claire said as she scratched her head. "Man, it must suck having to work here, all these keys and locked doors..."  
  
Something golden shined in the model, Claire looked at it closely to see it was a...duh duh duh!...Gold Key!  
  
"Oooo!" Claire squealed. "I like goooooooolllllddddddd!" she got a dazed look on her face and looked at the ceiling. She shook her head and picked up the key. "Gold Key. Take it? Yes-No? Yes!"  
  
She put it in her pocket and walked out of the Military Training Facility. "Off I go! Back to the palace! Duh duh DUUUUHHHHH! Duh duh duh duh duh DUUUH! DUH DUUUUHHHHH!!!!!!!!" she sang as she started prancing back to the Palace to use her new shiny key, and the gold Lugers too. 


	6. The Residence Of EVIL! MUAHAHA!

Here's the next chappy! Oy vey, my humor tend to deterioate. Mainy because I don't have any ideas for this part of the fic. I have plenty for the start of disk 2 though so don't worry. ^_^;; Here's the next chappy!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Rebecca Chambers looked left and right down the hall, then opened the closet door and quickly ran in. She turned the light on and sat on the closet floor. She pulled a photograph of Claire grinning and giving a thumbs up out of her pocket and looked at it with a big lovesick smile.  
  
"Oh Claire Redfield..." Rebecca said as she hugged the photograph closely, she started kissing the picture of Claire over and over. "You're so dreeeeaaaammmmmyyyyyyy." She lay on the floor with the picture covering her face, muffling her voice. "Oh marry me Claire Redfield...ooohhhhh..."  
  
"I wonder where Rebecca went." Billy said as he looked down the hall of Leon's big house. He heard some strange muffling noises and looked at the closet door. He put his ear to the door.  
  
"Ooh Claaaaiiiiiiiirrrrreeeeeee..."  
  
Billy raised an eyebrow and opened the door; Rebecca fell out, since she was leaning on the door. She fell to the floor underneath the man, with a picture of Claire in her arms, seemingly ATTACHED to her face, and her right hand was down her leather pants.  
  
"O_o What are you doing?"  
  
"NOTHING!" Rebecca shouted as she jumped up faster than Billy thought possible. "STOP STALKING ME!!!!!!!!!" she screamed in her face, then ran away. Billy sweatdropped.  
  
"What in the hell?"  
  
"Hey! Billy! Look at what Claire's doing on TV!" he heard Sherry's voice yell. He walked back into the living room, where the rest of the RE cast was sitting and sat down. Claire was on the TV looking at a picture of Alfred Ashford.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I'm Claire, and I'm looking at a picture of Alfred Ashford!" Claire said as she waves at you and smiles. "Hmmmmmm...I WONDER why there are buttons under each of them.  
  
She had used the Gold Key to open the double doors in the hallway, and she wanted to check out the Palace before she tried to go anywhere else. Since she used it, she just KNEW she wouldn't need it again, so she threw it away of course.  
  
And here she was, in a room full of paintings, each containing a member of the Ashford family. There was a roll of paper under the picture of Alfred, she picked it up and started to read...  
  
'Message to the New Family.  
  
Sir Alfred, erm...Betty.  
  
Congratulations on your succession as MASTAH of the Ashford Family! I hereby present you with an earthenware vase, according to the Ashford Family tradition; I shall hit you in the head with it. Then steal your money. ^_^ As you may know, this tradition first began when a butler gave a golden teacup to Veronica. She hated it, wanting something more valuable than that, so she threw it out...the bitch. As founder of the Ashford family, her intelligence and beauty are very very...big.  
  
The second and third master debaters, Stanley and his son Thomas were ALSO presented with teacups, which they ALSO threw out. It was their hope to smear mud in Veronica's butt ugly face and achieve glory and get popular with the ladies. The position of family master then shifted from Sir Thomas to his evil twin brother, Sir Arthur. It then went to Sir Edward. Your grandfather, in case you forgot for some strange reason. That's when the Ashford Family enjoyed its golden age. It was also Sir Edward's achievement that established the large chemical enterprise that we all know and hate, Umbrella Inc. (he got the idea when he saw his son, Alexander, prancing around the house swinging an umbrella around. And then he thought 'Ya know, there isn't a company called Umbrella yet so I'll make one!' And he did, a really badass job at it too.)  
  
However, when Sir Edward passed away (drank too much tea, it killed the poor guy), and your father Sir Alexander succeeded the position, the glorious Ashford family began to sink. Mainly because Sir Alexander SUCKED at leading peoples. I REALLY hope that the Ashford family regains its glory with your guidance, Alfred, or I swear to you I will make sure you'll suffer a fate FAR worse than death.  
  
Ashford Family Butler, Dick Hurtz'  
  
"This Ashford family sounds really corny and overrated, like Jill! ^_^" Claire said as she put the paper in her personal library.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"She did NOT just say that!" Jill yelled, she clenched her fists and a vein appeared in her forehead. "I'm not overrated! I AM PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Whoa whoa, calm down Jill. Don't get too excited-" Barry said, but he was interrupted when Jill right-hooked him. "OUCH!"  
  
Barry fell to the floor, unconscious, his nose bleeding.  
  
"O_o Damn..." Leon said.  
  
"I swear I shall get my REVEEEENNNNNGE!" Jill yelled as she jumped up and started laughing manically, thunder and lightning flashed around her. Everyone sweatdropped.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Anyway..." Claire said. "Ooo! I know. Let me guess...I PRESS THE BUTTONS ON THE PICTURES IN THE ORDER THEY WERE LEADERS OF THE ASHFORD FAMILY OR...whatever!" she got a grin on her face and did just that, pressing the buttons under the paintings in the order the names were listed in the file. After that, she walked back to the painting of Alfy and pressed the button. The wall spun around quickly, hitting Claire and knocking her down the short steps and into a pillar. "OUCH!"  
  
She felt her back and shook her head, then looked up to see a painting of a tall blonde female. "That must be Alexia..." she said out loud. "Sheesh, she's not THAT hot."  
  
There was a vase on the table under the portrait. Claire picked it up and examined it.  
  
"It's an earthen wear va-whoops!" she accidentally dropped it, it fell to the floor. "O_O Oh c-c-crap! I hope I didn't nee-ooh pretty!" she interrupted her sentence when she saw a red beetle jewel thingy in the broken...uh...whatever vases are made out of. O_o?  
  
"Weird Beatle Jewel Thingy. Take it? Yes-No? YES!" she screamed as she shoved it down her pants. Seemingly nothing else was in the room, so she walked out.  
  
"Oooooooohhhhhhhh..." a zombie moaned as it walked down the hallway, closer to the bike girl.  
  
"Hi Mr. Zombie!" Claire yelled, she pulled out the Gold Lugers. "PREPARE TO EAT MY BULLETS!!!!!!"  
  
Click. Click. Click.  
  
"DAMNIT!" she screamed as she realized there was no more ammo in the gold Lugers. "Why do they run out RIGHT when Steve lets go of them!?" she sighed and realized the zombie was now like two feet in front of her. She casually pushed its head, knocking it over. "Stupid zombie."  
  
She ran across the palace and back to the save rooms. "I went for so much crap for these..." she muttered as she placed the two Gold Lugers in the door at the back of the save room. She heard a click and the door unlocked.  
  
After saving her game again, Claire walked through the newly unlocked door.  
  
THUNDERISH NOISE!  
  
The biker girl jumped when she heard thunder and lightning. "Whatthebajesus!? There wasn't a storm a second ago!"  
  
It was Alfred's office! There was a large window showing a bridge not to far from the place. On a desk was a computer, and there was a big music box/cabinet thingy in the corner of the room. She picked up the box of handgun bullets and walked over to the computer. Pressing the on button, the ending of the video of the Ashford's played, then the music box turned on in the corner of the room.  
  
"Well...that's sure interesting." She said.  
  
'PLEASE ENTER THE SECURITY CODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' the computer voice yelled, causing Claire to jump fifty feet high and hit the ceiling.  
  
"OUCH! DAMN THAT WAS SCARY!!!!!"  
  
Such a weird character Claire is eh? Loud computers scare her, but flesh eating zombies and monsters don't.  
  
Claire slowly crawled back to the bathroom on the first floor of the palace to get some toilet paper, then walked back to Alfred's office. "Ah, now what could the code be?"  
  
There was a paper near the desk, the words 'IN ORDER TO FIND THE CODE, WHICH IS NOT 1971, GO TO THE MUSIC BOX AND PRESS LEFT, LEFT LEFT LEFT, RIGHT, CIRCLE, BACK, Q, END SCENARIO, RIGHT!!!!!!!'  
  
"O_o" Claire typed in the code, 1971 and the Ashford family tune played. The music box moved out of the way to show a...  
  
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!  
  
Secret passageway!  
  
"Wow...surprising." Claire said with a yawn. She walked through the secret passage and through the door it led to.  
  
Now she was on an incredibly long wooden bridge that led to a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG stairway. A mansion was high up in the darkness looking all evil and stuff.  
  
Claire ran up to the stairs, and started walking up. Thunder and lightning flashed on the dark and creepy mansion as a female evil laugh was heard.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  
  
"Ooo, creepy." Claire said as she started jogging up the steps.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The sound of screams woke Chris Redfield. He groaned in his sleep and turned around in the chair. All the people in the train car besides him were running around screaming, Leeches covered their bodies and were eating away at their flesh.  
  
"5 more minutes mommy..." Chris groaned as he covered his face with the pillow. The screaming never ceased, so he sleepily got up and limped to the next car, hoping for some quietness. He pushed through the train door and into the next car, which was normal and peaceful as usual.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The girl was panting hard as she slowly crawled up the last three steps, when she got to the top; she laid her head on the floor and tried to catch her breath. "Damn (pant, pant) that stairs...(pant, pant)...was unnecessarily (pant, pant) long..."  
  
After 10 minutes of recuperating, the girl stumbled upwards and looked around the courtyard. There was a disturbing statue of an angel with its throat torn open in front of her.  
  
"Ewwwww..."  
  
"Um...roar!" Claire jumped and turned to see a Bandersnatch standing right next to her.  
  
"Oh, hi."  
  
"Hey"  
  
"So...what is it?"  
  
"Well...I'm supposed to try to kill you."  
  
"Oh, well. Go ahead. ^_^" Claire said, the thing grabbed onto her head. "OUCH!" the thing shook her head around, trying to crush her skull in. She slapped the things arm off of her and shot it a bazillion times with her M- 100Ps. "DDDDIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
The Bandersnatch let out a roar fell to the floor (oooh! I just rhymed! ^_^;;) in a pool of its own blood, dead.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Claire yelled, she felt something slap her ass and turned around to see ANOTHER Bandersnatch. "Holy crap!" She pulled the guns back out and shoot the hell out of the poor monster. After it was pumped full of led, and dead (YAY ANOTHER RHYME! ^_^;;;;;) on the floor, Claire jogged up the OTHER stairs. She picked up the conveniently placed red herb on the floor and walked up to the double doors.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Claire put her face REEEEAAAALLLYYYY close to the knobs and stared at it for an extra long time.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
She SLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWLLLLLLYYYYYY put her hands on the handles.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"JUST OPEN THE GOSH DARN DOOR YE PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the whole RE cast screamed at the TV screen.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire turned the handles and opened the doors.  
  
Some really creepy music played as she looked around the mansion. A gasp of horror escaped her lips at what stand stagnant just in front of her. Upon that sign, words, words of darkness, words of EVILNESS...  
  
'You Have Now Entered The Residence Of Evil...'  
  
"Oooo...scary..." she said. Bats flew around the room, she equipped her lighter. "Sheesh you'd think they'd do a better job at this bat problem."  
  
There were dolls, oh so many dolls, hidden around the room. There was a sign taped to the glass case that the dolls were in.  
  
'Evil Stuff'  
  
"Creative! ^_^" Claire said. She walked through a door made out of cushions into the dinning room.  
  
Heavy footsteps echoed throughout the dinning room, Claire turned and saw a Bandersnatch next to the unlit fireplace.  
  
"Boo!" the thing yelled.  
  
"AAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Claire screamed, she started swinging the lighter around; it hit the thing in the eyes.  
  
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!! MY HIDEOUSLY CREEPY EYES!!!!!" the thing screamed as it fell to the floor and started spasming. The girl sweatdropped.  
  
"Weeeeiiiiirrrrddddd..."  
  
She walked over to the fireplace to try and light it. The very second the lighter touched the wood the whole fireplace exploded in flames. One ember fell on Claire's foot; she started stomping it on the ground, trying to put it out.  
  
"Ack!" Claire yelled, she ran over to a sink, filled a glass with water, and dumped it on her shoe. "Stupid flames of death!" she walked over to the fireplace and started warming her hands up. "Fire waaaarrrrrmmmmmmmm...=^.^="  
  
Surprisingly, there really wasn't anything useful in the room besides some bowgun arrows, but she already had 100,000+ of those.  
  
She walked back into the main room and up the stairs; all the bats cowered in fear in the dark corners of the room, trying to avoid the light. Our heroine walked to the balcony area thingy and starred at the GIANT doll hanging in the room. It was holding its head in its hands.  
  
"Ewwww..."  
  
She picked the first aid spray off of the table, and the box of handgun bullets off of the floor. Wondering who would leave them here, she walked through the other cushioned door.  
  
Turn the volume up! This is an 'important' scene!  
  
"What's taking so long brotha? Our enemy is only a litta gurl." A female voice said with a rich accent, Claire crouched down and looked through the window in the wall. Alexia Ashford stood on the other end of the window, in a bedroom. The biker girl suddenly groaned and got a sticky feeling in her pants. She ran up and put her back to the wall, then looked down her jeans.  
  
"O_O Holy SHIT! You really DO orgasm when you see Alexia Ashford!" she said, she took some of the toilet paper she got from the palace and stuffed it down her pants. "Ick..."  
  
"I'm sorry Alexia, but I SHALL defeat her. Because I AM ALFRED ASHFORD! Mmyes!" she heard Alfred's gay and annoying voice say, being instantly turned off.  
  
"DO NOT WORRY brotha, once you defeat her the GLORY of thy ASHFORD family will be...uh...back." Alexia said with a giggle, Claire raised an eyebrow and looked at the girls face in the window. The blonde female looked directly at her, Claire's eyes widened and she jumped two feet and onto the floor. "Who's there!?"  
  
"Ooof!"  
  
"Is someone in the core-i-door!?" Alexia asked, Claire ran and hid around the corner. Alexia put her hands against the window and looked down the corridor.  
  
The suspense...  
  
"Mmwhat is it Alexia?" Alfred's voice asked.  
  
"N-nothing..." the blonde girl said as she got an extremely paranoid look on her face. "Immust be seeing things, I could of sworn I saw a dark haired biker girl named Claire Redfield wearing a vest that says 'Let Me Live' on the back and stuffing toilet paper down her panties."  
  
"You need your medication?"  
  
"No, I'm fine. Mmlet's go dear brotha. If we had a list of things we had time wouldn't be one of them." She said. Claire heard the sound of a heavy door open and close, then looked forward.  
  
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod..." she muttered. "BOTH of the Ashford twins are here...then that means..."  
  
Claire's face turned white.  
  
"There are TWO rich blonde people on this island..." she looked at the ceiling. "Dear god someone help me..."  
  
Turning to the left, she opened the gray door, revealing a small, comfortable bedroom. Shelfs were lined along the walls; a few incredibly small desks were in several corners. Claire saw her own reflection staring back at her in the partially broken mirror in the corner of the room. They were gone, the Ashford theme played on a music box, which stood on the opposite side of the room from the bed.  
  
"I wonder where they went..."  
  
The mural of a female smoking pot with the words 'SECRET DOOR' written above it didn't make it obvious enough for our heroine. She looked at the big cabinet next to the door; it had all kinds of pictures of the Ashford Twins.  
  
The first one was a cute picture of Alfred and Alexia when they were both 10. Alfred was blowing a kiss at the camera while Alexia was making a peace sign with her hands. While a bit strange, it was still cute.  
  
"Awwww..."  
  
The second picture showed the Ashford twins when they were 11. Alfred was wearing Alexia's dress while poshing in the mirror and Alexia was wearing his military suit while saluting. Claire sweatdropped and walked over to the next photo.  
  
"O.o Eheheh..."  
  
The last photograph on that row was a photo of the twins when they were 12. Alfred was strapped to a chair, butt naked, while a white arsed Alexia was sitting above him and-  
  
"EWWWWWWW!!!!!!" Claire screamed and covered her eyes. "THERE IS NO GOD!!" she hit herself in the face with the butt of her handgun and passed out.  
  
Later...  
  
"Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh Leeeeoooooonnnnn..." she muttered in her sleep, she shook her head and looked at the religious painting on the ceiling. "Ouuch..." she slowly got up, the Alexia Ashford tune played on the music box. After rubbing her forehead, she walked over to the box.  
  
"Hmmm...this tune is pretty relaxing,..." she said. "I'd better close the music box!!!!!!!" she closed the box and a click was heard, she tried to open it again but it was locked. "Aww nutbunnys!"  
  
There was a hole shaped like the queen beetle jewel, Claire pulled it out of her pocket and placed it in the box. The box opened once again and the tune restarted. The big metal...thing covering the bed behind her suddenly lifted off the bed, showing a comfy bed. There was a Silver Key on it. She walked up to it and picked it up.  
  
"Silver Key. Take it? Yes-No? Of course damnit!" she stuck the key down her breast. The metal...thingy SLAMMED down on the bed, causing Claire jump out of her socks. "ACK! ;_; That scurred meeeh!" She snuffed up tears, turned around, pulled the music box plate out of the music box, just for the hell of it, and put it in her pocket somehow.  
  
"Well...I think I've crammed enough up my pants for right now. ^^;" She said to herself. "Now...BACK TO THE PALACE I GOOOOOO!!!!!" she turned and ran back to the palace. 


	7. Chris's Big Adventure!

Here's the next chappy! ^_^ I'm glad you guys like this fic so far! Sorry if I overdid the cussing and stuff, this fic IS rated M...then again I'm only 13 anyway, XD! I don't cuss in real life actually...ever. ^^;; But that's not important! Hope ya like this new chappy!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sir, your tickets please?" the sexy train attendant lady who we shall call The Sexy Train Attendant Lady said as she walked over to the seat Chris was sitting in.  
  
"Wha?" Chris asked as he woke up.  
  
"Tickets?"  
  
'Oh crap...' Chris thought, he looked at the floor then at The Sexy Train Attendant Lady. "I don't need tickets, but I think you need a ticket...to pleasure...?" Chris raised an eyebrow in a VERY bad attempt to be seductive.  
  
"O_o;;"  
  
Later...  
  
The Sexy Train Attendant Lady opened the side door of the train and threw Chris out. The Redfield brother flew across the open field and started rolling across the ground. "OUCH!"  
  
"Thank you for riding Lesbo Express, next time BUY TICKETS YOU FRIGGIN DUMBASS!!!!" The Sexy Train Attendant Lady shouted as she turned around and closed the door behind her.  
  
"Screw you!" Chris yelled back. The train rode off into the distance. "Darn it...now how am I gonna get to Rockfort Island?" he looked around to see he was in the middle of the desert. "Aw crapola..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"(pant, pant) I hate backtracking." Claire said as she stopped back at the palace with her new shiny silver key. She had already placed all the crap except the M-100Ps, handgun, and handgun ammo in the item box, and had also took a First Aid Spray with her just in case.  
  
A soft click was heard as the girl slid the Silver Key into the door on the opposite end of the palace 2nd floor and turned it. Grasping onto the handle, she pushed it open to reveal a lounge room thingy! There was a few slot machines, a bar, a piano, a-  
  
"Ooooo! Piano!" Claire yelled as she ran up to it. "I always wanted to play one of these!" she started smashing the keys with her hands, creating a loud, off key tune that seemed to echo out throughout the Palace. Claire just about as good with the piano as Chris is...and that's pretty bad.  
  
"Aww GOSH DARN IT!!!!" Claire yelled. "Where's Officer Becky when ya need her? Oh well...I bet if I put a piano roll in here it'd unlock a secret door or something...nah."  
  
She walked up to the slot machines, put a quarter in, and pulled the lever. She got two sevens and a nazi sign. A loud beep was made.  
  
"Awww come on!" she put another quarter in and pulled it. She got a lemon, a peach, and a 'Screw You' sign. It beeped again. "Arrgggg...okay ONE MORE." She put her third quarter in and pulled the lever. She got a cherry, a 7, and a lemon. Two quarters fell out. "Yay!" she grabbed them and put them in the slot machine. "Okey just one more..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Dear god she's gonna be doing this forever..." Jill said.  
  
"She's got the gambling virus." Said Barry. "It's too late for her..."  
  
Sherry and Rebecca started crying, everyone sweatdropped.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay, just four more times! Yeah!" Claire put the quarter in and pulled the lever. She continued doing this for about an hour...  
  
One hour later...  
  
";_; My money..." Claire said sadly. "I LOST! I LOST ALL 7 OF MY QUARTERS! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
A scream, oh such a horrible scream pierced the silence and echoed throughout the whole island. A scream of sorrow, a scream of anger, a scream of...a 19 year old biker chick crying because she lost her money to a slot machine.  
  
"^_^ Okey I feel better now!" she picked up the two green herbs and walked out. A soft patting noise was made as she ran down the stairs and into the hallway that led to the painting room and the Gold Luger room. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a strange looking midget standing in the middle of the hallway. He was wearing a white tank top and black shorts, two small fairy wings were connected to his back, silently fluttering as he was seemingly dragging a dead body of a zombie across the floor.  
  
"WHO IN HE HELL ARE YOU!!!???" Claire's flesh piecing scream broke the silence, causing the man to jump and scream.  
  
"AAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!" He turned and looked at her with scared, frightened, innocent eyes. "O_O Y-you can see me?"  
  
"Like, yeah!" Claire replied as she raised an eyebrow. "Who are you? And what are you doing here?"  
  
The man stood up straight and saluted. "Bob! Bob the Magical Fairy! Plot hole filling business!"  
  
"O_o Wha?"  
  
"I make sure that everything's nice and clean here, and make sure everything stays out of human logic."  
  
Claire gasped. "So YOU'RE the one that's been dragging the zombie's bodies away while I'm not looking!"  
  
Bob sweatdropped. "Y-yeah. I also transport the other characters into the locked rooms, place boxes of ammo randomly around the place, and other crap like that."  
  
"AHA!" Claire yelled. "...wow you must be working hard!"  
  
"Yeah, I am." Bob said with a benign smile. "But it's all in a hard days work! Another day another quarter!"  
  
"Yeah...right..."  
  
"Anyway, I gotta go!" Bob yelled nervously.  
  
"Hey wait a m-" Bob disappeared in a flash before the girl could finish. "Damnit! How come EVERYONE always runs away from me!? Arg!" with a sigh, she turned and faced the double doors next to her.  
  
"Use the Silver Key? Yes-No? YES STUPIDHEAD!!" she yelled as she slid the key into the hole, turned, and heard a click. The door opened. "Yay! Now I've gone in every room in the palace! XD" she walked into the new room and almost screamed when she saw two Bandersnatches in the meeting room. "Ahhhhhhhh!" okey, she DID scream.  
  
"Roar! Muaha!" the Bandersnatches both extended their arms across the room and bitch slapped the poor girl in the face. She flew into the wall. "Ouch! ;_;"  
  
SLAP!  
  
"Ow!"  
  
GRAB!  
  
"O_o Grab? I mean...aaahhhh!" she cried as the things long pulsating arm grabbed onto her head and lifted her into the air. She started screaming again, the flesh piercing scream cause the monster to let her go and cover its ears in agony.  
  
"AAHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP!!!" she screamed. Claire shook her head, pulled out the M-100Ps, and opened fire.  
  
"DIIIIIEEE!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
"AACCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!" the Bandersnatches both fell to the floor, dead.  
  
"W00T! I kick ass!" Claire did the boogie and then regained her classic RE robotic posture. "AHEM! NOW TO CHECK THE ROOOOOOM!"  
  
She clutched her shoulder, she had entered caution. After an annoyed groan she walked around the room. There was a paper on the desk, she picked it up. The words 'HUNK'S REPORT' were written on the front page.  
  
"Wait a sec! Hunk's that guy that escaped from the sewers with the G- Virus!" Claire said. "And I shouldn't know that..." she got a stupid grin on her face and started to read.  
  
'Attn: Mr. Alfred Ashford, head of facility.  
  
Today at 53:66 I arrived successfully at the Umbrella Transport Base with the bigass B.O.W. capsule. Extreme care was taking during transport, and all 123,461,007 check in posts were confirmed condition green, for go. It was a bitch to do, I mean, why do we have to drive all the way to Asia before we could go to Antarctica!? Either way, it is currently being stored in a bigass freezer. We are normally assigned to special missions. But why were we ordered to transport a friggin frozen capsule!? I understand that you might rape and torture me for asking this, but I NEEEED to know! I mean...damn, I wanted to fight someone or something! Like that one time you made me kung fu right with that chick from Eternal Darkness!  
  
I know it's 'top-secret', but without knowledge of its contents....uh...our...SAFETY could be at risk during the transport! Yeah! That's it! This is especially important if the contents are potianticalniously harmful. We would like to ask you to provide us with more info-ma-tion, since we be assigned to similar missions in the future? I mean, come on, it's not like it's your naked sister who faked her own death frozen in a capsule.  
  
I still remember the good old days in the Military Training Center. Nothing has changed since then...right? Please dear god let it be the same! We shall gear up for the next mission today at...um...23:00? I think that's right...  
  
Umbrella Special Forces Unit/Skinny White Guy With A Gun.  
  
HUNK'  
  
"Kewl!" Claire said, she put the file in her personal library and looked at the floor to see another Eagle Plate! "Wow...another one..." with a yawn, she picked it up and shoved it down her pocket.  
  
"Looks like I'll have to go back to the Prison to use this..." She said as she pulled out the plate and the medicine for Rodrigo. "Damnit I HATE backtracking!"  
  
With a sigh, she got up and started jogging back to the prison.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So...thirsty..." Chris muttered as he slowly crawled across the desert.  
  
"Chriiiiiisssssssss..." a dark voice yelled. Chris looked ahead to see three stone towers around each other creating a portal. "Chrrrrriiiiiissssss..."  
  
"Oooo...portal..." he started crawling towards it. "Wait a sec; I've played Eternal Darkness. NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING THERE!"  
  
"Damnit!" the dark evil voice yelled. Chris turned around and started crawling the other direction.  
  
Later...  
  
The ALREADY dehydrated man looked ahead and spotted something only about 20 meters away. It looked like a military base. "Whoa..." he walked up to the fence and saw a soldier standing near the gate. "Hey, where am I?"  
  
"AREA 51!!!!!! SIR!!!!" the soldier screamed at the top of his lungs, causing Chris to jump.  
  
"Area 51!? Holy crap!" Chris looked at the base. "Where's the nearest town? Do you know?"  
  
"I CANT TELL YOU!!!!!! SIR!!!!!!!!"  
  
Chris jumped and covered his ears. "W-why!?"  
  
"WE CANNOT GIVE AWAY THE LOCATION OF AREA 51!!!!!!!! SIR!!!!!"  
  
"Ouch!" Chris covered his ears again. "Do you have to scream?"  
  
"SIR YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Chris raised an eyebrow and looked at the sign next to the solider. It was a drawing of the U.S. There was an arrow pointing to the middle of Texas with the words 'You Are Not Here' written. Chris sweatdropped.  
  
"Pleeeaaaaseeeeeee tell me!" the S.T.A.R.S. member whined. "I neeeed to know where I am! ;_;"  
  
"I WILL NOT TAKE THAT ORDER!!!!!!!!!! SIR!!!!!!!!"  
  
Chris's face suddenly turned red and his eyes started to bulge. "LISTEN PUNK!!!!! I'VE SPENT THREE YEARS IN THE AIR FORCE AND I HAVE THE AUTHORITE' AND THE POWER TO KICK YOUR PUNK WHITE ASS!!!! BITCH!!!!!! TELL ME THE LOCATION OR I WILL PERSONALLY CALL MY AIR FORCE BUDDIES TO FLY BY AND SHOOT DOWN YOUR BLOODY ARSE!!!! NOW TELL ME, SOLDIER!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The soldier's legs started shaking and his eyes started watering. He saluted. "PERMISSION TO CRY!!!!! SIR!!!!!"  
  
"PERMISSION GRANTED!!!!!!" Chris screamed. The soldier started crying.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! SIR!!!!!!"  
  
"NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 20!!!!!!" the soldier dropped to the floor and started doing pushups. "^_^ Man I miss those Air Force days..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire stopped at the prison gates and tried to catch her breath. "Maaan...that was a nice jog..."  
  
After catching her breath, she hopped the gate again, crawling over and falling off of the other side. "Oof!"  
  
"Ooooohhhhh..." Claire looked ahead to see a few zombies were now in the yard. The zombies looked at her and their eyes widened. "AAAHHHHHHH!!!! IT'S HER AGAIN!!!!!!"  
  
All the zombies turned around and ran away screaming, Claire sweatdropped and got up. "Icky mud. Okey, now to give this medicine to Rodrigo, because it's the NICE thing to do! ^_^" she walked through the door to the graveyard and saw all the butt naked Graveyard Zombies. A swing of the knife took care of THEM though. ^_^  
  
"Boom baby!" Claire yelled with a grin as she started walking to Rodrigo's Cell. "Hmmm...I wonder what Chris is doing right now..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chris walked up to a general and saluted, the General Saluted back.  
  
"CHRIS REDFIELD! SIR!!" Chris screamed, the General sweatdropped.  
  
"Uh...General Carvil. Who are you? A Marine?"  
  
"AIR FORCE SIR!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"O_o;; Oh I know you, I heard about ya, you're Chris Redfield. You got kicked out of the Air Force for pissing in that guys coffee, right?"  
  
Chris sweatdropped. 'Oh crap...' he thought. "Um...I THINK YOU HEARD ME WRONG SIR! I SAID MY NAME'S BILLY COEN!!!!!!! MARINES!!!!! SIR!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh..." he said. "Wait a second, weren't you arrested for killing 23 people?"  
  
"....DAMNIT!" Chris screamed. "I mean, my names...JILL VALENTINE!!! HOT CHICK FROM RESIDENT EVIL ONE AND THREE!!!!!! SIR!!!!!!"  
  
"O_o;;;" All the soldiers in the entire base looked at him.  
  
"....can I see the aliens now? ^^;;" Chris asked as he scratched the back of his head.  
  
"Shoot him." General Carvil said calmly, Chris's eyes widened as everyone started shooting at him.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!" Chris started running, somehow dodging all the bullets, and jumped into a randomly placed jet. "MUAHAHAHA! You can't get me now!"  
  
"HE'S IN A JET!!!!! SIR!!!!!"  
  
"Yes I know, I know." Carvil said. "Okey Jill. Calm down. We wont hurt you if you come out of the jet."  
  
"NEVAAAAHH!!" Chris screamed. "See ya! MUAHAHAHA!" He turned the jet on and pressed a bunch of buttons, it didn't move. "O_o What!?"  
  
"OH YEAH!!! NO FUEL IS IN THE JET!!! SIR!!!" a soldier yelled. Chris fell over.  
  
"Get him!" Carvil yelled. Everyone started shooting at him. Chris's eyes widened and everything went negative. He could hear his heart beating and two sentences appeared in front of him.  
  
'Hide in the jet'  
  
'Eject'  
  
"Kewl! I'm all negative! ^_^" Chris said as he looked at his negative arms. He sweatdropped when a bullet flew passed him in slow motion. "Ahhh! Okey, okey, what do I choose!?" He looked at both choices, the second sounded better. Everything went back to normal colors and he smashed his fist into the Eject Button. He and his seat shot WAYYYY up and into the clouds. "AHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
All the people at the base sweatdropped.  
  
"HOLY CRAP!!!! SIR!!!!!" a soldier yelled. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE JUST DID!!!!????? SIR!!!!!!!??????"  
  
"Premature Ejection..." Carvil muttered. Everyone looked at the floor and sad music played.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire stepped down the dark hallway, her lighter illuminating the whole hall for her to see. She was back in the basement of the prison, going back to where this whole journey started. She walked through the door into the cell room and saw Rodrigo still hunched over in the chair, looking dead.  
  
She walked up to his desk; he suddenly jumped up and aimed his gun at her.  
  
"W-what are you doing here!?" he asked. "I thought I told you to go..."  
  
"I brought this, for you." Claire held up the medicine capsule. "Here, homosexual medicine."  
  
"Homeostatic" Rodrigo corrected her.  
  
"Same thing. ^^;" She said.  
  
"Homeostatic Medicine...how kind of you." He said.  
  
"HOW KIND OF ME!?" Claire asked/screamed. "I JUST WENT THROUGH A LOT OF HELL TO GET THIS FOR YOU AND THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Claire fell over.  
  
"I told you to go..." he said, he covered his face with his hand and shook his head. "Sigh, white girls. They never listen..." he started to try and open the capsule.  
  
"Let me help you with that..." Claire said.  
  
"No! I can do it myself!" he said as he tried with all his might to open the capsule.  
  
"LET ME HELP DAMNIT!!!!!" Claire screamed, Rodrigo sweatdropped and gave her the capsule. Her veins showed in her muscles as she slowly pulled the cap off and gave him the medicine. "^_^ There."  
  
"Thanks." Rodrigo said, he put the capsule to his mouth, swallowed 14 pills, and took a sip of beer. Claire sweatdropped.  
  
"Isn't that dangerous?"  
  
"Nah, I'm used to it.," he said. "And getting shot hurts like a bitch."  
  
"I guess...." Claire said as she put the lighter on the table. "Here, my brother gave it to me as a birthday present. I wont need it anymore."  
  
"O_o;; You're brother gave you a lighter for your birthday?"  
  
"^^;; Yeah." Claire said.  
  
Rodrigo sweatdropped. "And you're giving it to me?"  
  
"Yeah, I was trying to find a reason to sell it anyway." Claire said. "It's a kinda crappy lighter, I mean, the flame's 2-D.  
  
"Good point." The man said. "Thanks, here, it's all I can give you." He pulled a lock pick out of the desk and gave it to her.  
  
"O_o Weird how female RE characters *always* get a lock pick, eh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well...uh...thanks." Claire said.  
  
"You'd better get out of here while your still able."  
  
"Yeah I know I know." Claire rolled her eyes. "See ya dude. And if you see my brother, please don't tell him I gave you my B-day present from him."  
  
"Sure sure."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Claire turned and walked out the door.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
".........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! !!! OOF!!!!!!!!!!!" Chris yelled as he fell 50+ feet from the sky and landed on the desert floor in the jet seat. "Ouch! _"  
  
He slowly got off of the seat and looked around, he was in the middle of nowhere again. "Sigh, how am I gonna get out of here?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire placed the Eagle Plate in the door next to the guillotine, the blade came smashing down onto the hard wood next to her, she jumped and the door opened. Two zombies stood on the other end and horror music played.  
  
"AHHH!!! TWO ZOMBIES!!!!! TWO!!!!!!! MORE THAN ONE!!!!!!" Claire screamed, she pulled out the knife and slashed it. Both the zombie's heads exploded and she walked through with a stupid grin on her face.  
  
The next room was FULL of zombies, but of course, there was a CONVENIENTLY place barrel next to them, she aimed at the barrel and fired. The second the bullet touched it it exploded, sending the zombies flying every direction.  
  
"OWWWWW!!!!!!"  
  
"^^;; Sorry." Claire turned and walked through the door to her left.  
  
She was now in some sort of medical room. There was a body that had like a bazillion needles in it on a bed, and a first aid spray on the shelf. There was a little...uh...doorway that led to a disturbingly small office on the left wall, and a door in the back of the room.  
  
"Wow, a hospit-EEEEEEEEE!" Claire screamed as she saw a body on the bed COVERED in shots. "Ugh...I hate needles!"  
  
She walked over to the little office area thingy and read a random book on the desk.  
  
'Anatomist's Note  
  
There's a leprechaun in my mind. It tells me to burn things, and steal people's shoes. I can't control its fierce impulses that the leprechaun drives me to act upon. It is a brutal ceremony. With the leprechaun next to me, I enjoy watching Spongebob Square Pants and Dragon Tales, maybe Hamtaro every once in a while.....Oh yeah, I also enjoy long sunsets on the beach, stoplights that blink a lot, and watching people agonize in pain while screaming and convulsing repeatedly as they die. Why I am writing this, I have no friggin idea.  
  
But, Sir Alfy was kind enough to acknowledge me, and has given me the facilities, the chemicals, and the "equipment" (and no I don't mean THAT you sicko, you shouldn't be reading my diary anyway!) necessary to study EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I must never betray Sir Alfred's kindness. It is especially critical that no one discovers the sacred place that only he and I know about. In which, if you're not me and you're reading this, I screwed up big time.  
  
I swear. Shit. See? I sweared. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHUHUHAWEEEE!!!!!  
  
Wait a sec, that's not what I meant to write. I swear the basement of this medical building will be kept secret. Of course, I keep the key to the sacred place with me at ALL times, and I mean *AT ALL* times. Even in the shower...not very comfortable...uh...anyway, even if an outsider sees it, they will never be able to tell that it is the key. I must remember that my life ends when I lose Sir Alfred's trust.  
  
P.S. THE KEY IS THE GLASS EYEBALL I HAVE IN MY POCKET!!!!!!'  
  
"Umbrella people scare meh!" Claire said as she put the book down and got in a thinking pose. "I wonder what the key is...if only I could get a hint..."  
  
Eyeing a body bag in the corner, the dark haired girl walked through the door. Little did she know that SOMETHING IN THE BODY BAG WAS MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Scaring you yet?  
  
Annoying door opening sequence...  
  
"Ewwwww!" Claire yelled. The whole room was a torture chamber, DRENCHED IN BLOOD!!!!!!!!! "Ew ew ew! It's like...a torture chamber, and its drenched in blood. Icky!"  
  
"Ooooohhhhhhh..."  
  
"Eh?" Claire turned and saw a zombie next to her; she turned around and saw a zombie ahead of her too. "Aw crap. Where's the AI controlled partner character when you need em?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Right here! ^_^" Billy, Rebecca, Ada, Sherry, and Carlos yelled as they raised their hand.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire shook her head and pulled out the handgun. "DIE DAMN YOU!!!!!" She screamed dramatically as she unloaded the clip into the zombie's chests. They each let out the SAME EXACT SOUNDING groan and fell to the floor. Corny looking animated blood spread in a pool around their rotting corpses as Claire casually stepped over them.  
  
This torture chamber made the one in RE0 look really lame, it was COVERED in blood, literally.  
  
"Bah, stupid blood." Claire said. "It's like...bloody!" she saw a brief case on a shelf. "Ooooooooooo! BRIEFCASE! MUST OPEN!!!!!!" she ran up to it and picked it up. "Wait a second, what the hell is this doing here? Oh well." She looked closely at the lock. "Open the briefcase? Yes-No? Yes. It's secured with a simple lock. Use the lock-pick? Yes damnit!" she pulled out the lock-pick and jammed it into the keyhole. The very second it touched the hole the case opened. Revealing a.... Duh duh duh DUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Handgun Parts!  
  
Claire pulled out some custom handgun parts, which conveniently were for the EXACT same handgun she had. "Kewlies! Now I can show Leon who's really got the kickass handgun!" using her great mechanical skills, she clipped the parts onto her handgun, creating a SUPER HANDGUN!!!! "Muahahaha! Time to kick some zombie arse!"  
  
She ran back to the door and put her face EXTREMELY close to the knob.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
OPENING DOOR SOUND!!!!!!!...  
  
Heartbeat.....  
  
Heartbeat....  
  
.......  
  
.......  
  
.......  
  
Claire hit herself in the chest.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
"That's better! ^_^" She walked through the door and raised and eyebrow when she heard a REALLY wet crunching sound. "Hmmm, I WONDER what's around the corner..."  
  
She turned around the corner and wasn't so horrified to see a doctor zombie munching on the body full of needles. It looked over to her and grinned.  
  
"OooooohhhhhhGUUUUUUUUhhhhhhhGLUGGLUGGLUG!!!!" it screamed. Claire sweatdropped, the zombie started RUNNING towards her!  
  
"O_O EVIL RUNNING DOCTOR ZOMBIES OF DOOOOOM!!!!!" Claire screamed, before she could even pull out the custom handgun, the zombie grabbed onto her and bit onto her arm. "Ouch! That...kinda hurts!" she pushed the zombie and held her stomach like she was in danger. "O_O;; Oh shit..." she instantly pulled out the handgun. "DIE DEMONS!!!!!!" she started firing the semi- automatic weapon like crazy. Bullets pieced and dug into the zombie's weak flesh, causing it to fall to the floor, spasm, and finally die. "YAY!"  
  
Claire looked ahead to see the zombie that was on the bed was walking towards her, she sighed and casually shot the poor thing in the head. "^_^ This handguns neat!" she stuck another clip up the weird...metal rod...thingy and reloaded the gun. "Ouch...my body hurts! ;_;"  
  
Claire pulled a first aid spray out of her pocket. "Okay...how does this work again?"  
  
She pressed down on the cap and a small spray...sprayed on her.  
  
Sssssssssss...  
  
She sprayed it on her arms.  
  
Sssssssssss.....  
  
She sprayed it on her legs...  
  
Sssssssssss....  
  
She sprayed it on her bellybutton, giggling the whole time.  
  
Sssssssssss....  
  
She sprayed it in her hair, like hair spray! XD  
  
Sssssssssss....  
  
She started spraying it in the air like air freshener, slowly going from Danger to Fine. "This is taking too long...ugh..."  
  
Sssssssssssssssss......  
  
10 minutes later....  
  
The can finally ran out, and she went back to Fine. "FINALLY! Sheesh, these are WAY less fun than mixed herbs! Ugh!"  
  
Turning around, she spotted something REEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY shiny in the doctor's pocket, so shiny that you could easily see it even when covered in cloth!  
  
She picked it up. "Ooooooo...A glass eyeball? Ewwwww!" She threw it up in the air and juggled it, trying to touch it as little as possible, as she ran to the butt ugly statue in the doc's office. She put the eyeball in the statue, and another 'oh so secret' door opened behind her. "Sheesh..."  
  
Annoying walking-down-stairs sequence...  
  
Step...  
  
Step...  
  
Step...  
  
Trip...  
  
Bam...  
  
Bang...  
  
BAM!  
  
BOOM!  
  
"OUCH!!!!"  
  
Got up and shook her head. "Stupid stairs! Too dark to see!" Not even seeming to realize she almost broke her neck, Claire continued to walk down the hallway until she heard bats. She darted her eyes around. "You think you can hurt me!? Well take THIS!" she pulled out the lock pick and held it in her hand, then realized it wasn't her lighter a little too late. "._. Oh crap..." She started running as fast as she could as the bats, oh the bats, chased her. She ran up to the door and took her precious time in opening it, somehow they didn't attack her and she ran through.  
  
"Ack! Not another torture chamber!" She cried as she looked around another torture chamber, it was pretty neat and fancy, but covered in blood and objects of torture, of course. There was a comfy couch in the middle of the room with a fancy desk with a glass of wine in it. Zombies littered the room. Claire's eyes widened. "O_o This is one FUCKED up corporation!" she walked up to the wine glass and drank all the wine in it, throwing it to the floor after that. "Leaving a full glass of perfectly good wine here like this...sick I tell ya!"  
  
"Um...oooooohhhhhhhhhhhh......" Claire sighed and shot all the zombies in the room with her kewl new handgun. She then turned and walked down the stairs in the corner of the room, all the way down to the basements basements basement. She walked through the door and into a strange room with a bunch of statues on it.  
  
The biker girl didn't even bother to look around for traps or anything, when she spotted a shiny sword that was in the hands of a statue, she squealed with excitement. "Ooo! A swoooorrdddddd!" She grinned and grabbed the sword, she immediately swung it around. "I could be like that chick from Eternal Darkness! Schweet!"  
  
Clink!  
  
"Wha oh..." Claire turned around to see the statues arm had moved, the statue behind her raised a few feet above the ground and the room started filling with poisonous gas. "....ah crapola! I shoulda saw this coming! -- ;;" Claire turned around, panicking immediately. "AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!!!!??????"  
  
She looked at the statue behind her and looked to see a bar sticking out that wasn't there before. There was a sign posted in the middle of the floor which said...  
  
'Listen stupidass! PUSH THE LEVER THINGY SO THE STATUE TURNS AROUND! DO IT! NOW!!!!!!! YOU FRIGGIN MORON!!!!!!'  
  
Ten seconds after reading the sign, it finally hit her and she jumped. Pushing the statue all the way around, the gas turned off. "YAY! That was easy! ^_^;;"  
  
The statue once holding the sword spun around to reveal a closed iron maiden. A slit was in the middle.  
  
"...................damnit! I wanted to keep the kewl sword! ;_;" Claire said. With a sigh, she slid the sword into the slit, then started pumping it in and out and in and out by instinct. After doing this ten times she realized what she was doing, stopped, and left the blade there. A soft click was heard.  
  
BAM!  
  
"OUCH!" Claire cried as the iron maiden swung open and hit her in the face. She fell to the floor and looked up to see a zombie standing there.  
  
"ARE YOU THE ONE WHO STABBED ME WITH THIS!?" The extremely pissed off zombie asked as he pointed at the sword, which was now in his back.  
  
"Um..............yes...."  
  
"I SHALL EAT THEE!!!!" the zombie screamed as it literally jumped. Claire rolled out of the way and it landed face first on the floor, breaking its head off immediately. "Damnit!"  
  
"^^;; Sorry..." Claire looked and saw a piano roll lying at the bottom of the iron maiden. "O_o What the fuck is that doing all the way down here!? Oh well..." she picked it up. "Piano Roll. Take it? Yes-No? Yes." She shoved it down her pants and turned. "Great, now I have to walk ALL THE WAY BACK to the palace. Ugh..." she sighed and ran out the door. "This BETTER be over soon!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Tired...thirsty...need...water..." Chris said as his dried up tongue hangeded out of his mouth. He fell to the sandy floor of the desert. "Waaaaatttteeeeerrrrrr..."  
  
"Chrrriiiiiiissssss..." a feminine voice said. Chris plucked his head out of the sand and looked ahead to see Jill Valentine wearing her alternate outfit, the military uniform, from RE1. Her hands were on her hips and she had about 6 bottles of water tied around her belt.  
  
"Jill..." Chris said, dazed.  
  
"Come on Chris, don't ya wanna 'drink'...?" Jill got a grin on her face and slapped her ass. If Chris had any water left in his body, he would of sweatdropped.  
  
"YES!!!!!" Chris jumped up like a Crimson Head and ran towards Jill at a bazillion miles and hour; a crazed look was on his face. "Jiiilllllyyyy! ^_^" He jumped up in the air, but instead of landing in Jill's arms he landed headfirst into sand. "Oof!"  
  
Groaning loudly, the black haired man slowly got up and groaned. "Stupid mirage! ARG!!!!" he ran around, kicking sand everywhere. "STUPID DESERT!! AARRRGGG!!!!!!"  
  
Vroom! Vroom!  
  
Chris stopped dead in his tracks and turned around, it sounded like a motorbike. "Claire!?" he looked ahead to see a road, one of those old country roads that seemed to lead forward forever. "Yay!" he ran up the road and saw a motorbike was about a quarter of a mile away, making a loud vroom sound.  
  
'Okey Christopher, remember the rules of hitch hiking. Don't stop unless it's a hot chick, Claire, or someone with lots of money.......wait, that's when I'M driving...' Nervously, the guy raised his thumb up. Surely enough, the motorbike stopped when it got up to him! 'Yay!'  
  
"Where ya goin?" a female voice said. He looked at the biker; she pulled her helmet off to reveal a tall, pretty, blonde woman with blue eyes. She was wearing a red and blue biker uniform.  
  
"Wow..."  
  
"What?" the biker asked.  
  
"Um...nothing. I'm going to Rockfort Island."  
  
"Rockfort Island?" the female biker asked. "Never heard of it."  
  
"It's like Hawaii, but near South America, in the Atlantic Ocean, and filled with zombies and monsters." Chris said with a stupid grin.  
  
"Oooooooaaaaaahhhhhh!" The biker said. "Um...well, I could get ya to a harbor near the island, how about that?" She biker pulled out an extra helmet and tossed it at him. Unfortunately Chris cant catch, and the thing hit him in the head. "Oo...are you okay?  
  
"I'm fine!" Chris's dizzy voice said as he passed out.  
  
Later...  
  
Chris's eyes opened and he was shocked to see the girl was passionately kissing him, he grinned and slipped her some tongue; she spit in his mouth and jumped up.  
  
"Eww!" she yelled. "You're not supposed to do that when given mouth to mouth!"  
  
"Oh.....^^;; Sorry."  
  
The blonde girl sighed. "It's okey. My bad, I thought you could catch it. Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah." Chris said as he shook his head and got up. "My mommy dropped me on my head a lot when I was a baby, I'm used to it."  
  
The girl sweatdropped. "Um...right. Anyway, you still want the ride?"  
  
"Yeah, thanks!" Chris said as he tried to put the helmet on.  
  
"Good, you can ride behind me." she said as she put the helmet on and got up. "And DON'T get any funny ideas, I know karate and I've got 18 gallons of pepper spray."  
  
"Roger!"  
  
The girl sat on her bike and turned around to see Chris put the helmet on backwards.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!! I'M BLIND!!!!!" Chris screamed. The girl sighed, walked up to him, and spun the helmet around. "Oh...nevermind! ^^;;"  
  
"Let's go." She said as she walked over to her bike and got on. Chris ran up to the bike and hopped on too. "What's your name?"  
  
"Chris." He said. "Yours?"  
  
"Elza." The girl said. "Elza Walker."  
  
"Nice name..." he said.  
  
"TIME TO BURN RUBBER BABY!!!!!" Elza screamed as she started up the bike, before Chris knew it they were already going 700 MPH and zooming down the road. 


	8. HE RETURNS! AAAAHHHH!

He'res the next chappy! ^_^ Hope you like!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Well I'mma-FRAID of CHANGIIIIIIN cause I...BUIILLD MY LIIIFE...around you..." Chris sang along with the Dixie Chix song that played on the radio. Elza's eyes began to twitch. "Though.......duh duh DUUUUH DUUUUUH! CHILDREN GET OLLDER!! I'MMM GETTING OLDER...too!"  
  
"OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!" she screamed as she hit the off button on the radio.  
  
"Well MAYBEEEE-hey!"  
  
"Listen, we're gonna listen to the music I want to listen to. Not those stupid Chixie Dix."  
  
"Dixie Chix."  
  
"WHATEVER!" she yelled. "MY motorbike, MY radio. Got it?"  
  
Chris sighed. "Yes maaaaa'aaaammmm..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Of to the palace I go-oh-ho! Jill Valentine is a ho-oh-ho! All the RE characters run slow-oh-ho!" Claire sang as she walked to the palace, making up the words as she went along. She had already picked up all the items from the security boxes in the prison and put them in the item box, and now she felt about ready to reach that gosh darned palace, hopefully for the last time.  
  
When she reached the side bridge thingy that led to the courtyard, two long yellowish hands grasped onto the sidebar and up came two Bandersnatches. "AH!!!!!"  
  
"BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
"KAWASAKI!!!!" Claire screamed as she jump kicked both of them at the same time, they both flew off the edge and into the bottomless pit below. "^_^;; That was easy!" Claire turned and walked through the gate.  
  
-Scene that is only in the PS2 version of RECV because Capcom just likes to piss people off, Dreamcast fans like me in this case-  
  
The girl's eyes widened in surprise as she saw a man wearing a really gay black military outfit standing in the middle of the courtyard.  
  
"Huh!? Who the hell are you!?" Claire asked quickly. The man turned around and she stared into a pair of extremely shiny 2-D sunglasses.  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
The man pushed his sunglasses forward a bit, trying to get a closer look at the girl. Brownish black hair, blue eyes, those oh so unique traits immediately told the man who it was.  
  
"...oh, a Redfield." The man said. "You must be Claire, are you not?"  
  
Claire glanced left and right. "Who? Me?"  
  
"Yes you."  
  
"Y-yeah, I'm Claire..." she said, then she realized the man had blonde hair and her eyes widened in horror. "MY DEAR GOD *ANOTHER* BLONDE PERSON WHO'S NAME STARTS WITH A!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she grabbed her head. "You're gonna try to kill me too, huh? Just like Annett and Alfred and Alexia..."  
  
"........" The man sighed. "Yeah, I can't lie."  
  
"W-why!? What do you want!? WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU!?"  
  
"Oh, let's say I'm a ghost, coming to haunt and annoy your older brother Chris."  
  
Claire gasped. "THERE ARE GHOSTS ON THIS ISLAND TOO!!!!????"  
  
The man sweatdropped. "No, I mean-"  
  
"DAMN UMBRELLA'S GONE TOO FAR!!!!"  
  
"Sigh, I was using a metaphor."  
  
".....................oh." Claire said.  
  
"Hehehehehehehe! I bet you're wondering how I know Chris!"  
  
"Actually, no I'm not. ^_^" the man fell over. "I just remembered you! You're Albert Wesker, right!?"  
  
"--;; Yes." Wesker said, he raised an eyebrow. "How do you know me!?"  
  
"^_^ Chris introduced me to you once, don't you remember?"  
  
".....please refresh my memory."  
  
Claire got a distant look on her face. "Well remember that time..."  
  
Wesker and Claire suddenly got all wavy and stuff as it showed a different scene.  
  
FLASHBACK THINGY!  
  
Shows a 23-year-old Chris, a 17-year-old Claire, and Wesker standing in the S.T.A.R.S. office.  
  
Chris: And this is my desk, I work here, and this is my computer, I write fanfics and look up pr0n here, and this is my...  
  
Claire: WOW CHRIS!!!  
  
Chris:*jumps* What!?  
  
Claire: YOUR JOB IS SOOOOOOOOO AMAZING! ^_^  
  
Chris: Uh...yeah. ^^:;  
  
Wesker: *walks in* Have you seen my contact lenses?  
  
Chris: Ah, Wesker, meet my younger sister, Claire.  
  
Claire: *waves* Hiya Mr. Whisker!  
  
Wesker: *cough* Wesker.  
  
Claire: Whatever.  
  
Wesker: Hello little girl.  
  
Claire: IT'S CLAIRE YOU EEFING STUPIDHEAD!!!!!  
  
Wesker: O_o;;;  
  
Chris: O_o;;;  
  
Claire: ^_^;;;  
  
Jill: *walks in* GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!  
  
Every Male In Raccoon City: GOOD MORNING JILL!!!!  
  
Chris: Ah, this is another member of S.T.A.R.S., Claire, meet Jill, Jill meet Claire.  
  
Claire & Jill: *look into each other's eyes for a long time*............................Hi. ^_^  
  
Chris: O_o Wha?  
  
Wesker: I really should be going. I have some.......erm.....business to do in the sewers of Raccoon City WHICH DO NOT LEAD TO AN UMBRELLA BASE!!!!!!!!!  
  
Chris, Claire, and Jill: ...Okay! ^_^  
  
Claire: Bai Mr. Whisper!  
  
Wesker: Wesker.  
  
Claire: Mr. Worker.  
  
Wesker: Wesker!  
  
Chris and Jill: *passionately making out in the corner*  
  
Claire: Mr. Weiner  
  
Wesker: WESKER!!!!!!  
  
Claire: Mr. W-  
  
Wesker: STOP! Just call me Al, okay?  
  
Claire: Okay Hal.  
  
Wesker: *falls over* Get. Out.  
  
UNFLASHBACK!!!!!!  
  
Back at the courtyard...  
  
"Oh yeah..." Wesker said. "Dang, you're hell of annoying!"  
  
"That's only when I'm hyper. ^_^;;" Claire said.  
  
Long pause.  
  
"Um..." Wesker looked around nervously.  
  
"........wait a sec! What do you know about Chris-ACK!!!" Claire screamed as she was suddenly lifted into the air. She looked down to stare at her own reflection in Wesker's dark sunglasses.  
  
"I DESPISE Chris!" He yelled angrily, Claire kicked him where it hurts, causing him to groan in agony and fall to the floor. The second the girl's feet touched the ground again; she kicked Wesker upside the face and back flipped. "OWWW!!!! YOU FRIGGIN KICKED ME!"  
  
"^_^ I kick baby!" Claire yelled as she started break dancing, Wesker sweatdropped.  
  
"O_o Y-you weren't supposed to do that..."  
  
"Screw Capcom and their plans to make me a bigger D.I.D. than Jill!" Claire yelled, she spun around in a twister like...spinning...thing, and when she stopped, she was wearing a karate outfit. "Time for me to kick your punk white ass!"  
  
"You think you can beat me!?" Wesker asked as he got in a fighting pose. Some action music started to play.  
  
"You bet your candy ass I am!" Claire replied.  
  
"Fine then, we fight to the death!!!!!" Wesker screamed.  
  
"O_O N-no! Not that!"  
  
Wesker sighed. "Okay okay, we fight till one of us says Uncle, okay?"  
  
"OKAY! ^_^"  
  
CLAIRE VS WESKER!!!!!  
  
ROUND ONE!!!!!!!!!  
  
"HIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" Claire screamed as she started running and jumped, doing a flying air kick.  
  
"O_o Hiya." Wesker waved. Then started running and did a flying air kick too.  
  
The both of them collided, causing a huge explosion that sent chunks of tile flooring everywhere. In a flash, Claire was standing next to the lamppost in the corner of the courtyard. She looked to her left and ducked, Wesker's left leg flew over her head and hit the lamp, causing it to break and bend downwards. Claire, with light speed, grabbed Wesker's leg and twisted it: Sending him spiraling into the floor.  
  
"OOF!"  
  
Claire turned and ran the other direction; Wesker got up and ran after her. She reached the door to the palace and ran UP THE DOOR, back flipping and landing behind him. Before she could hit him, he spun around and kicked her in the stomach; sending her flying into the floor in the middle of the courtyard. Wesker ran down to the foot of the steps and stared at her from across the room.  
  
"Hi-ya! You may know karate! But I know Kickass-White-Guy!!! I can beat your ass anyday!"  
  
"Oh yeah!?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Oh yeah!!??"  
  
"Yeah!!"  
  
"OH YEAH!!!??????"  
  
"YEAH!!!!!"  
  
Wesker suddenly started doing a bunch of karate moves, punching and kicking in the air, after doing this for about 20 seconds, he stopped, Claire eyes widened.  
  
"Haha!" Wesker yelled.  
  
Claire sighed, pulled out her handgun, and shot him in the leg.  
  
"OOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!" Wesker cried as he grabbed his leg, which had a fresh hole in it. "YOU FRIGGIN SHOT ME! YOU BITCH!"  
  
"^^;; Oops, slipped." Claire said.  
  
"Grrness!" Wesker said. "It no matter! I SHALL DEFEAT YOU!!!"  
  
In a flash, Wesker was in front of Claire, causing her to gasp in horror. He grabbed her by the collar and flung her over his shoulder. A loud BOOM noise was heard as she hit the ground behind him, he slowly turned around and laughed evilly.  
  
"Hmhmhmhmhm...HAHAHAHAHAHAH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" He was rudely interrupted as Claire kicked him in the nuts again, causing him to scream out into the air. He literally flew backwards and into the door on the opposite side of the court to the palace, falling to the floor and rolling around in agony.  
  
"Your nuts were unusually harder than Leon's, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? YOU SHOULDA PASSED OUT BY THAT!"  
  
Wesker slowly got up, seemingly unaffected by the hard kick and the bullet in his leg. "You will find out soon enough!"  
  
SMACK!  
  
Claire back flipped and landed stomach first on the floor as Wesker instantly ran up and right hooked her faster than the speed of light.  
  
"OUCH, DANG IT!!!" Claire screamed into the tile flooring. Wesker stepped on her back and laughed evilly again. She grabbed his leg and twisted it, sending him once again spinning and falling to the floor.  
  
"OW!!!!"  
  
Claire slowly got up, Wesker followed. "KAWASAKI!" She screamed as she hit him over the back of the neck with her fist, he fell to the floor and she clutched her fist in pain. "Damn, you're built like the terminator or something!"  
  
Wesker sweatdropped, Claire turned and ran towards the courtyard gate as Wesker quickly got up. She then spun around and fired both M-100P's at the man. Wesker did that famous Matrix move, bending backwards and ducking under the bullets path. Claire's eyes widened when she heard the guns click and two empty cartridges fell out and onto the floor.  
  
"Oh crap..."  
  
Wesker grinned and, at super sonic speed, shot towards her and bashed her over the head with his hand, she fell to the floor and cried out in pain. He put his foot on her back again and laughed.  
  
"Hmhmhmhmhm!!!" He continued his corny evil laugh.  
  
"Arg...you suck at evil laughs..." Claire muttered. Wesker stepped harder on his back.  
  
"What did you say!?"  
  
"Nothing sir!"  
  
"Nothing who!?"  
  
"Nothing sir Wesker man! _" Claire muffled voice said as he pushed her face hard into the tile.  
  
"Good..." Wesker said. "Now..."  
  
BEEP BEEP!  
  
"Damnit!" Wesker pulled out a cell phone and put it to his ear. "What the hell is it!? I'm busy!...yeah...mmmhmmm...no way...NO WAY!...like, no way!..."  
  
Claire sighed and tapped her hand on the floor as she annoyingly waited for him to finish his call.  
  
"Yeah, and I was like 'Nuh uh!' and he said 'Uh huh'...yes...no...maybe so..."  
  
"Would you hurry it up!?" Wesker pushed harder on his face, stuffing it closer into the ground. "Mmrrrrphhhh!"  
  
"Yeah, I know...WHAT!?...JEBUS FRIGGITY CHRIST!...why?....no...*sigh* okay." He turned the phone off and hopped off of Claire.  
  
"FINALLY!" Claire said as she spit plaster out of her mouth.  
  
"Claire, consider yourself VERY lucky!" He said. "I'm going to let you live...for a little longer..."  
  
Claire looked up and saw a red glow through his cracked sunglasses. Wesker looked up and jumped into the sky, seemingly going straight up into the clouds. She sweatdropped and got up. Brushing dirt and crap off of her, she realized she didn't get a single scratch, bruise, or even a hair out of place!  
  
"Dang..." she said. "Jeez...^^;; Aw well!" She looked up at the sky. "WE SHALL MEET AGAIN WESKER! AND THEN I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!!!!"  
  
She heard Wesker's distant voice in the sky.  
  
"Noooo yooouuu wooonnntt!'  
  
"Yes, I will." She whispered.  
  
"Whaaateeevvvveeerrrr!"  
  
Sighing, Claire turned and walked back up the steps, to the palace.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"........wow." Jill said as the whole RE cast gawked at the screen.  
  
"Dang," Carlos said. "Claire kicks friggin ass!"  
  
"No, not that..." Jill said. She grabbed her head. "AAAIIIIEEEEE!!!! WESKER'S ALIVE! WHAT IN THE FRIGGIN HELL!?"  
  
"Oy Jebus..." Rebecca said as she felt her forehead. "Billy, I feel..." before she could finish, she dramatically passed out in Billy's arms. He sweatdropped and looked at Jill.  
  
"Um....wha?"  
  
"Captain Wesker." Jill said. "He used to be the S.T.A.R.S. Team Leader, until that day oh so long ago..."  
  
"Ooo! Story Time!!!!!" Sherry said with glee as she sat next to Jill. "Tell us Ms. Valentine!"  
  
"Okay, okay." Jill said. "Gather around children!"  
  
The whole RE cast sat next to her on the floor as she pulled out a book titled 'The Book Of Resident Evil!!!!!!!!!' and started reading...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Elza and Chris were riding the motorbike into the sunset. They had turned off the radio a while ago, and now there was just a weird awkward silence going on.  
  
"So..." Elza said. "Why are you going to Rockfort Island anyway?"  
  
"I'm looking for someone..." Chris said, trying to act dramatic. "Someone important to me..."  
  
"Yeah, I am too..." Elza said. "I'm just kinda drifting, I lost my only chance at being world popular a few years ago. And since then, nothings been going right..."  
  
"Eh, well that sucks..." Chris said sadly.  
  
"Yeah...who's this important person?"  
  
"My sister."  
  
"Aw, how cute. What's she doing there?"  
  
"She was caught...she's in prison...I need to rescue her, she had reason..."  
  
"You're using a lot of dotdotdots."  
  
"I know.........."  
  
Elza smiled and looked back at Chris. "What's her name?"  
  
"Claire." Chris said.  
  
Elza's eyes widened and she jammed on the breaks, causing the bike to come to a skidding halt and almost throwing them both off. She took of her helmet and looked back at Chris, the man sweatdropped as he noticed her eyes were twitching.  
  
"D-did you say Claire!?" She asked. "Claire REDFIELD?"  
  
Chris raised an eyebrow. "Yeah..."  
  
The woman's blue eyes narrowed. "Get...out..."  
  
"What!?" Chris asked. "W-why!?"  
  
Elza grabbed his arms and literally threw him out of the bike and onto the road. The man rolled around and stared into the barrel of a gun. His eyes widened and he looked up to see the girl was breathing hard and her eyes were now bloodshot. Her blonde hair was bent out of place.  
  
"O_O Elza! Calm down..."  
  
"CALM!?" Elza screamed. "HOW THE HELL CAN I BE CALM!?"  
  
"W-what's wrong?"  
  
"HER!!!!!" Elza screamed again. "CLAIRE! IT'S ALL HER FAULT! THAT BITCH STOLE MY ROLE IN RESIDENT EVIL 2!!!!!! IF IT WASN'T FOR HER I'D BE WORLD POPULAR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh yeah, you're that chick that was in Resident Evil 1.5, weren't you?"  
  
"Exactly..." she replied as she cocked the gun. "And I was so close...but then SHE came in...she took everything from me, everything...but I won't give up, I can't let her win. They can't stop me. They can't stop...my last escape..."  
  
"O_o Okey Jill..." Chris said. Elza, her hands shaking, cocked the gun a second time. "O_o;;;"  
  
"I swear to god, I will kill her..."  
  
"Elza..."  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!" She screamed as she fired into the air. Chris sweatdropped and bit his lip. "Get up..."  
  
"O-"  
  
"SILENCE!!!!!!"  
  
Chris bit his lip harder and got up.  
  
"Get in the bike, we're going for a nice long ride."  
  
The man slowly put his helmet back on and sat on the bike, Elza hopped in too.  
  
"Try anything and I'll shoot the hell out of you. I'll let you live a little longer though...for now..."  
  
Chris sighed. The Redfield's had a history of pissing off blonde people, that's what his mom always used to say. And from the looks of it, she was right. Before he realized it, the bike was already moving across the roadway faster than the speed limit allowed.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Will Chris survive the wrath insane Elza Walker!? Will Claire ever escape the island!? And what's Wesker doing on Rockfort in the first place!? Stay tuned and find out on the next exciting chapter of RESIDENT EVIL CODE: VERONICA Y!!!!!!!! 


	9. EWWWWWW!

Here's the next chappy! ^^ I just had a buncha ideas for this fic! And Nemesis, ^^;; hate to tell ya, but I'm a boy. (Although, I don't blame you for mistaking me, I mean, Fanfiction.net is dominated by girls XD) So, ^^;; let's just be friends. XD Oh yeah, and all the 'Flashback' scenes will be in Script Form, and when a characters name is capitalized it means s/he is narrating. ^_^ Anyway, I hope you guys like this chappy!  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
JILL: July 23, 1998  
  
Some corny horror music on a pipe organ played as it showed Jill, Barry, and Wesker enter the mansion...  
  
JILL: We entered the mansion...  
  
See? Told ya.  
  
JILL: We were weak, conf00zled, and out of candy. Our rescue mission turned into a nightmare. Barry, Wesker and I made it into the mansion after we were attacked by a group of zombie dogs.  
  
Jill: DAMN THAT WAS SCARY!  
  
Barry: What is this place...?  
  
Wesker: A mansion.  
  
Jill and Barry: Oooooooaaaaahhhhh!  
  
-"Wasn't Chris there too?" Rebecca asked-  
  
JILL: Wait...yeah, he was!  
  
Barry: *disappears and Chris pops up in his place*  
  
Jill: Barry, where's Barry!?  
  
JILL:....wait a sec; Barry was there too, wasn't he? I'm confused. X_x I remember only three of us were there...  
  
They all heard gunshots!!!  
  
All: *hear gunshots and turn to the door*  
  
Wesker: What was that!?  
  
Barry: *pops up in Chris's place* Chris?  
  
Jill: No!  
  
JILL: Chris was sent in, I was left with Wesker.  
  
Wesker: *sticks a gun to Jill's head* Follow me!  
  
Jill: O.O Wesker!? What are you-  
  
Wesker: Shut up! Follow me into the nice pretty cell.  
  
Jill: *points dramatically* Traitor!!!!!  
  
Wesker: Whatever.  
  
Later...  
  
JILL: I was put in a cell...  
  
Shows Jill sitting in a cell in the basement.  
  
JILL:.....wait a sec, I was in the mansion! CHRIS was put in the cell!  
  
Jill disappears and Chris appears in her place.  
  
-"Wait a sec!" Becky said. "I met Chris in the mansion! That couldn't of happened!"-  
  
JILL: X_x I'm conf00zled again! Arg!  
  
Jill: *pops up back in the mansion foyer with Wesker and Barry*  
  
Wesker: *sweatdrop* How did that happen!?  
  
Barry: WHAT IS THIS PLACE!!!!??????  
  
Jill and Wesker: A MANSION!!!!!  
  
Barry: Oh...*hears gunshots again* MORE GUNSHOTS!!!!  
  
Jill: *gasp*  
  
Wesker: Chris?  
  
Jill: No!...again!  
  
Wesker: Jill, go and check it out again.  
  
Jill: *sigh* Okey, Barry, follow me.  
  
Barry: Why?  
  
Jill: BECAUSE I DAMN SAID SO!  
  
Barry: Okey okey! Calm down! *follows Jill into the next room*  
  
Jill and Barry: *walk through the door 3 different ways and enter the dinning room*  
  
Barry: What is this place!?  
  
Jill: A dinning room...  
  
Barry: Oh...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Jill, stop. You're messing everything up! All FOUR of you were in the foyer!" Rebecca yelled.  
  
"SHUT UP REBECCA!!!!! I KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED AND YOU DON'T SO NYAA!!!" Jill screamed as she got up.  
  
"LET ME TELL THE STORY! I CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE A SMART BRAIN AND I WENT TO COLLEGE SO I'M SMARTERER THAN YOU!" Rebecca yelled as she put up a loser sign.  
  
"Aw shut up you friggin turd!" Jill said. "I'm the best! ME! I'm hotter than you, and I can FIGHT UNLIKE YOU!!!!"  
  
Rebecca got up. "HEY! AT LEAST I DON'T FALL ON MY ASS EVERY TIME I'M SCARED!!!!"  
  
Carlos, Billy, Sherry, and all the others sighed.  
  
"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T GASP DRAMATICALLY WHENEVER I SEE SOMETHING MOVE!!!!"  
  
"WELL...uh..." Rebecca moved her arm to show her tattoo. "WELL I HAVE A TATTOO SO I'M COOLER THAN YOU!"  
  
"WELL!!!!" Jill pulled out her RE1 hat. "I HAVE A BETTER HAT!!!"  
  
"TATTOO!!!!!!!"  
  
"HAT!!!"  
  
"TATTOO!!!!!!"  
  
"HAT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Hey, can I tell the story?" Barry asked. Both girls looked at him, anger flaring in their eyes.  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Okey! ^^;;;;;;" Barry said.  
  
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed.  
  
"HAT!!!!!!!!!" Jill yelled.  
  
"T-A-T-T-O-O!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed as she grabbed Jill's arms and shook her violently.  
  
"H-A-T-E!!!!!" Jill screamed as she shoved Rebecca.  
  
"Hat's spelled H-A-T stupidhead!" Rebecca said. "TATTOO!!!!"  
  
"HAT!!!!!!!"  
  
"TATTOO!!!!"  
  
"HAT!!!!!!"  
  
This went on for a few hours...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chris sighed as he looked out across the large desert plain. The suns halfway down the horizon, and the whole place had a warm orangeish aura. He'd done nothing but sit around, hearing the annoying drone of the motorbike as various bugs of different shapes and sizes met their fate across his lightly colored skin. He could see the gun in the holster of Elza's belt, being a S.T.A.R.S. member; he was specially trained at doing kickass gun-grabbing moves. But he was afraid. Fear was the death bringer. Of all the monsters and zombies he'd encountered in the mansion incident not too long ago, insane blonde chicks brought more paralyzing fear shooting through his soul like an arrow..........of paralyzing fear!  
  
Besides, she said she has a few gallons of pepper spray-all girls seemed to- and he was pretty sure she wouldn't be afraid to use it.  
  
'Just grab the friggin gun and put it to her head, she wont be able to stop you and she'll be forced to surrender' the smart part of his brain told him.  
  
'No.' the other 98% of his brain told him.  
  
'Fair enough'  
  
He sighed again, not surprised when he felt a rather large fly...fly right down his throat.  
  
"Darn bugs..." he muttered as he gulped it down, the bug met its fate with all the others that flew down his stomach. They should have listened when their parents told them never to cross a country road, but they never listened. So they almost always met their sad fate against windshields, car bumpers, and Chris's throat. Once the wheels of justice began to turn, nothing could stop them...nothing...  
  
O_o Why the hell am I talking about bugs...?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A stupid grin formed on Claire's face as she finally placed the piano roll in the piano. The Ashford Tune started to slowly play on the piano, and she wasn't very surprised when for no friggin reason at all the slot machine case opened.  
  
"DANG WHY DO THEY RIG IT UP LIKE THAT!?" Claire screamed. "YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE PIANO TO GET THE MONEY OUT OF THE SLOT MACHINES!? DAMN THIS PLACE IS FRIGGIN MESSED UP I TELL YER!!!!"  
  
"We know!" all the zombies mumbled. Claire sweatdropped and looked at the open part of the slot machine. An incredibly shiny blue ant object was inside, similar to the red one that still rested in Alexia's music box.  
  
"O_o How the hell did someone cram THAT down the slot machine?" Shaking her head, she picked the item up and stored it in her incredibly large side pocket. "Well...*sigh* back to the residence of evil..."  
  
Later...  
  
The door swiftly (ooo...swiftness. ^^) closed behind Claire as she walked into the hall just outside the Ashford Twins bedrooms. She walked down the hall and entered what she guessed was Alfred's bedroom. She had taken the music box plate out of the Item Box, and also saved her progress while she was at it. Now, she just wanted to find out what was hidden in this mansion, and where the hell Alexia and Alfred went.  
  
.....oh yeah, she wanted to escape too! ^^;;  
  
To her surprise, Alfred bedroom looked *exactly* the same as Alexia's, except everything was in blue, not reddish pink. But hey, they were twins. XD  
  
A small message card was placed on Alfred's nightstand; Claire picked it up and read the old words written in Rich Blonde Chick Cursive.  
  
'My dear brotha, I really really think that the GLORY OF THE ASHFORD FAMILEH will be revived with your courage and strength...eheh, strength...*starts giggling insanely* Alfred! Strength! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! OMG THAT'S SO FRIGGIN FUNNEH!!!!  
  
.........oops, sorry. ^^;;  
  
Erm....anyway, I FIRMLY believe that the family will be revived with your courage, 'strength', and great manlynessness. Oh Alfred *snicker* you're a brave action hero all right. LOL!!!!!!!!  
  
Keep getting carried away. ¬¬ You're an honored soldier. Yeah, right.  
  
Yours faithfully, Alexia Ashford  
  
P.S. And no I'm not sleeping with you, STOP ASKING ME!'  
  
Claire raised an eyebrow. "Roooooiiiigggghhhtttt..." She put the card in her personal library and walked over to the music box. Placing the beetle object thing in the box of music caused it to MAGICALLY OPEN!!!!!  
  
Claire covered her face and gasped in disgust in horror at the insides of the once living music box. Someone had taken out its insides! Trying not to hurl, Claire placed the bigass music box plate inside and the Ashford Family tune began to play. The top part of Alfred's bed lowered, and revealed an open hatch in the ceiling. And old rusted ladder led up to it.  
  
"Wow......didn't see THAT comin! XD" Claire said as she hopped on the bed and climbed up the ladder.  
  
Clink.  
  
Clink.  
  
Clink.  
  
Clink.  
  
Clink.  
  
"DAMN THAT'S A SHORT LADDER!" Claire said as she climbed into an attic.  
  
It was some sorta giant playroom! The trap door Claire climbed out of was in the middle of a miniature merry-go-round, meant for only two people.  
  
Two LITTLE people.  
  
"O_o Either this mansion is infested with joyful midgets, or Alfred and Alexia haven't road on this in a LONG time." She sighed. Marry-Go-Rounds scared the hell outta her. Since she was a little kid and it went so fast that it threw her off and into a tree, she had been emotionally scarred. Nervously, she jumped off the merry-go-round and looked around.  
  
"Okey, look for keys, herbs, or really shiny medals..."  
  
After searching the room thoroughly, she found a Dragon Fly Object on a chair, next to a green herb. She picked them up and examined the object.  
  
"Hmmmmm..."  
  
FLASHBACK!!!  
  
Shows Alfred and Alexia pluck the wings off of the dragonfly and place it in the anthill. Then look at each other and passionately make out before the video ended.  
  
UNFLASHBACK!!  
  
Claire shuddered. And after 10 minutes of deep thought, she came to a conclusion that she had to pluck the wings off of the dragonfly and shove it down some ant's throat...  
  
The painting of a giant ant with a convenient hole in the mouthpart told her she was correct.  
  
"Ooooo...I'm sorry Mr. Dragonfly. But I need to get out of here. ;.;" Claire said as she slowly plucked the wings off.  
  
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!! OH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS!!!!!" The dragonfly screamed, Claire sweatdropped and plucked the second wing off. "OOOOHHHH!! OOOOWWWW!!!!!"  
  
"_ I'm sorry!" She said, she plucked the last two wings off and shoved the dragonfly down the ant's throat before it could continue its screams of AGONY!  
  
"Mmmm...yummers!" the ant said. Some crunching sounds were heard, and suddenly the Ashford Tune played on the Merry-Go-Round, causing Claire to jump. She turned around and saw the Merry-Go-Round spin completely, its ladder ending up in a different place, the 2nd attic.  
  
"Okey, I'm getting sick and tired of that song!" Claire said as she slowly walked up to the ladder, grasped onto the bars, and climbed up.  
  
Clink again.  
  
Clink again.  
  
Clink again.  
  
Clink again.  
  
"O_o Man, this is one weird sounding ladder!"  
  
Claire sweatdropped when suddenly her nose began to bleed! She was at the top, the very tiptop of the mansion at the very tiptop of the hill. And that's pretty damn high in the air!  
  
Taking out one of her oh-so-wonderful tissues, she whipped her nose and looked around the room.  
  
There was a desk.  
  
A typewriter.  
  
A crate.  
  
A stepstool with a-WAIT A SECOND, A CRATE!!!!!!??????  
  
Flames appeared in Claire's eyes as she licked her lips. She got an animal look on her face, and drool streamed down her lip.  
  
"WHERE THERE IS A CRATE, I SHALL PUSH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Claire screamed into the air. She ran up to the crate and began to push in a random direction. "CRATE! MUST PUSH!!!!"  
  
The crate hit the wall and Claire fell to her knees, gasping for breath.  
  
"THE CRATE HAS BEEN PUSHED!!!!!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, dramatic music played in the background.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"That's it!" Carlos yelled. "Claire's gone insane!"  
  
"Doy!" Billy said as he bopped Carlos over the forehead. Carlos reflex punched him in the face, causing him to fall to the floor. "OUCH!!!!!"  
  
"HAT!!!!!"  
  
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!"  
  
"HAAAAAT!!!!!!"  
  
"TAAAAAAAAAATTTTTOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"STOP FIGHTING!!!!" Sherry screamed at such a pitch that everyone in a four- mile radius heard her flesh-piercing cry. Everyone immediately shut up and looked at her. Tears formed in her eyes. "CANT YOU PEOPLE SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING!?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
";.; There's so much hate in this world!!!" She cried. "I think I'm gonna...I'm gonna..."  
  
Leon rolled his eyes. "Oh boy...here she goes."  
  
"WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sherry started crying waterfalls, literally.  
  
"NOW look what you did!" Rebecca said as she looked at Jill. "You made her cry!"  
  
"I made her cry!? You started it!"  
  
"I wouldn't of if you could keep the story straight!"  
  
"Ah shut yer yappa! It was all your fault!"  
  
Jill and Becky started cat fighting. Everyone sighed, except Billy, who was now unconscious on the floor.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire noticed something on the top shelf of the bookcase the crate was next to. She climbed on top of the crate and picked up the blue book. She flipped through the pages, it was written by Alfred...  
  
'Confession Letter  
  
Alexia, my sister is a genius and possesses unmatched beau-tity. Ever since she was born, people orgasmed at the site of her. She's my everything. You hear me? EVERYTHING!? I would overcome ANY obstical, ANY! I'd even eat chocolate cake without milk, just for her! For Alexia and her great beautiful...beauty, I shall revive the glorious Ashford Family, which fell during the era of my mother fucking father...wait...almost all fathers do that. Erm...anyway, together, as one, we shall restore the family name. Once that has been achieved, I shall build a BEAUTIFUL PALACE WHERE ONLY NOBLES SHALL ENTER!!!!!  
  
I cannot allow the unwashed and non-blonde to see my beloved Alexia, to whom my LIFE is devoted to. She reins the world as queen, SHE SHALL COMMAND AND CONQUER YOU ALL!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! And I shall be her little pet that she'll keep in the yard. That is my dream, and how sweet and sexy it shall be! Mwee! Those accomplishments will be proof of my love towards Alexia! Mmyes! Alexia, my love! All those other peoples will be meaningless! And they shall prostitute themselves before Alexia and I! We shall live together forever!  
  
Mmyes!!! Alexia and I! Together forever! Until death! No! Even AFTER death! TWO SOULS...MESHED TOGETHER...AS ONE!!!!! FOREVER DRIFTING IN THE ENDLESS ABYSS KNOWN ONLY AS THE AFTERLIFE!!!! UNTIL...THE FINAL...PASSIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ahem, Devoted to my beloved goddess lady Alexia, Alfred "Alfy" Ashford'  
  
"O_o;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;"  
  
Claire slowly closed the book, dropped it to the floor, curled into a little ball, and screamed into her thighs.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Almost all the windows in the mansion and palace exploded.  
  
Claire took a deep breath.  
  
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! !!!!!"  
  
All the other windows in the mansion and the palace, exploded.  
  
Claire took another deep breath.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"  
  
All the shards of glass on the floor exploded again.  
  
Claire took another deep breath, deciding that she had broken enough glass, she got up and sighed.  
  
"Okey, I need out...I swear, I hope that this adventure is almost-"  
  
She cut herself off as she laid eyes on what was underneath the book. A bright, shiny medal.  
  
The Air Force Proof!!!!!  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!" Claire squealed as she grabbed it and kissed the proof passionately. "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
She hopped off the crate and started break dancing with joy. After doing this for five minutes, she finally got up and pocketed it. "FINALLY! I'm gonna get OUT OF HERE!!! YAY!!!!!!"  
  
With a big grin, Claire turned around and noticed a piece of paper on the stepstool on the other end of the room. She ran up to it and picked it up, it was a pair of newspaper clippings.  
  
'In today's news, a 10-year-old girl genius named Alexia Ashford graduated at the top of her class, from a really really really smart-personish college which shall be unnamed for legal reasons. The international corporation, Umbrella Chemical Inc. offered the position of head researcher. Yes, Umbrella is truly insane.  
  
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU UMBRELLA!? SHE'S FRIGGIN 10-YEARS-OLD!!!!! SHE CANT WORK WITH CHEMICALS!! YOU FOOL!!!!  
  
Oh well, it's pretty neat though, ain't it?  
  
This News Coverage brought to you by CNN. So HAHA NBC!! YOU SUCK!!! WE'VE GOT THIS STORY AND YOU DON'T!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!'  
  
"Holy SHIT!" Claire yelled in awe. "Alexia graduated from college when she was TEN!? Hot DAMN! She's smart! And she's BLONDE too!!!" Claire dropped the newspapers and covered her mouth. "Oh well, she must be a dork. ^^"  
  
With a chuckle, Claire picked up both the files and stored them in the pocket, then saved her game.  
  
"Well..." she said. "Looks like it's time for me to get the hell outta this place! ^^"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The bike shot across the country road, a sign whizzed passed the duo. The words 'Nearest Town From Here: 50 Miles.'  
  
Chris eyed the sign as it passed him by, well; at least he was getting closer to the nearest town. Hopefully he could somehow escape from Elza and find a ride to the island. Maybe there was a harbor nearby...  
  
'Please forgive me Claire...' he thought.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire hopped off of the bed and walked across Alexia's bedroom. The merry- go-round spinning had caused the ladders bottom to reverse, so now she was in the female Ashford's room.  
  
'Finally, to get out of this place...' she thought as she grasped the handle of the door.  
  
Click!  
  
Claire jumped when she heard the sound of a door open and someone cock a gun.  
  
"Claire Redfield, hold it right there."  
  
She spun around and stared into the eyes of Alexia, orgasming immediately at her sight. Alexia stood on the opposite end of the room, a sniper rifle in her hand, a big grin on her face. Trying to ignore the sticky feeling in her pants, Claire sweatdropped and stepped back.  
  
"At last we meet." Alexia said. "At laust we meet, a piteh I have to say goodbai so soon. I am Alexia Ashford, and on behaulv of the Ashford Family, I shall KILL THEE!!!"  
  
"ACK!" Claire screamed as she jumped to the floor, that very second Alexia fired; the bullet missed her by only a few inches. The biker chick hit the floor and turned around. "Oh crapcrapcrapitycrapcrap!!"  
  
"MUAHAHAHA!" Alexia yelled as she reloaded the gun with a rich-blonde-chick fashion. She aimed the gun at Claire's head and took a step forward.  
  
"No, wait!" Claire cried.  
  
BAM!  
  
"What the freak's going on!?" Steve asked as he kicked the door down and bust into the room. Both girls looked at him. Steve looked back at Claire, then at Alexia, also orgasming at the site of her beauty. This distracted Steve just long enough for her to move the gun up and aim at him.  
  
"DIE FUCKER!!!!" Alexia screamed as she pulled the trigger.  
  
BANG!!!!!  
  
"AHHH!!" the boy cried as he fell to the floor clutching his arm. While he was falling he fired the machineguns rapidly, landing next to Claire.  
  
After 20 seconds of firing the gun at Alexia, the bullets finally hit her. She let out a small shriek, spun around, and pushed through the Lady Smoking Pot Mural. Claire got up and looked at Steve.  
  
"Steve!" She looked at the mural Alexia ran though. "A secret door!"  
  
"A-after her!" Steve grumbled as he slowly got up. Claire looked at him again.  
  
"Hey, you cleaned all that gel outta your hair!"  
  
Steve grinned nervously; he now had his messy RECVX hair as opposed to his gelled RECV hair. "Yeah, you like?"  
  
"^^ Yeah, I like it when boys look gay." She responded with a sincere smile. The boy sweatdropped and groaned in agony. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
Claire and Steve looked at his arm, where Alexia shot him. Surprisingly, considering he was shot his arm didn't look half bad. In fact, it looked exactly the same as it did before!  
  
"It's just a scratch."  
  
Claire sweatdropped. "But I thought..."  
  
"Nah, I'm okay." He said as he flashed his disturbingly white teeth once again. He looked at the secret door. "Come on!" With that, he ran though and into Alfred's bedroom, Claire followed.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat....  
  
Slightly annoyed by her insanely loud heart, the girl pushed through and into Alfred's room. Steve was already examining under the bed. Crimson red was allover the floor, and Alexia's dress was laid out on the mattress.  
  
"Steve, what are you doing?"  
  
Steve looked up at her. "Checking for monsters under the bed. ^_^"  
  
Claire sweatdropped and looked around, how the hell did Alexia get undressed so fast? And now, where the heck WAS SHE!?  
  
A blonde wig was laid out on the music box, looked like someone just threw it there...  
  
Claire reached out for the wig. "This must be..."  
  
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!"  
  
She spun around and jumped out of the way, just barely missing Alfred, who almost smashed the back of her head in with the butt of his sniper rifle. That very second, Steve seemed to move at supersonic speed and jumped in front of Alfred, kicking him in the gut. Alfred fell on his ass next to the wall; Steve pointed the duo sub-machine guns at him.  
  
"Sit yo punk white ass down, bitch!" Steve screamed.  
  
"Ooo, nice one Steve. ^_^" Claire said.  
  
"^_^ Thanks." Steve said, they looked into each others eyes and corny love music started to play.  
  
While this was happening, Alfred slowly stumbled upwards and turned around, looking directly into an extremely reflective mirror (which for some reason didn't explode yet). He looked into his reflection.  
  
He was wearing makeup...  
  
With a horrified look in his eyes, he put his hand to his face. "What!? No!!!"  
  
"Wha?" Claire and Steve asked in unison.  
  
"Alexia...It can't...WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Alfred covered his face and ran out of the room crying.  
  
"Hmph, crybaby..." Claire muttered. "Not his fault he gets his ass kicked by a teen-"  
  
"WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!" Steve screamed, causing Claire to jump. "WHAT THE FREAK JUST HAPPENED!?"  
  
"Well, first Alfy attacked me and then you kicked his ass and then-"  
  
"No, I mean..." Steve pointed. "D-didn't you see that!? He was wearing makeup!"  
  
Claire and Steve 'hmm'ed and got in a thinking pose.  
  
10 Minutes Later...  
  
"...GREAT SCOTT!!!!" Claire yelled as she snapped her fingers.  
  
"What?"  
  
"So there never WAS an Alexia after all!!"  
  
"....what?"  
  
"So there never WAS an Alexia after all!!"  
  
".....eh?"  
  
Claire sighed. "I mean, Alfred thinks he's Alexia, he DRESSES UP as her and pretends he's her, when there was really no Alexia at all!"  
  
Steve gasped. "Y-you mean to tell me that...WE JUST ORGASMED AT THE SIGHT OF ALFRED!!!!!!?????"  
  
Claire and Steve's eyes widened in horror.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They both grabbed their heads and screamed in agony.  
  
"_ That's it! I can take mutated flesh eating zombies and monsters, BUT CROSS DRESSERS SCARE THE FRIGGIN HELL OUTTA ME!!!!!" Steve said as he turned to Claire. "Let's get the hell off of this island!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
Steve stepped forward two feet and that very SECOND some alarms started blaring, causing both of them to jump.  
  
"Holy CRAP!" Steve yelled. "That freak! He activated the Self-Destruct System!!!"  
  
Claire fell over. "GODDAMNIT WHY DO ALL OF UMBRELLA'S BASES HAVE SELF- DESTRUCT SYSTEMS!!!!!!!?????"  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "I take it you've been to Umbrella Bases before..."  
  
"He-ACK yeah!" Claire said. "Well, the good news is: If the Self-Destruct System's activated, that means the game's almost over."  
  
"YAY!!!"  
  
"Come on, let's get out of here!" She said.  
  
"Right!"  
  
With a nod, both of them ran out of the room... 


	10. It's Finally Over! Yeah Right!

*sweatdrop* ^^;; Sorry I almost killed you Nemesis X! Gotta watch out for them Cheetos! XD! Thanks for all the great reviews; this fic is very fun to write! ^_^ That's all I really have to say now, and just so you know I STILL don't own Resident Evil...or do I? *corny insane laugh*...okey, I don't. --;; ^_^ On with the ficcy!  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
The motorbike screeched to a stop at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Elza looked over at Chris and whispered.  
  
"Stay here, or I WILL shoot you. Got it?"  
  
Chris sweatdropped. "Yes sir, I mean ma'am!"  
  
"Good."  
  
Elza hopped off the bike and walked over to the gas pump. She looked closely at the prices.  
  
"HOLY CRAP! $20 PER GALLON!!!!????"  
  
Chris sweatdropped. "I guess gas is rare here or something......"  
  
"Shut up!" She yelled. "I hate these stupid stupidhead gas prices!"  
  
"You wanna say that to my face?" The gas pump asked. Elza and Chris sweatdropped.  
  
"Roooiiiiiigggghhhtttt..."  
  
"Shut up!!!"  
  
Chris bit his lip so hard he felt himself begin to bleed. As Elza shoved her hose into the hole and started pumping (O_o;; Okey, that sounded weird...), Chris nervously looked around.  
  
He saw a man standing next to the diner entrance, putting some crap in the trunk of his car. The man looked up and met Chris's gaze. Chris looked at the man, then at Elza and mouthed the words 'Help me'  
  
"WHAT!?" the man screamed. Chris almost fell over. Elza sweatdropped and looked around. After a while, she went back to filling the bike with gas. Chris looked back at the man and mouthed the words 'Please help me I'll do anything'  
  
"YOU MEAN THAT THAT LADY NAMED ELZA WALKER IS HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BROTHER OF CLAIRE REDFIELD AND SHE'LL SHOOT YOU IF YOU DON'T COOPERATE!?"  
  
This time, Chris fell completely off the bike. Elza jumped and looked at the man who Chris was trying to talk to and pulled out the handgun. She aimed at his head and fired, the man just barely jumped out of the way, missing the bullet by a few inches. Everyone suddenly panicked from the gunshot, and ran around screaming. (Well, there were only 6 people there anyway.) Elza spun around and pointed the gun at Chris's face.  
  
"Oy Jebus..." Chris muttered.  
  
"You think you can get away!?" She asked, her eyes glowing red. "Time to die Redfie-ACK!!!" she cried as Chris kicked her in the hand, the gun flew into the sky and landed on the floor a few feet away, firing the second it hit and shooting out a window.  
  
Chris spun around and pushed upwards, jumping up and running for the gun. He grabbed onto it and spun around, just in time to be tackled by the other woman. He fell to the floor with her on top of him, trying to claw his eyes out.  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU!!!!" Elza screamed. Chris pulled out his defense item, a Flash Grenade, and shoved it down her throat, pushing her over in the process. He then got up, grabbed the gun, and ran towards the minimart as fast as he could.  
  
Elza realized she had a grenade in her mouth, jumped up, and spit it out. It landed right behind Chris, exploding and sending the man flying through the minimart window. He landed on a rack of candy and fell over. He stumbled upwards and frantically tried to put the candy rack back in its place (Chris is a bit of a neat freak).  
  
Suddenly Elza kicked the marts front door down, causing Chris to panic and jump behind another candy wrack.  
  
"Ack! Don't hurt me!" the diner owner cried as he stuck his hands up in air.  
  
"Quiet!" Elza yelled. "Did you see a man with black, spiky hair?"  
  
"Yeah, he-"  
  
"I SAID QUIET!!!" she yelled as she slapped him upside the head. He spun around and fell over, unconscious. "Oops..."  
  
'Crapcrapcrapitycarp...I mean crap.' Chris thought as he looked around. Suddenly an ax cut right through the rack, causing the top to fly off and almost chopping his head off. "AAAAHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
Elza stood right above him, a fire ax in her hand. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"AAHHHHHHHH AGAIN!!!!!!!!!" Chris sprung into the air and rolled on the floor as candy flew everywhere.  
  
Elza's new weapon was planted in the tile he was sitting on just a second earlier. She pulled the ax out and ran after him, swinging it around her head and screaming like a lunatic. Letting out a battle cry, she chucked the ax at him. Chris ran up to the men's bathroom, grabbed the door, and closed it behind him just in time. The ax smashed right into the door just a second too late to hit him.  
"Damnit!" Elza screamed.  
  
"Hahaha!" Chris yelled. "You can't come in here, because it's the MEN'S ROOM!!!!!"  
  
"Actually, it's the unisex restroom!" A guy yelled. Elza starred at the man, he ran away screaming immediately.  
  
"DAMNIT!" Chris cried, suddenly an ax smashed through the wood, almost hitting him in the face. He jumped back.  
  
"PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!"  
  
Chris nervously looked around. 'Oh man, how am I gonna get out of this...?'  
  
He turned and saw a small window high above the really icky toilet. He climbed up, pushed the window open and crawled out. The second he got out, Elza kicked down the broken door. Swinging the fire ax around like the insane psychobitch she was, she sweatdropped when she realized Chris wasn't in the room.  
  
"Damnit! Where'd he go!?"  
  
"Hey Elza!!!"  
  
She turned around and saw Chris outside, sitting on her motorbike.  
  
"DON'T YOU DARE STEAL MY BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed as she raised the ax above her head and ran across the diner and outside, towards him.  
  
Chris looked at the bike and realized the keys were missing.  
  
"DANG IT..."  
  
"AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!" Elza screamed as she ran towards him at a blinding speed, the ax swinging around above her head. Chris's eyes widened and everything went negative once again. Two choices appeared in front of him.  
  
Light the Match.  
  
Scream like a ninny and let Elza hack you to death.  
  
Sweatdropping, Chris chose the first and pulled out a match. He stroked it against his hair, causing it to set aflame and-without even THINKING-put it to the open gas cap.  
  
Elza stopped in her tracks, her eyes widened in horror.  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
"SAYONARA PSYCHOBITCH!!!" Chris yelled as he threw the match in the gas tank. The whole backend of the motorbike exploded, sending Chris and the bike flying into the sky like a rocket. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
Some flames from the explosion landed on some gasoline on the ground, a fire spread immediately into a huge wall of flame. Elza's eyes widened as she saw the flames coming closer and closer to the gas pumps. The ax dropped to the floor as she turned around as fast as she could.  
  
Ssssssssssssssssssssss- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!  
  
She was sent flying into the air as the whole gas station behind her exploded, she flew forward and landed face first in the dirt. Spitting dirt out of her mouth, she turned around and looked at the crater that was once the gas station.  
  
"I promise you, Redfield..." Elza whispered as she brushed a lock of slightly burnt hair out of her face. "I shall get my...REVEEEEEEENNNNNNGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
'For the love of god, SHUT UP!!!" Claire screamed in her mind as she stopped at the Palace Courtyard she had fought Wesker in earlier. The alarms where blaring on and on, she hated that sound. 'Okay, where the hell is Steve!?'  
  
"Claire!" she heard Steve's slightly-less-annoying-than-before voice yell, as if on que.  
  
Turning to her left, she saw Steve running up to her from the Courtyard entrance.  
  
"Where the hell where you? The plane is," she pointed to the right, to the stairway that led to the dock. "That-a-way!"  
  
"Yeah, I know." Steve said. "I was getting a soda."  
  
He tossed a Pepsi bottle into her hands, she caught and smiled. "Eheh, thanks Steve."  
  
"Welcome. ^^"  
  
"But..." Claire started. "So you bought it from that soda machine in the MTF?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So you had money?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So...why didn't you use the money on the payphones to call for help?"  
  
Steve sweatdropped. "Erm....."  
  
He was cut off as the sound of multiple planes was heard from above. The duo looked up at the sky to see three cargo planes flying into the distance.  
  
"Those must be the other survivors!" He said.  
  
"Wait a tick, THERE WERE OTHER SURVIVORS!?"  
  
"Yeah! Of course!"  
  
"O_o;; WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY!?"  
  
"On other parts of the island I guess..." he said. "And I guess there's another airport around here or something..."  
  
"Damnit." Claire said. "Just when I thought I was a unique individual..."  
  
"^^;; We really need to get out of here, this place is gonna blow!"  
  
"This place blows already." Claire said, Steve chuckled and ran past her to the dock. The Self-Destruct System action music began to play. The girl smiled, knowing that meant they weren't far from the end, and ran after him.  
  
Right when she got to the bottom of the steps, she ran up to Steve, who was standing next to the steering wheel.  
  
"Hurry up!" He said, Claire ran up next to him and he spun the steering wheel around, causing the sub to surface. They both dropped down into the sub, pulled the lever, descended down to the bottom of the pool, and came to a stop. Steve spun around and ran up the ladder, Claire followed.  
  
The boy somehow appeared at the bottom of the stairs by some strange magical force, and ran ahead.  
  
"Hey Steve! Wait up already!" Claire yelled, but he had already run through the door. She sighed, ran down the stairs, and through the electric door. Right when she got in, a zombie reached its arms out and almost grabbed her. She jumped back and kicked it in the nuts. The zombie groaned in agony and fell to the floor. "Damnit, you coulda at least killed them for me..."  
  
With another sigh, she ran through the other door and into the main plane room. Steve was standing next to the lift with his arms crossed. Claire ran up to it and stopped in her tracks when she got to the machine.  
  
"Oh shit..."  
  
"What?" Steve asked.  
  
Claire looked at him and scratched the back of her head. "^_^;;; Ya know those proofs that you have to put in the machine?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well...I forgot to bring them with me." Steve fell over. "^^;; Sorry..."  
  
Getting up, Steve sighed. "Don't worry, I'LL get them."  
  
Claire sweatdropped. "O.O What!? Really?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be back." With that, he turned and ran out of the room.  
  
Claire stood frozen in her place. 'What the hell!?' she asked. That was the first time someone ever did something like that for her, usually she had to get the keys and stuff while the other person sat on their ass. But this was a complete surprise! 'Man...maybe Steve isn't so bad after all...'  
  
About a minute later, Steve came back holding the four chests. "Where there is a crest, I shall take it. ^^"  
  
"Thanks." Claire said with a smile, she grabbed the army proofs out of his hands and placed all three of them in the machine.  
  
The lift slowly lowered down until it got to the plane door, the door opened by some magical force and they both ran in. Claire raised an eyebrow as she eyes the switches and knobs at the controls. It suddenly hit her that she didn't know crap about flying in planes! Steve ran up to the controls and sat in the chair, Claire ran up next to him.  
  
"You can FLY A PLANE!!!!??????"  
  
"No." Steve said as he looked at the controls. "But I'll figure it out."  
  
Claire sweatdropped and looked ahead to see the bridge was blocking their path!  
  
"No!" Steve yelled. "Before we can leave we have to raise the bridge!"  
  
"Of course..." she sighed. "I'll raise the bridge, you get the plane started."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Turning around, Claire began to run to the door but tripped over something, falling down the stairs in the process. "OUCH!" She turned around looked to see the Bridge Control Switch on the cockpit floor. "Well that's convenient,..." she said as she grabbed the switch and shoved it down her pants.  
  
She got up, ran out of the plane, and jogged over to the Airport 2nd floor. Once she got there she jammed the switch into its slow and pulled it down, the bridge raised up out of the water, allowing the plane to take off.  
  
"........DAMNIT!!!!!!" she screamed as she realized that now the bridge wasn't on the first floor, she couldn't just walk back to the plane the same was as before! "Arg..."  
  
She ran across the bridge and into the 2nd floor of Airport Left Wing. She looked around, the top of the fish tank in the control room was here, and she could see a fish inside.  
  
"HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!" the fish cried. Claire sweatdropped and ran up to it. "Don't worry Mr. Fish! I'll save you! ^^"  
  
She grabbed the fish, ran out to the bridge, and threw him into the water. "BE FREE MR. FISH! BE FREE!!!!!"  
  
"Thaaaank yooouuu!" the fish yelled as he swam off into the moonlight, only to be eaten by a shark. Claire sweatdropped and ran back into the room where she got the fish.  
  
A buncha corpses were in the corner, and there was a key so shiny you could see it through the uniform on one of them. She picked up the key and read the tag. 'Airport Key KT-SX994-PG-138WQUIAKZ9HJANQ913KAM21'. Claire sweatdropped and picked up the key, she ran to the Airport Left Wing and used the key on the door gate that wasn't even mentioned before in this fic. ¬.¬  
  
The gate opened and she pulled open the door right behind it.  
  
The next room was the storage room thingy. There was a cargo elevator in the back of the room, which happened to be jammed because there were some crates under the cargo door. Slightly annoyed, she pushed the crates into the cargo elevator and the door closed in it's place.  
  
"I feel a sudden urge to save!!!!!" Claire said as she ran to the typewriter. She saved her progress, pulled her G. Launcher out of the item box (with B.O.W. Gas Rounds, just for the hell of it) and walked over to the elevator.  
  
'5 Minutes Until Detonation'  
  
Claire looked up, yup, there was a green timer floating above her head. Just like before in Raccoon City.  
  
"Sigh, I shoulda seen that comin..."  
  
As she was slowly running out of time, Claire opened up the door to the cargo elevator and stepped in...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Alfred stood at the control panel in the Military Training Facility control room, rapidly pressing buttons. Mascara was still on his face, he hadn't bothered to wash it off, he didn't have time.  
  
"I will NOT allow you FOOLS to escape!" he yelled in Alexia's voice. "This is what happens when you try to OPPOSE meh! Now feel my revenge!" he threw a switch and started giggling insanely. "Mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!!!! Mmyes!!!"  
  
Jeez he's a freak ^^;;...anyway, he slammed his fist onto a big red button.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A large tank shot out of the ground in a big white science lab.  
  
T-078 was written on the surface.  
  
Suddenly the tank opened and out came a big, black, butt ugly monster with huge muscles and a large mace for a right hand. It stepped out, stretched its legs, yawned, and started walking towards the camera.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The elevator stopped on the ground level and Claire immediately ran out, she was now in the court of the military training facility. She made a U- turn and ran out of the court and into the area just outside the MTF and the Palace Courtyard. Sprinting across the soft dirt, Claire stopped suddenly when she heard a flash.  
  
"Huh?" she asked as she turned around and stared at the oil drums. Until now-she couldn't believe she didn't notice before-the drums had been burning, and looks like the flames finally burned through the hard metal, oil spilled out into the flamed. "Oh sh-"  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!  
  
"AAAHHHH!!!" Claire cried as she explosion sent her flying forward and onto the ground. Spitting dirt out of her face, she looked at the flames; the path to the prison and the MTF was now blocked by the flames. "Good riddance..."  
  
CLANG!!!!  
  
Claire looked forward and saw the gate not too far ahead fly open and fall down the bottomless pit. Out of the gate came...  
  
"Oh boy..."  
  
Right ahead was the Tyrant. Claire had seen him earlier in Raccoon City (or...did she?), and if she didn't, she sure as hell knew about him. He was butt nekid, and had huge inhumanly large muscles.  
  
The Tyrant slowly turned and looked at her.  
  
"Hello little girl."  
  
Claire slowly got up. "Hello Mr. Tyrant...you're going to hurt me aren't you?"  
  
"You bet I will." He said as he slowly walked towards her.  
  
"Figures." Claire whipped out the G. Launcher and took aim. "PREPARE TO FACE MY B.O.W. GAS!!!"  
  
"B.O.W. wha?"  
  
SPLOOOFFFF!!!!!  
  
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" The Tyrant covered his eyes as a pellet full of gas hit him smack in the face, sending greenish gas everywhere. Claire covered her nose.  
  
"Ewwww! That smells nasty!"  
  
The Tyrant sniffled. "I think I'm aller-aller-AAACCCHOOOOOO!!!!!!" He sneezed loudly, sending snot allover the floor.  
  
"Ewwww!" Claire said, then grinned as she realized he was allergic to BOW Gas. "MUAHAHAHA! SMELL MY GAS!! XD"  
  
She fired again, another bullet smacked head on into the Tyrant's stomach. He fell to the floor.  
  
"Ooooow! Itchy! Itchy! ;_;" The Tyrant said as he started scratching his body. The long blade of a hand he had cut deep into his flesh. "OWWWWW!!!!!"  
  
Claire bit her lip; perhaps she had been a little too hard on him. "Are you okay?"  
  
";_; I hurts mommy!"  
  
"Awwww..." Claire said as she patted his head. "I'm sorry..."  
  
"I HATE YOU!!!" The Tyrant yelled, Claire sweatdropped as he suddenly got up and raised his mace above his head. "DIE!!!!"  
  
Claire rolled her eyes and shot him in the face with her last BOW Gas round.  
  
"ACK! X____x" The Tyrant fell to the floor, dead.  
  
"Maaaaan that was easy." Claire said with a big grin on her face. "^^;; Oh well, TIME TO GET OUTTA HERE!!!"  
  
With that, she ran past the Tyrant's body and back to the sub.  
  
FF To the plane  
  
Claire ran through the plane and closed it behind her, gasping for breath. "MAN that was a long jog!"  
  
"What took you so long!? I was getting worried!" Steve yelled.  
  
"Aww...thanks. ^_^" Claire's expression changed and she ran up to him. "NOW LIFT OFF NOW!!!!"  
  
"Okay, time to get out of this deathtrap!" Steve said dramatically.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
FMV Scene: The graphics suddenly get a bazillion times better.  
  
The plane zoomed through the water at top speed and slowly lifted off into the night sky.  
  
End FMV Scene...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"YAY!!!!!" Steve and Claire yelled. Claire walked up to the window, a smile formed on her lips.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The RE cast's eyes widened in horror as they stared at the TV screen.  
  
"NO CLAIRE!!!!!" They all screamed at the top of their lungs. "DON'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"It's finally over..." Claire said with a big smile.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone fell over crying, except for Billy who now had a big bandage over his nose. "Wha? I don't get it. What's wrong?"  
  
"DON'T YOU KNOW!?" Jill asked as she grabbed Billy by the collar.  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"Sigh, n00bs." Leon said as he rolled his eyes.  
  
"I'M NOT A N00B!!!!" Billy screamed.  
  
"Yeah you are." The whole RE cast said with a sigh.  
  
"Don't yer know?" Becky asked. "EVERY time someone says 'It's finally over...' something bad happens."  
  
"Believe me." Jill said. "._. I know."  
  
"So...something's gonna go wrong with the plane or something, right?" Billy asked.  
  
"Looks like our n00b has a brain! ^^" Richard said, Billy hit him over the head with the butt of a shotgun. "OUCH!"  
  
"Well, it's true." The Bravo Team captain said. "It's happened a hell of a lot, and looks like it's gonna happen again..."  
  
"Aw nutbunnys!" Sherry said as she hugged Rebecca. "Do you think Claire'll still make it?"  
  
"We can only pray..." Rebecca said dramatically. All the RE characters got a distant look on their face. "We can only pray...  
  
....  
  
....  
  
....  
  
Long awkward silence...  
  
Barry coughed.  
  
"So..." Jill said. She looked to Rebecca. "HAT!!!!!!!"  
  
"TATTOO!!!!!"  
  
Everyone fell over.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire looked back at Steve, the boys smile faltered and he looked at the controls.  
  
"Claire...." He said sadly. "I'm sorry...for all the trouble I caused you..."  
  
"Don't worry about it." Claire said reassuringly as she patted him on the back. "It was hard for both of us...then again, I WAS the one that unlocked all the doors...and I WAS the one that had to take on a buncha monsters with weak guns...and I WAS-" She stopped when she saw that Steve was looking at the floor in shame. "Oops...Steve..."  
  
"I hope you find your brother." Steve said. "I know what it's like to lose someone..."  
  
"Oh Steve..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Uh...nothing! ^^;;"  
  
....  
  
....  
  
...the awkward silence...  
  
.....  
  
....  
  
"So..."  
  
Steve looked around; this was a VERY awkward silence, indeed.  
  
"Erm...so Claire, where do ya wanna go?"  
  
"Hmmm..." Claire smiled. "I hear Hawaii's nice this time of year!"  
  
Steve got a bigass grin on his face. "You got it! Off to Hawaii we go!!"  
  
They both smiled and chuckled lightly as the plane switched course, off to Hawaii...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The ground shook from the distant explosions that seemed to come from nowhere. Weird eh? I mean, parts of the base are exploding, but the timers not up yet...anyway...  
  
Alfred Ashford shakily ran across the ground, trying desperately not to fall on his ass. He ran up to the back of a tank, pulled open a hatch, and pressed a button. The tank suddenly started moving forward. Alfred started kicking the dirt in annoyance at how slow it was moving, and sweatdropped when the tank crashed right into the brick wall. Shaking his head again in annoyance, he stepped into the secret lift that appeared and descended into a secret passageway.  
  
He ran down the secret tunnel until he got to a door with an ax indention carved into it. He pulled a small ax outta nowhere and put it in, the door opened up to reveal...  
  
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!  
  
A secret hanger!  
  
"Now Claire, you will soon learn what REAL terror is about!" He giggled insanely as he slowly walked over to a jet and hopped in. The engine started up and he flew into the sky, a big evil smirk on his face. "Mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!!!!"  
  
The jet shot off into the night sky as corny drama music played...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
BOOM!!!!  
  
Both of them fell over as the plane was suddenly rocked by an unknown force. The alarm went off. Steve climbed back onto his seat and frantically tried to regain control of the plane.  
  
"DAMNIT IT'S NEVER THAT EASY!!!!" Claire screamed.  
  
"ACK! The Cargo Bay door is open! What in the hell!?"  
  
Claire sweatdropped and looked around nervously. "Erm...it's probably nothing!!"  
  
"No, I'm a bit worried, it cant open for no reason, unless there's a..."  
  
Both Claire and Steve look at you dramatically, their eyes wide. "A boss..." they said in unison.  
  
"I'm unlocking the entrance to the cargo room thing, you go and check it out."  
  
"Why the hell do I have to do it!?"  
  
"Because I'M the one controlling the plane."  
  
Claire sighed, he had a point. "Fine...but I wont like it."  
  
"Thanks." Steve said.  
  
With an annoyed groan, Claire saved and walked up to the cargo bay door.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
She slowly inched closer and closer to the door until her eyes were RIGHT ON the handle.  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
Heartbeat...  
  
She could hear an aggravated groan coming from Steve, giggled, and pushed through the door... 


	11. Claire Redfield: Ultimate Tyrant Killer!

Heya again!!!! ^^;; Man, I haven't updated this fic in a looong time! Sorry, I've been more in the Sonic spirit than the RE spirit as of late. Oh well, I'll still continue this of course. This chappy kinda sucked I think, ._. sorry. ^_^; The next one will be better. On with the fanfic!  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
Claire's eyes widened in terror at what stood before her in the cargo bay.  
  
The cargo bay door was wide open, sucking just about everything lightweight out. Tons of paper appeared out of nowhere and flew out of the plane. In the middle of the room stood the Tyrant. Beaten, bloodied, and really pissed off.  
  
"Of course..." Claire muttered. Unfortunately for her, the Tyrant heard. It slowly turned around and looked at her.  
  
"YOU!!!!!!" He yelled as he did the Nemesis pose and shot out his claw like those mechanical spikes in those old Sonic games. (XD!!!)  
  
"Uh...hi. ^^;;" Claire waved nervously. "You're probably mad at me for...killing you...^^;;;;;;;;"  
  
"You bet your candy ass I am!!!!!" The Tyrant screamed, Claire sweatdropped and backed away nervously.  
  
"^_^;;;;;;;; Cant we settle this peacefully?"  
  
"No."  
  
Claire's nervous smile turned into a VERY nervous frown. The Tyrant took a step foreword. Claire took a step back. The Tyrant took another step forward. Claire took another step back. Grinning, the Tyrant took ANOTHER step forward. Claire took a step back and felt her back hit the door.  
  
"Oy crap..."  
  
"Muahaha!"  
  
BEEP!  
  
She turned and looked at the control panel right next to her.  
  
'THE CATAPULT IS READY RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTA USE IT SISTAH BEFORE THAT MONSTER KICKS YOUR SORRY ASS!!!!!!'  
  
Both sweatdropped.  
  
"What the hell's a catapult doing in a plane!?" Claire asked. The Tyrant shrugged and ran towards her, Claire's eyes widened. "AAAHHHH!!!!" She jumped and slammed her fist into the Big Red Button. The catapult, which happened to have a large crate with the words 'Tyrant-Killing-Crate' written on it shot forward.  
  
"Oh crap!" The Tyrant yelled as the crate smashed right into him. The crate, with him with it on it, went sliding across the room at a bazillion miles an hour, towards the open cargo bay door.  
  
"Muahah!" Claire yelled as she started dancing. "Boom baby!" Suddenly the crate stopped and was sent shooting back at her. "AHHH!" She jumped out of the way as it smashed back into the wall. The Tyrant stood right near the door with a proud look on his face.  
  
"Man I'm strong! XD" The Tyrant said as he started flexing and kissing his muscles. Claire raised an eyebrow and pulled out her grenade launcher. "NOOOOO!!!!!!" The Tyrant covered his face and squealed like a little girl, expecting to be hit with another B.O.W. Gas round.  
  
Click! Click!  
  
"DAMNIT!" Claire screamed as she heard the aggravating click of an empty gun. She looked at the monster face, and frantically reached for her bucket- o-grenade rounds.  
  
With a bigass grin on his face, the Tyrant continued to walk towards her at a disturbingly slow pace for a monster. And when I say slow I mean SLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.  
  
Suddenly a bright light appeared next to Claire, and Bob the Magical Fairy came out and landed right next to her.  
  
"Bob!?"  
  
Bob shook his head and turned to Claire. "Claire! You've gotta use the bowgun with bowgun powder!"  
  
Claire raised an eyebrow. "But the bowgun sucks ass!"  
  
"Trust me, it's better with the Bowgun Powder."  
  
"Uh..." Claire and Bob looked at the Tyrant. Who was still walking towards them so slowly that he hadn't reached them yet. Claire sweatdropped. "...okay. But if I die I'm gonna kill you!"  
  
"^^;; Time for me to go! See ya!" Before Claire could respond Bob flew passed the Tyrant and out the cargo door.  
  
Claire pulled out the bowgun and loaded it with bowgun powder. Now it became...  
  
Dun dun dun!!!  
  
THE SUPER BOWGUN!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A magical aura glowed around the weapon, as it suddenly became one of the most kickass weapons in the game. She raised it to her eye level and pulled the trigger. Immediately, about 600 flaming explosive arrows of DEATH shot out and hit the Tyrant. Causing a huge explosion that rocked the whole plane.  
  
"SON OF A BITCH!!!!!" The Tyrant screamed and he was sent flying back. Claire couldn't let go of the trigger! The weapon was firing rapidly like a...rapidly firing gun!!! It uncontrollably send burning explosive arrows of doom flying every direction, until Claire managed to pin the gun to the ground and take her hand off the trigger.  
  
Breathing out a sigh, Claire looked up and stared into the eyes of the Tyrant. She ducked immediately, missing the deadly claw by mere inches as it stabbed into the wall, leaving a bigass hole. She rolled out of the way and dodged another claw attack. She ran up next to the cargo door, turned around, and aimed her bowgun up at the monsters face.  
  
"DIE FOTHER MUCKER!!!" Claire screamed as she once again pulled the trigger. She was sent flying back as the gun fired rapidly, almost falling completely out of the plane! The Tyrant tried to dodge, but failed miserably and 'sploded into flames once again.  
  
"GOD DAMNIT!" He yelled. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT HURTS!?"  
  
"^_^; Nope!"  
  
The Tyrant started limping towards her with a PMSing look on his face. Claire stepped back and pulled the trigger of the bowgun.  
  
Click Click!  
  
"Gosh darn it!!!!" Claire yelled, she looked up to meet the fist of the Tyrant.  
  
POW!!!!  
  
"AHHHH!" Claire flew into the plane wall and hit her head. Any normal person's face would be shattered to a bazillion jillion pieces, but not Claire of course. ^^;;  
  
Dazed, she looked up and jumped out of the way of another downswing attack. It created a huge sound that rocked the whole plane!  
  
BEEP!  
  
Claire turned around and looked near the door that led to the cockpit, the catapult button was glowing.  
  
'THE GODDAMN CATAPULT IS READY NOW SO YOU BETTA PUSH THE DANG BUTTON BEFORE THE GIANT MONSTER KILLS YOU!!!!' the computer voice yelled.  
  
"Damnit stop moving!" The Tyrant yelled right after it. Claire looked straight up to see him starring at her from about, the claw raised above his head. The claw of death...  
  
A bazillion thoughts shot through Claire's head at once, and her old moms voice echoed throughout her head.  
  
FLASHBACK!  
  
Claire's Mom: Now remember pumpkin, when a giant monster is hovering above you and is about to turn you into confetti, always kick him in the balls. Because that's the mans weakspot.  
  
UNFLASHBACK!  
  
Claire's eyes widened and in a quick motion she shot her leg up and kicked the Tyrant where it hurts. A loud squeaking sound was made and the Tyrant grabbed his crotch, his eyes widened.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!" He screamed at an incredibly high pitch, which caused the glass in the plane to crack and Claire to cover her ears (Steve, who was listening to Christina Agulara's "Beautiful" blaring over the radio, didn't hear it though).  
  
A grin formed on her lips as she got up, the Tyrant just stood there with a blank look on his face.  
  
"Hiiiiiii-yaaaaaa!" Claire yelled dramatically as she jumped and slammed her fist into the button, falling over in the process. The crate shot forward, smacking right into the Tyrant. Both were sent sliding across the plane, the Tyrant tried to push back, he looked around and stared at the cargo door only a few feet away.  
  
"Oh crap..." The Tyrant muttered. The crate--with him on it--flew right out of the plane and exploded in mid air!  
  
Claire ran up to the cargo door and looked outside, the monster was gone. She beat him!  
  
"I'm sorry, but your flight has been cancelled." She said with a bigass grin. "MUAHAHAHA-WHAA!" she cried as she stumbled and almost fell out of the plane, but she wiggled herself back on and fell on her ass. "Okey, Note: Don't stand near giant open cargo bay door on plane moving a bazillion miles an hour..."  
  
With a proud smile, she turned around and walked back into the cockpit.  
  
Annoying door opening sequence...  
  
Right when she got in, Steve turned around and looked at her, a scarred look on her face. "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!?"  
  
"DAMN I KICK ASS!" Claire yelled, completely ignoring him. Steve sweatdropped as she started dancing like an idiot.  
  
"Yeah I know. ^_^" he said with a big smile. "But I meant what happened?"  
  
"Nothing, just uh...a giant cockroach that had to be stepped on." She said coolly as she walked over to one of the windows.  
  
"Giant cockroaches?" Steve asked. "There were giant cockroaches on that island too?"  
  
Claire sweatdropped, she didn't expect that. "Uh...yeah. ^^;;"  
  
Steve raised an eyebrow. "Jeez..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
This talk of giant cockroaches triggered a self destruct system within Sherry's brain.  
  
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed as she hugged Rebecca tightly and burst into tears. "GIANT COCKROACHES OF EEEEEVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Um...wha?" everyone asked.  
  
Ada sighed. "RE2. Sewers. Claire A Leon B scenario. X_x Giant cockroaches..."  
  
"Oooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!" everyone said. "...wha?"  
  
Leon, Ada, and Sherry fell over. "NEVERMIND!!!"  
  
"Okay! ^_^" Everyone went back to the TV screen.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Chris screamed as he continued to shoot through the air on the rocket-bike. He was flying like this for a few minutes, and he guessed he'd cleared at LEAST 40 miles by now.  
  
He looked down to see a city way down below. Maybe 400 stories down.  
  
"Oh man..." Chris muttered as he noticed the bike was beginning to descend. "I'm SCREEEEWWWEEED!!!!" The bike suddenly dropped like a ton of bricks down into the city below.  
  
-  
  
"Momma Momma look! A man on a big motorcycle is falling from the sky!" A little boy said as he pointed in the sky.  
  
"Of course dear." His mother said, focusing all of her attention on a sports bra in a store window and not on her son.  
  
"...aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!  
  
The whole city block shook as a huge crater appeared in the middle of the street. All the cars screeched to a halt and smoke shot up everywhere.  
  
".....ouch......" Chris muttered as he slowly crawled out of the crater. "...that was not a good idea..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Ewww..." Steve said as he looked down at his still cummy Spongebob Squarepants boxers. "Erm...Claire?"  
  
"Yeah?" Claire asked.  
  
"You wouldn't happen to have anymore tissues would you? ^^;;"  
  
"Nope, sorry." She replied.  
  
"Dang it..."  
  
"But I do have this." Claire said as she pulled out a tampon and placed it in his hand. "Use it wisely."  
  
Steve sweatdropped and nervously stuffed the tampon down his pants. "Thanks."  
  
Beep!  
  
"Ack!" The steering wheel jerked to the right so fast that it sent Steve flipping out of his chair and onto the ground. "Oof!"  
  
"Steve?" Claire asked as she walked up to him. "Are you okay!?"  
  
Steve looked up at her, dazed. "Ye-"  
  
"What the hell happened!?"  
  
The boy slowly stumbled up and sat back in the pilot's chair. He tried to turn the steering wheel back left, but it wouldn't move!  
  
"I don't know!" He said. "The plane just....went into autopilot!"  
  
"NOT AUTOPILOT!!!!" Claire cried as she got in a dramatic pose. "Well, change it back!"  
  
"I caaaaant!" Steve whined. ";_; The controls are locked."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Claire cried again. "...wait, how in the bloody 'ell did it change to autopilot on its own?"  
  
Boop!  
  
Claire and Steve both looked up at the TV screen in the corner to see Alfred's butt ugly face, which was now smeared with makeup.  
  
"Mmmy apologies! But I cannot let you escape now!" Alfred said as he put on some eyeliner. "Hmhmhmhmhmhm! Mmyes, cant you see? You're never going to escape alive! Mhmhmhmhm! Mmyes! I can make your plane go wherever I want it to go! I can take you to the sun if I wanted to!"  
  
"Planes cant go in space." Steve and Claire said matter of factly.  
  
"Well...I can make you drive right into the ocean if I wanted to! I can do anything I want, because I'M IMPORTANT! Mmyes! On a SCALE of one to ten, YOU'RE the one and I'M the ten! THE TEN! Mmmyes! That's MEE!" He started giggling insanely like a little girl until Claire threw her handgun at the screen, shattering it to pieces.  
  
"GODDAMN CROSS DRESSING FREAK!!!!!!" Claire screamed at the top of her lungs.  
  
Steve bashed his head into the control panel. "Arg! I wanted to go to Hawaii! ;_;"  
  
Claire sighed and sat in the co-pilots chair. "Damnit, now where the hell are we going?"  
  
"Only time will tell..." Steve said as he looked out the window dramatically. "Only time will tell..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I bet you $50 they're going to Spain!" Enrico yelled.  
  
"YOU'RE ON!!!" Barry yelled.  
  
"$20 they're going to Canada!" Richard yelled.  
  
"No way, they're going to Mexico!" yelled Carlos.  
  
"RUSSIA!" yelled Ben.  
  
"JAPAN!" yelled Sherry.  
  
"GREAT BRITAIN!" yelled Ark.  
  
"ITALY!" yelled Billy.  
  
"INDIA!"  
  
"NIGERIA!"  
  
"AUSTRALIA!"  
  
"GERMANY!"  
  
"SOUTH AFRICA!"  
  
"SILENCE!!!!!" Ada screamed at the top of her lungs, everyone stopped and looked at her.  
  
"I don't remember a country called Silence..." Barry said, Jill smacked him over the head. "Ouch!"  
  
"Now come on, stop arguing." Ada said. "They're obviously going to China."  
  
"NO WAY!" everyone screamed. They started arguing again.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chris pushed open the double doors of the church and walked in dramatically. The bike had landed only about a block away from a big cathedral; a buncha nuns were prancing around the place doing...whatever nuns do. O_o  
  
He walked further into the cathedral as holy music played in the background; he walked up to a nun and tapped her on the shoulder.  
  
"Excuse me ma'am," the nun turned around and shrieked when she saw the gun in his gun holder thingy.  
  
"We do not allow weapons of death here!" she said.  
  
"Weapons of death? Aren't all weapons deadly?"  
  
"Get out! Please, in the name of God!"  
  
"But I need some directions..." Chris said.  
  
"Just go!" she yelled.  
  
"But..."  
  
"Please!"  
  
"Listen to me goddamnit!" he yelled. Everyone in the whole cathedral gasped and looked at him. He looked around nervously. "I mean..."  
  
-  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" Chris screamed as he was literally thrown out the front doors of the church and onto the stairs by a group of nuns.  
  
"AND DON'T COME BACK, ASSHOLE!" A nun screamed as they slammed a the double doors.  
  
"Yeah well..." Chris slowly stumbled up. "Your choir sucks!"  
  
With a sigh, he turned around and stumbled down the steps. "Man, everyone keeps throwing me out of everything."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Claire sat down on the floor, her back to the wall, and sighed. She pulled out the bottle of Pepsi she had and took a sip. Steve got up and sat down next to her, she looked over at him and said lazily...  
  
"So, what ya got?"  
  
"Sub-Machine Guns, Pepsi (for those who think young), dental floss, machinegun ammo, a quarter, you?" Steve said as he placed all the items in his pocked on the floor.  
  
"Well," Claire said. "Grenade Launcher, Handgun, handgun ammo, grenade rounds, bowgun, first aid spray, some mixed herbs, bike keys, my John Woo School Of Gravity Defying Moves card, a lock pick, a mint, and other crap." She emptied out all of her pockets, filling up half the cockpit.  
  
"O_o Holy CRAP, you have big pockets."  
  
"Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh." Claire said as she got a distant look on her face. "So, now what?"  
  
"I dunno, I guess I'm gonna go to sleep." Steve said as he stretched his arms and yawned.  
  
"Yeah, me too." She said. She laid her head on Steve's shoulder. "Goodnight Steve."  
  
"Goodnight Claire."  
  
....  
  
....  
  
....  
  
"Steve."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I need to go to the bathroom..."  
  
"Oh god..."  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
What will become of Claire and Steve!? Will Chris ever find his sister!? On a scale of one to ten, what are YOU!? Stay tuned and find out on the next exciting episode of RESIDENT EVIL CODE: VERONICA Y!!!!!!! 


	12. Restless Dreams

Here's the next chappy you've been waiting for! This is the end of Disk 1! ^_^ Hope you like!  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
"Well, I'm going home, to heaven or hell or wherever I'm supposed to be since I died like 5 months ago." Enrico said.  
  
"Yeah, me too." The rest of the dead characters said.  
  
"^^;; I just realized we're in the room with dead people." Sherry said. Some scary music played.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!!" Everyone amongst the living screamed and pointed. "ZOMBIES!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh crap..." Richard said. "EVERYONE RUN!"  
  
All the dead characters screamed and ran out the door, dodging an array of shotgun shells, handgun bullets, and grenade rounds fired by all the living characters.  
  
Barry panted. "Phew, that was a close one..."  
  
Rebecca sniffled. ";_; Richard was one of them all along..." with that she buried her face in a random persons chest and cried. This random person happened to be Jill this time.  
  
"............GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY CHEST GODDAMNIT!!!!" Jill screamed as she pushed Rebecca away. Everyone sweatdropped.  
  
"Well," Ark said. "Since I was in the crappyest RE game, and everyone hates me, I'm gonna go too. See ya!"  
  
"Bai!" Everyone yelled as they waved. Ark and the rest of the surviving RESurvivor cast walked out.  
  
"So, now what?" Leon asked.  
  
"Erm...Leon, can I sleep over?" Jill asked. "I really want to make sure Chris and Claire are okay."  
  
"Ooo! I wanna sleep over too!" Becky yelled as she reached out to Claire's sleeping figure on the TV screen. "I will never leave you Claire!!!"  
  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
  
"Eh, I guess I'll sleep over too." Ada said. "This little adventure interests me."  
  
"Me three!!!" Barry yelled.  
  
"If the chicks wanna stay I do too." Carlos said.  
  
Everyone looked at Billy.  
  
"Well?" They all asked.  
  
"-_- Fine, I'll stay the night. But you better not tell the cops." Billy said.  
  
"Okay, we wont tell Leon." Rebecca said. Leon fell over.  
  
"YAAAAAY! SLUMBER PARTY!!!" Sherry yelled as she hopped up and down. "This is gonna be fun!"  
  
"Better get the sleeping bags." Jill said. "I'm hell of tired."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The distant sound of birds chirping was heard...in the distance. The resplendent blue sky shined down upon Claire, a wide smile was on her face. It was a beautiful day outside, and she was on a stroll through the park. The sky was as clear as...a clear sky. She spotted a tree out in a part of the park she didn't see before, and what surprised her was who was IN the tree.  
  
Steve sat on the branch, a benign smile on his face. "Hey Claire!"  
  
Claire smiled. "Oh, hiya Steve!"  
  
"Come on up!" he said as he made a 'come over here' gesture with his left arm. "It's a beautiful day!"  
  
Claire nodded, pulled a ladder out of her pants, and laid it on the tree. She climbed up and kicked the ladder down. She gawked at the beautiful view of the park. "Wow, this three's high!"  
  
"Yeah..." the boy said distantly. After a long pause he looked at Claire. "...hey...Claire?"  
  
"What is it Steve?"  
  
Steve blushed. "I just noticed, we're sitting in a tree..." he looked into her eyes. "Wanna start K-I-S-S-I-N-G?"  
  
She paused and thought for a moment. "...uh...sure! ^_^"  
  
They both grabbed each other's arms and started passionately making out!  
  
CHOP!  
  
The whole tree started shaking suddenly. Causing Claire to scream and Steve to almost fall over. The biker chick looked down to see Chris sitting at the bottom of the tree, an ax in his hand, he was chopping it down!  
  
"GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF OF MY SISTER!!!!!" He screamed as he hacked at the stump.  
  
Steve's eyes widened. "Oh crap..."  
  
"CLAIRE! WHAT DID I TELL YOU!?" The S.T.A.R.S. member screamed.  
  
Claire sighed. "No kissing till your married, I know I know. Chris, why can't you just leave me alone!?"  
  
"Yeah, leave us alone!" Steve yelled as he shook his fist in mock anger.  
  
"Hell no! This is my SISTER we're talking about, asshole!" Chris yelled as he violently hacked through until the tree began to fall over. "TIMBBBBBEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!"  
  
"AAAAHHHHH!!!!"  
  
The tree crashed to the ground and Chris ran after Steve, swinging the ax around. "DIIIIEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHHH AGAIN!!!!!!!!" Steve cried as he ran as fast as he could, Chris was still slowly gaining on him until he was suddenly fell over as the Tyrant jumped in the middle of them, causing Claire to jump.  
  
Claire pointed and squealed. "AAAIIIIIIEEEE! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!!!"  
  
"Muahahah! I will never die!" The Tyrant yelled triumphantly as he grabbed Claire and ran.  
  
Claire cried. "AH! CHRIS! STEVE! HELP MEEEEEEHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Don't worry Claire," Steve said. "I'll-" he was interrupted as Chris smacked him over the back of the head with the dull end of the ax. "OWIE!!! X_x" with that, he passed out.  
  
"I WONT LET YOU TAKE MY SISTER AWAY!!!!!" Chris yelled as he ran after the Tyrant, swinging the ax around like some sorta ax murderer. He tripped and fell flat on his face. "OOF!"  
  
"--;;; God you guys suck..." Claire muttered.  
  
"Muahaha! No one will save you!" The Tyrant yelled. "You're mine now!"  
  
Claire's facial expression suddenly changed from an afraid look to a lusty look as she stared at the Tyrant. " ...ya know..." she poked him in the abs. "Oh Mr. Tyrant...you're so..." she licked her lips and got a hungry look on her face. "strong..."  
  
-  
  
Claire's eyes widened and she immediately sat up, screaming and glistening in sweat. She put her hand to her head and shook it. "What the hell was THAT supposed to mean!?"  
  
She turned and looked at the sleeping Steve. His left arm was still wrapped around her waste, his head resting on the planes control panel. He was sucking his right thumb and mumbling something about cracker jacks. Needless to say, it looked cute and creepy at the same time. Claire smiled, that boy was really growing up on her.  
  
It was dark; she must of only been asleep for half an hour or so. They both still had no idea where they were going, and she still couldn't believe how she and Steve managed to go to the bathroom, but she really didn't want to remember THAT particular experience.  
  
She sighed as she looked out the window. They were in a deathtrap, and they had no idea where they were going...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So...tired..." Chris said as he dragged himself up to the hotel clerks' desk. The clerk looked at him with distain.  
  
"Sorry, no vacancy." The hotel clerk said.  
  
"Listen bub." Chris said. "So far today I have been kicked off a train, blown up, fallen from a bazillion miles in the air, almost got shot to death repeatedly, almost got HACKED to death, and got kicked out of a cathedral to roll down an aggravatingly long stairs. I'M NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY! NOW LET ME IN THIS HOTEL OR I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!"  
  
The hotel clerk raised an eyebrow. "Well, in that case..."  
  
-  
  
"NOT AGAAAAAAIIIIINNNN!!!!" Chris cried as a bunch of brutes literally threw him out the back door of the hotel and into a pile of trash. "ACK!"  
  
"And don't come back, punk. Or you'll wish you never were born a man!" With that, the brutes slammed the door closed.  
  
Chris slowly stumbled up and pulled some left over hamburger off of his head. "Yeah well...well..." he snapped his fingers. "Damn...cant think of anything."  
  
With that, he sighed. "Please forgive me Claire..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jill frantically looked both ways down the alley. Sweat formed on her brow and she was panting heavily. She was scared out of her mind; she thought she had killed it. But it was still alive.  
  
That THING was following her...  
  
STOMP!  
  
STOMP!  
  
STOMP!  
  
Adrenalin spilled into her body in a sour, jittery flood as Jill spun around and ran down the left alley. 'Oh god he FOUND me!!!' she screamed in her mind. She ran as fast as she could as she could feel the Nemesis sprinting behind her. She cried when she heard it roar like it was right behind her and turned around the corner.  
  
"OOF!" She suddenly felt something hard and soft hit her. She fell back and her eyes widened in horror at what stood before her...  
  
A giant slice of bread...  
  
"No..." She muttered as she backed away, a look of pure terror on her pale face. She spun around and screamed in terror as she saw a second giant slice of bread on the other side. "NO!!!!!!!"  
  
The two slices of bread suddenly slammed right into her, squishing her lightly between the soft slices. She gasped for breath and stuck her head out of the top, frantically trying to get out before it was too late. She felt herself suddenly be lifted into the air by an unknown force. 'NO! NOT THIS WAY!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!!!!'  
  
She screamed at the top of her lungs as she saw a giant Nemesis holding the bread she was in. It opened its mouth wide. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" She screamed. "I'M NOT A SANDWICH!!!!!!"  
  
CRUNCH!!!!  
  
-  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Jill screamed at the top of her lungs as she shot out of the sleeping bag, landing on her feet and getting in a karate pose. She panted heavily as reality suddenly hit her. "Oh...it was only a dream..."  
  
She felt her heart and exhaled. "I thought I became a Jill sandwich..." She sighed and looked around. She felt like she wouldn't be able to sleep a wink if she tried.  
  
It was dark, and the sound of Barry snoring really loudly was heard. She looked around the room. Billy and Rebecca were sleeping next to the TV screen, both their sleeping bags in a sixty-nine position. Barry was sleeping in the corner, sucking his thumb and holding onto a beer bottle like a teddy bear. Carlos was sleeping in the bag next to hers, muttering something about salsa. Sherry was sleeping on the couch, holding a real teddy bear and sucking her thumb too. Leon and Ada musta been sleeping upstairs.  
  
"Man, we should be in Paris or something righting Umbrella..." Jill muttered. "Oh well..." she walked over to the kitchen to get a glass of milk.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Rebecca walked across the beach, feeling the wet sand smushing beneath her feet. She loved days like this, although she was deathly afraid of water since she was almost eaten by a seal when she was little, she really enjoyed days on the beach like this. The resplendent blue sky seemed to smile back at her as she sat down on a blanket and opened a picnic basket.  
  
"Weird, I wonder where everyone else is..." she muttered as she munched on a sandwich. Usually lotsa other people would be on the beach on days like this...  
  
Splash!  
  
Rebecca looked forward as she saw a head come out of the ocean water. A girl was swimming not too far away, her dark hair wet and going down to her shoulders. The rookie S.T.A.R.S. member's eyes widened as the girl in the water got up and started running towards her. Corny romance music played as the girl ran towards Rebecca in slow motion, her hair waving back and forth, her breasts...uh...moving...a lot. O_o  
  
Rebecca suddenly recognized the other woman. "Claire?"  
  
"I've been waiting for you my Becky Wecky." Claire said in a sexy voice. Rebecca giggled and blushed.  
  
"^_______^ You called me Becky Wecky!" She squealed. Claire suddenly jumped into her arms. "W00T! YEAH BABY!" Rebecca cheered.  
  
-  
  
"Ooooohhhhhh Claaaiiirrreeeee..." Rebecca said, her eyes suddenly shot open. ".....damnit! I hate waking up! Arg!"  
  
She sighed and slowly stood up. She felt...really wet. "O_o;;; Ooh it's a good thing no one woke up..."  
  
The rookie got up and walked upstairs to take a shower...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chris walked down the street, bruised and beaten. He had cleared an amazing distance considering he was only traveling for one day, but he was at an end now. He had no money and no way of getting a boat.  
  
"I failed..." He said. "Claire..."  
  
Vrrroooooom!  
  
Chris turned around to see a motorbike speeding towards him. His eyes widened in horror as he saw Elza walked on the bike, speeding towards him, an ax in her hand. Some corny horror music played as she jumped off the bike and started running towards him screaming like the psycho bitch she was.  
  
"AHHHH!!!" Chris yelled as he turned around and started running the usual agonizingly slow run the RE characters do. She swung the ax and he head flew off like volleyball. He fell to the floor and blood floated over his body. The words 'YOU ARE DEAD!' were written in blood...  
  
-  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Chris yelled as he jumped out of the pile of newspapers he was in and started screaming at the top of his lungs. "I DIDN'T SAAVVVEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
He frantically looked around and started digging through the trash. He realized he hadn't saved his progress since he left the house, and he was really friggin paranoid. "TYPEWRITER! DEAR GOD THERE'S GOTTA BE A TYPEWRITER *SOMEWHERE*"  
  
He stopped when he spotted a typewriter atop a crate right next to one of the oversized garbage bins. Some holy music played as an eternal light shined around it. He literally jumped for it, falling right on the floor and clearing about 2 feet. He crawled up the side of the box, grabbed a convenient ink ribbon, jammed it into the typewriter, and started typing rapidly.  
  
'Chris/01/Really Dirty Back Alley Of The Hotel Some Assholes Kicked Me Out Of'  
  
"Phew!" He said as he finished typing. "Now I feel better..." he looked around to see that it was like 7:00AM, the sun was already beginning to rise. "CLAIRE!!!!! I SHALL FIND YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!"  
  
Regardless of the fact that he was covered in trash and his clothes and hair was messed up--making him look like a hobo--he ran out of the alley and down the street screaming of how he's gonna rescue his sister. O_o;;;  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Steve's eyes widened as he saw Claire cornered into the...corner. Alfred stood a few feet in front of her, aiming the sniper rifle at her and grinning insanely.  
  
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!" Claire cried. "SOMEONE SAVE MEEEEHHHH!!!!"  
  
"You can't escape me NOW, Redfield!" Alfred yelled as he put up the laser scope and aimed it at Claire's head, yes, he actually NEEDS the scope even at point blank range. O_o;;;  
  
"DON'T WORRY CLAIRE!!!" Steve yelled. "I'LL SAVE YOOOOUUU!"  
  
The Mighty Mouse theme played as he started running towards them, tearing off his jacket to reveal a superman outfit, the words 'SW' written on the chest part. He jumped and kicked Alfred in the back of the head, sending the guy flying right into the wall.  
  
"OWIE!" He cried. Steve grabbed Claire and in a huge gust of wind shot up into the air like a bullet.  
  
"Oh Steve!" Claire yelled. "You're my herrooooo!"  
  
"Never fear! Stevie Wonder is here!" Steve yelled as he thrust his fist forward in a classic superman pose and started shooting through the air, holding Claire with one arm.  
  
"CURSE YOU STEVIE WONDER!!!!!" Alfred screamed as he shook his fist. "The war is one but the BATTLE IS NOT OVER!!!"  
  
-  
  
"Yeah...I'm so badass..." Steve muttered in his sleep. With that, he woke up. "Dang, just a dream..."  
  
Some REALLY relaxing music played as it showed a close-up of Claire and Steve. Claire was peacefully sleeping on Steve's shoulder, making a very cute scene. There was a thick fog outside the window, but you can tell it was daylight at this point, maybe early morning. Claire moved slightly so she wasn't resting on Steve's shoulder anymore and was instead looking the other direction. Steve looked at her slowly and corny love music began to play.  
  
'Man maybe killing daddy and getting shot in the arm and being kidnapped and missing Christmas wasn't so bad after all if I get to hang out with a hot chick like this...' he thought. Yes, he thinks Claire is THAT hot. ^_^ 'And maybe now I can prove to those bungholes that I'm not gay!'  
  
He kept his gaze on her as she slept peacefully. He didn't like her much at first--she wasn't the nicest girl around to horror game n00bs--but now she seemed like a great person. She had comforted him when he needed her; she had retrieved the machine guns for him and had even saved his life. Not to mention the fact she had given him a reason to go on and given him some chances to act cool.  
  
'I wonder if she's single...' he thought as he slowly edged closer and closer to her. He closed his eyes and puckered his lips as he came closer to her own.  
  
"Oooh Leon, why won't you touch me there?" Claire muttered in her sleep as she moved again, Steve sweatdropped and backed away. Claire rubbed her crotch and rolled over. "Yeah...that's better..."  
  
Steve sighed and got up, walking over to the window and placing his hand on it. He aggregately bashed his hand on the window; causing it to crack a bit and making him jump back. "O_o;; Oops..."  
  
His put his head closer to the glass so his nose was pressed against it. It was friggin cold! He couldn't see anything outside. "Hey, where the hell are we!?"  
  
"Ohwha?" Claire asked stupidly as she woke up and looked at him. Steve walked over to the control panel and looked at the radar. Claire walked over to the window he was standing by earlier.  
  
"Latitude: 81.7..." He started, and then realized he didn't really know where the hell that was. "Um...I think that's the..." He trailed off. Claire looked down outside to see some mountains and an huge open plain, the whole scene sheeted in incredibly thick and white snow.  
  
"HOLY CRAP! WE'RE OVER THE FRIGGIN ANTARCTIC!" Steve exclaimed.  
  
"WHAT!!!!?" Claire asked. She turned and ran over to Steve. While in mid run everything suddenly went to FMV graphics, the change from crappy normal to kickass FMV made her fall over and land flat on her face. "Oof!"  
  
"You okay?"  
  
Claire gave him a thumbs up. "I'm okey!"  
  
Some action music played as Steve sat down in the pilot's chair and looked through the window to see a large structure rooted into the snow. There were also many smaller structures around it. His eyes widened as he saw several seaplanes like the one they were in, littered around the base. All of them were crashed and in flames.  
  
At this point, Claire got back up and looked over through the window with him. "Hey, those are the seaplanes that left the island right before us!"  
  
Steve's eyes widened. "Then that must mean..." he gasped dramatically and looked at Claire, she looked back at him.  
  
"THIS PLACE BELONGS TO UMBRELLA!!!!" they both screamed in unison and then broke down crying in each other's arms. "WAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Hey...Steve..." Claire said.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Seaplanes are meant to land on water, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then that means we have no landing gear..."  
  
Both Claire and Steve look at you and start screaming, then they started frantically grabbing for their seatbelts as the plane got closer and closer to the ground floor at top speed.  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
The plane hit the ground hard, immediately shattering the pontoons like glass. The shrill sound of metal VS concrete echoed throughout the whole area, as it started violently skidding across the icy runway. It's skidding came to a halt as ran nose first right into the main part of the facility, smashing through and coming to a complete stop. Chunks of concrete fell and into a deep mine below.  
  
And there was nothing but icy silence from then on...  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
Ooooo! Another cliffhanger! Are Claire and Steve still alive!? Will Chris ever rescue his little sister!? Does Jill make a good sandwich!? Stay turned and find out on the next exciting chapter of RESIDENT EVIL CODE: VERONICA Y: DISK 2!!!!!!!!!!! 


	13. The Beginning of Disk 2

**A/N:** _Holy crap man, I haven't updated in a while! ^^;;/obvious_

I kinda took a break from fanfiction.net for the summer, and a buncha bad crap happened, but none of you care about any of that. ^^;; The important thing is that I'm back! Yey!

_I actually wrote like half of this chapter a month and a half ago, but it got deleted. e.e So I had to rewrite it, and the rewrite doesn't seem as good as the original, but ah well. Crap happens._

_Ooh yeah, and no I'm not Legendary Frog. This fic though was inspired by his two flash videos I saw, "Resident Evil: Flash Edition", and "I Am Resident Evil". If you haven't seen them yet, you defiantly should! You can find em on Newgrounds.com, that's the only site I know they're at. So…yeah. ^^;;_

_ I only own the Sega Dreamcast version of Resident Evil CODE: Veronica X, and on that version there are two disks. So..yeah, this is where disk 2 starts off. I guess you can think of the past few months as the intermission or whatever. ^^; Anycrap, on with the fanfic! I hope you like this chappy, and if you don't…eh…that sucks. O_o****_

****

**_RESIDENT EVIL CODE: VERONICA Y_**

****

**_DISK 2!!!!!!!!!!!111111SHIFT+1!!!!!!_**

[insert lame dramatic music here]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The shattered control panel of the cargo plane cracked and buzzed. The sound of ice-cold silence reverberated throughout the building. Claire Redfield and Steve Burnside's limp bodies lay sprawled out on the plane floor. Regardless of the fact that they were sitting in the chair without their seatbelts, they were in the middle of the plane floor. Claire groaned lightly and shook.

"Oooooooohhhhh…"

She opened her eyes slowly, really dizzy from the crash. She slowly got up and got in a really flexible position only girls can do, she looked over at Steve and shook his arm.

"Hey, Steve, wake up." She said.

"Yeah…ya know I love my waffles that way…" Steve muttered.

"WAKE UP DAMNIT!!!!!!"

"AHHHHH!!!!! DON'T EAT ME!!!!!!!" Steve yelled as he suddenly sat up with a horrified look on his face. "…oh…^^;; hi Claire."  
  


Claire waved. "Hi Steve! ^_^" 

Steve looked around. "W-what happened?"

"Well, from the looks of it the plane crashed." Claire said. "But that's just a guess."  
  


"We're…STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????" Steve said.

"We are?" Claire felt her breasts. "YAY! We're alive! W00t!"

*~*~*Laterness…*~*~*

BAM! BAM! BAM!

The door flew off its hinges and fell onto the cold steel walkway below. Steve hopped out of the plane, fell ten feet, and landed on the floor. He turned around and reached his arms out to Claire.

………

………

"Come on Claire! Jump!"

"Hell no!" Claire yelled. "I ain't jumpin that far!"

"Come on, it's only, like, 10 feet! And I'll catch you!"

"What if you don't?"  
  


Steve eyed the big chasm that the catwalk they were on was hanging over. "Then you'll hit the railing, painfully slide off, and fall to your death. But come on! It's not like I'm not gonna catch you!"

  
Claire sighed. "Alright. But if I die, I'm gonna kill you! T_T"

"Fair enough." Steve sighed. Claire jumped, quickly crossing the distance between them, and landed in Steve's arms. He accidentally tripped over and fell backwards, Claire landing on top of him. "Oof!" His arms accidentally wrapped around her back, and for a second they were in a close hug.

Some corny love music played again as Steve sweatdropped. Claire slowly lifted partially and looked into his eyes, still on top of him.

…a moment of sexualness…

Claire finally realized what it looked like they were doing and jumped up. "Eww!"

"O__O;; I'm sorry Claire." Steve said and he blushed deeply and covered his crotch. "It was an accident! I didn't mean to get…"

"No, I mean the plane." Claire said as she looked up at the wreck that used to once be the seaplane they were in. Steve sweatdropped. 

"Oh…" he looked up at the plane crash and decided it was time to state the obvious. "Heheh, um…the planes trashed."  
  


"Like, yeah." She sighed and looked around. Then suddenly realized how friggin cold it was and covered her arms with her hands. Now it was her time to state the obvious. "It's getting cold in here!"  
  


"So put on all your clothes!" Steve sang as he started dancing like a dork. Claire raised an eyebrow; Steve stopped and looked around too. "We'd better find another way out of this oversized freezer."

"Yeah." Claire said. They both looked around some more. "So…um…let's split up."

"Why?"  
  


"Because!"

"Oh, okay!"

Steve turned and ran down the catwalk, then climbed down the ladder and disappeared into a plothole. Claire sighed and rubbed her arms to keep warmer. "Well…this sucks."

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Rebecca! Open up! I need to take a shower too ya know!" Jill said as she pounded the bathroom door with her fist. "You've been in there for three hours!"

"Hey! It's MY house and I can take a shower whenever I want."

"This isn't your house! It's Leon's house!" Jill said, slightly annoyed. "Isn't that right Leon?"

"Yeah!" Leon shouted from downstairs.

"Ooh yeah…" Rebecca's voice said. "Um…okay, just ninety-two more minutes."

Jill fell over. "Come on! You're clean! Get out!"

"NEVAAAAAAAH!!!"

"_GET OUT OR I'M BREAKING THE GOSH DARN DOOR DOWN!!!!_"__

"My ass you will."  
  


"Grr!" Jill turned around. "BARRY!!!!!!"  
  


*~*~*_2 Seconds Later…_*~*~*

"Yes ma'am!?" Barry asked as he zoomed up to Jill, stood straight up, and saluted.

"Break down this door!"

"YES SIR!!!!"  
  


"Grr…"

"_I MEAN MA'AM, SIR!!!!!_"  
  


"Thank you."

Barry walked up to the door, pulled out the Colt .64 HHPXQ 97 Magnum Revolver with a duel caliber handle and and shot the lock with it, causing it to explode into fragments of metal and door lockyness. Then he casually opened the door and stepped in.

  
"_OKAY!!! DAMNIT!! GET THE HELL OUT!! DAMNIT!!! ON JILL'S ORDER!!! DAMNIT!!!!_"

………

Jill slapped her forehead. "Barry, that's the CLOSET door! The bathroom door's in front of me!"

"…oh. ^^;;"

Jill sighed. "You're an idiot. e.e"

Billy walked by. "What's the problem here, guys?"

"_REBECCA WON'T GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!!!!_" Jill cried.

"I'm breaking the door down!" Barry yelled.

"Wait! Hold it a sec!" Billy said calmed. He leaned next to the door and knocked on it lightly. "Yo Becca, get out of the shower please."

"Okay!" Rebecca's voice was heard saying on the other end of the door. Then she opened it. Steam flew out of the door and sexy music played as she walked out wearing nothing but a towel. "It's aaaallll yoooooours, man." She said as she walked passed Jill.

Jill fell over. "HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?"

Billy shrugged. "Rebecca will do anything if you say please."

Jill sighed and stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

  
"A thank you would be nice." Billy muttered.

Jill ripped the door open and shouted in Billy's face; "_THANK YOU!!!!_" then slammed it in rage. Billy sweatdropped.

"Man, she's weird."

"Yeah…" Barry said.

"Hey guys! Claire and Steve are awake!" Sherry shouted from downstairs.

"YAY!" Rebecca yelled as she ran down stairs in nothing but a towel. Billy and Barry sighed and followed her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Claire opened the steel door and stepped in.

It was the only door in the main room she hadn't checked yet. The door that was right behind where the plane crashed—the door to the VTLMAO Jet Hanger—was locked, to her extreme disappointment. Since it was the door to the hanger, she was pretty sure that it'd conveniently be the last door she finds a key to in this oversized freezer. The other door she tried was a set of double doors that led into the second floor of a big room that didn't really have anything useful in it anyway.

This room was very foggy for some reason. So foggy she could barely see where she was going. But from the looks of it, it was a bunker. The soft tap of her shoes on the floor was the only sound she could hear as she walked in, making her feel uneasy.

"Hello?" Claire asked. "Anybody there?"

"No." about ten voices responded.

"Dang…"

She walked more into the room and gasped dramatically when she saw that the room was littered with dead bodies. Bodies hung off blood-splattered beds, bodies on the floor. Any other woman running out of the room screaming bloody murder, but, of course, it didn't phase Ms. Redfield at all.

Sighing, she stepped over the bodies and walked over to one of the beds. She noticed a small book on one of the bloody beds next to a body. She sat on the bed, grabbed the book, and opened it.

_'October 30th_

_When I joined Umbrella Inc., I thought everything would be easy, and I could live care free for the rest of my life. In the ad they had for it in the newspaper, they promised life would kick ass working with them, they promised free beer and porn, they promised everything would be easy. Hah, what a joke. I ended up being a friggin truck driver in this frozen hellhole. I asked for a position change, but all they did was beat me down with a club for that. It feels more like a prison! Work is hell of hard, and they don't even have Sega! I'd rather be an undead zombie!_

_November 3rd_

_My hard-earned vacation was cancelled suddenly. Apparently the facility head, Alfred Ashford, lost a game of chess and went on a killing spree again. Since he killed about ¼ of the whole friggin facility staff, we need more manpower, which means they need me, which means no trip to Hawaii for me. Goddamnit. That assmunch doesn't deserve to be forgiven. He doesn't even treat us like human beings!_

_November 5th_

_I heard an interesting story from a dude who's been working here for 8 years. He must be awfully patient, eh? He says there is a man who's been confined here for 10 years, locked deep down below. People here call him "Nosferatu", and I have no friggin idea why. But isn't that a freaky ass name? I mean, say it out loud. Nosferatu. It's freaky, yo! Anycrap, I bet it's not true. But it doesn't make sleeping at night any easier._

_November 10th_

_At midnight, I woke up to an ominous growling sound. At first I thought it was one of my roomies farting, but I soon realized it was coming from underground. It friggin scared the HELL out of me, man! I'm so pathetic to be frightened by such a foolish story. But I suppose anyone would have a hard time keeping their sanity if they were confined in an oversized freezer like this place!'_

Claire closed the book. "Hmm…I sense a boss…or something…blah, oh well."

She closed the book and shoved it down her pants into her personal library for later use and turned to the lockers behind her, in the corner of the room. Opening them, she found a box of handgun bullets, an F. Aid Spray, and some Bowgun powder.

Shhhhh_-phht!_

Claire jumped at the corny sound effect and whirred around. The body of the zombie—the one that had been laying half on and half off the bed—had strangely fallen off for no reason at all and was now on the floor.

'_FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!_' a voice in her head screamed.

Claire jumped and covered her ears. "OW! Not so loud!"

'_Sorry…_'

"It's okay."

The zombie on the floor sweatdropped when he was Claire talking to herself. When she looked back at him, he closed his eyes again and played dead.

Claire looked around again and started walking forward. Suddenly, horror music started playing and the body that fell off the bed got up in front of her!!

"Ahh. Scary. I never saw it coming." Claire said in a monotone voice. Suddenly all the other bodies in the room got up too! "Eh…crap…"

"Time to die little girl!!" the zombies yelled…uh…evilly!!

Claire pulled out her bowgun; all the zombies stopped and burst out laughing. 

"You think you can beat us with a puny little gun like that!?" the closest zombie asked. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" one zombie laughed.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" another zombie laughed.

"GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHUHUHEHEHAHUHAWEEEE!!!!" a third zombie laughed. All the other zombies stopped and looked at him. "What?"

  
The other zombies raised and eyebrow, then turned back to Claire. "Anycrap, prepare to die!"

"FEEL THE WRATH OF TEH SUPER BOWGUN!!!!" Claire shouted, then she pulled the trigger and an arrow with a gun-powdered tip flew and hit the zombie in front of her, causing him to explode!

…

Claire blew smoke off the tip of the gun and gave the other zombies a pissed off look. "Next!"

"AHHHHHHH!!!!" all the other zombies turned and ran away screaming.

"Antarctic Zombies, meet Claire Redfield." She said as she got in a stupid pose.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chris walked up to the clothes rack and looked through the different outfits. He had entered the mall and was looking for something new to wear.

"Excuse me?"

"AHHH!!!" Chris screamed and covered his face. "DON'T KICK ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!"

"O__o;;" The man raised an eyebrow. "Hey, I'm not kicking you out."

"Phew…" Chris said as he held his heart. "Listen man, I haven't had a very good day and…"

"Good golly gosh!" the man said. "You look _terrible_!"

Chris sighed. "I'm sorry for freaking out your customers, but I'm not a hobo! I swear! I'll leave now if ya want…"  
  


"Ooh heck nah!" the man said. "I am giving you a makeover, NOW! It should be illegal for people to walk around like you!"  
  


"Really? O_o"

"Yes really! Come on!" With that, he pushed Chris into the dressing room.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Claire stepped into the office. After going through the bunker, she had finished looking through everyone reachable room on the first floor. Now she was in the basement first floor, she had walked down the stairs, down the hall, and into the door directly across from it.

She jumped when she heard a freaky rattling noise coming from the back of the room. It immediately had her on edge; she looked around wondering what the hell that noise could be and where it was coming from. "What the hell could that noise be? And where is it coming from?"

There was an item box right next to her, and a typewriter on the desk ahead. But there was no calming save room music playing, just that friggin freaky sound. She opened the item box to see that it had all the items that she had left in it in Rockfort Island. 

"God I love magical item boxes." She said as she put her grenade launcher in it, leaving open some more space in her bigass pockets.

That shaking, rattling noise was still there, and it was beginning to aggravate her rather than scare her now. She walked up to the bookcase it was coming from and noticed there was air coming from the other end of the bookcase. She easily pushed the bigass bookcase backwards, revealing a secret hall. "Man, that was a piece of crap hidden passage there."

The noise was louder now than ever before, she turned to see a locker at the end of the small passage that was shaking violently. "Ooooh crap, I've GOT to open it now. o_o;;"

She slowly inched closer to the shaking locker, a rat of fear gnawing in the back of her mind. Right when she got about a foot away from the locker, it burst open, causing her to scream at the top of her lungs and jump out of the way as something flew out at her. It missed her by a few inches and landed on the floor.

Claire turned and looked at what popped out of the locker and her eyes widened in horror.

It was a mouse.

"…" Claire fell over. "Damnit! I just got scared crapless by a mouse!!?"

The mouse tilted his head and gave her a pissed off look. Then it flipped her off and crawled away.

"Stupid mouse…" she muttered. She turned back around, finally catching her breath, and looked into the locker. There was a very fancy looking letter. She picked it up and somehow read it, even though it was friggin dark as hell in the room.

_'Sir Alfred…er…Betty,_

_Please forgive me, as I must tell you of my abrupt departure by leaving this letter. I first served your father, Lord Alexander, and have for so long shared in the joys and sorrows of the Ashford Family. Lord Alexander disappeared unexpectedly 15 years ago, then an accident during an experiment took the life of our Alexia. I'm just reminding you of these two horrible tragedies in case you forgot._

_You were forced to become the master of the family at a very young age, and nearly (okay, fully) lost your sanity from the sorrow of having lost all your family members at once. There was nothing I could do, and I felt powerless. But hey, I'm a butler, I'm supposed to feel powerless I guess. I first thought that I should kill myself to apologize. I then realized that it would be an insult to our dear Lord Alexander and Alexia in the other world…besides, dieing sucks._

_Jack Hoff_

_Butler, Ashford Family'_

"Eh…poor Alfred…" Claire said. "….wait a sec, Alfred's a sick bastard. Screw him."

She looked in the locker again to see there was a button. "Oooooo! What does thiiiis button doooo?" she pressed the button.

Click.

…

…

…

"Damnit, they got me all excited!" she shouted. "I guess the power to this base is out…which means I must turn the power generator on!! Yes, I shall do it!" she raised her first into the air. "But first, I shall save my progress."  
  


She walked over to the typewriter and typed some crap in. After she saved her progress, she walked out of the room. "Time to find that power generator…"


	14. Ice Ice Baby

Chris stared at his reflection in the mirror, feeling really awkward. "Um…sir, I don't think this is the right look for me."

"Mmyes…you're right," the man said. "Too much…Rambo."

Chris stood there, shirtless, wearing baggy blue ripped jeans, some brown shoes, and a headband. He was pretty much covered head-to-toe with tons of bigass guns and ammo.

"What do you propose?"

Chris shrugged. "I dunno. It's probably gonna be freezing cold there on that island, so I should defiantly wear a thin T-Shirt and a vest."

"You need a new look though." The man said. "Hmm…follow me." He grabbed Chris's arm and yanked him out of the dressing room before he could even say anything.

---_A few minutes later…_---

Chris stared into the mirror once again, feeling even more uncomfortable in this new outfit than he was in the other one.  
  
"Hmmm…too much…Underworld." The other man said.  
  
The S.T.A.R.S. officer stood again, wearing a skin-tight black vampire outfit, bigass boots, and an extremely long black trench coat with Gothic artwork on the back of it.

"Oooh wait, I know what'd be just perfect for you!"

"But—" Chris wasn't able to finish his sentence before the man grabbed him and pulled him out of the dressing room again.

---_Third time's the charm…_---

Chris looked down at his new outfit, feeling rather pleased. "Hey, I like this one."

He was wearing a thin green S.T.A.R.S. shirt with a black S.T.A.R.S. vest over it, along with green camouflage pants, black combat boots, and black fingerless gloves. He was actually feeling pretty cool.

"Ah, yes. Perfect." The man said with a big grin on his face. "We're not done with you yet, though."

"What do you mean?" Chris asked questionably as he raised his eyebrow.

"Your hair is a mess! It must be fixed! Come, follow me!" the man pranced out of the dressing room. Sweatdropping, Chris followed not too far behind him.

---_Meanwhile…_---

'_This friggin figures. I shoulda brought a jacket, or at least a bra_.'

Claire shivered and rubbed her arms as she stepped once again into the ice-cold hallway. The repetitive monotone tap of her feet against the ground was the only sound she heard as she walked down the hall. She stopped at the fork and turned the corner, and gasped in horror at what she saw.

The corpse of a human was plastered to the ceiling with thick webbing, and a soft squishy sound was protruding from its body. Suddenly, a bigass purple moth flew off of its back and fluttered around after laying eggs in the mangled bodies back.

"…I hate my life." Claire said with a sigh.

The moth heard her (or whatever), turned, and suddenly shot towards her. "EEEEEWWW! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Immediately, she pulled out the handgun, closed her eyes, and pulled the trigger. The silence of the room was pierced by the roar as the handgun as it released rapid semi-automatic fire everywhere, coating every square inch of the room with bullets as Claire let out a long battle cry. "YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

-_Click click!_

The clip was empty. She opened her eyes and sweatdropped when she saw bullet holes in literally every single square inch of the room. "…Jeez, this gun musta had a lot more ammo than I thought. Oo"

She looked around the hall, and spotted the moth standing on the only part of the whole room that she hadn't managed to shoot. "…Oh goddamnit."

The moth leaped off the wall and fluttered towards her once again, Claire screamed and raised the handgun again, reloading, aiming, and firing once. The bullet clipped the moth's wing and it fell to the floor, looking like it was spazing out. Claire grinned and stomped her foot down on it, crushing it. She let out a sigh of relief.

FLUTTERING NOISE!!!!!

Claire jumped around and sweatdropped when she saw there were about 5 more moths from where the first one came from now, all fully grown already and ready to kill. "…oh goddamnit!!"

Quickly turning around, Claire ran down the hall and grabbed the double doors at the end, yanking them open. She ran through and slammed the doors shut just in time to avoid the moths. She let out another sigh of relief, and then looked around the new room.

"…oh _GODDAMNIT!!!_" She groaned in aggravation as a whole crapload of zombies surrounding the door turned to her. Letting out another sigh of annoyance, she held up her handgun.

---_Later…_---

The brunette haired girl casually stepped over the crapload of zombie corpses she just pumped full of led and walked up the short steps that lead to a gray door. She put her hand on the handle and turned, only to be annoyed by the sound of a locked door.

"It's locked." She said to herself. "The door is labeled 'Mining Room'" sighing in aggravation, she walked back down the steps. "I shoulda figured half the friggin complex would be locked."

The room was dead silent, other than her footsteps and breath. It was kinda freaky, really, the first time it's been so quiet around her in a long time. She walked over to what looked like a conveyer belt. There was a brown box on it with a label saying "Anti-B.O.W. gas, Handle with care."

"A box full of gas?" Claire raised an eyebrow. Looking over to the switch next to the box, the biker chick couldn't help but reach out and pull it down. She was sadly disappointed when it didn't do anything. "Damnit, forgot about the lack of powerness…"

With another annoyed groan, she turned and walked around the big mechanism. There were two more doors in the room, both double doors. Her brown eyes stared upon the one labeled 'B.O.W.'. Then she looked at the one farther down the room, labeled 'Weapon'. Since the latter sounded a lot more helpful, she walked to the Weapon's room and tried to open the door.

But before she could, time froze. "wtf?" she asked in confusion, she couldn't move at all.

Little did she know that RIGHT ABOVE HER THERE WAS SOMETHING SHINY ON THE CONVEYER BELT!!!!

After a few seconds of stillness, she suddenly was able to move her hand again. Sweatdropping, she pushed into the Weapon's room.

---_Back to Chris_----

"No really, we don't need to do this. My hair isn't that impo—" Chris wasn't able to finish his sentence as the man shoved his face into a soapy sink.

"Nonsense! You're a video game character, you must be beautiful!"

He pulled Chris's head out of the water. The cop screamed in pure agony. "OOH GOD IT BURNS—" the man shoved his face back in the water, then pulled him out. "Jeez, don't you only need to shove my hair in the water!?"

"Usually, but might as well beautify your face while we're at it." With that, he shoved Chris's face in the sink once again.

"GAH!"

He pulled Chris's head back out of the sink and moved the chair he was in into an upright position. The man then pulled out some bigass scissors and a comb. "I know what cut would be just perfect for you."

"B-b-but…"

"No buts. Just cuts." The man started rapidly combing and cutting Chris's hair.

---_Back to Claire…_----

"Holy crap it's dark in here." Claire said, slightly freaked out. The room was almost pitch black, but she could hear the moans of several zombies.

'_Shit, I can't see anything!_' trying not to panic, the girl looked around, trying to figure out which direction the moans were coming from. One was VERY close, she could tell. '_Shitshitshitshit! What am I gonna do!?_'

And then it hit her. '_Aha! That's it!_'

Claire raised up her handgun to aim, and her body suddenly moved to the left. She opened fire immediately, pleased to hear the sound of the bullets hitting the zombie's torso, and seeing flashes of it's body falling as she opened fire. It hit the floor, dead once again.

"I love auto-aim." Claire let out a relieved sigh. She turned and walked forward till she ran into what felt like some sort of shelf full-o-crap. Upon closer look, she noticed it was. This part of the room wasn't as dark, and her eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness anyway. She heard another moan close by, aimed up, turned, and opened fire once again. The thud of a zombie's body was heard, making her smile with delight. She looked down and sweatdropped at the zombie's glow-in-the-dark-blood, which oozed out everywhere. "Interesting…"

Another moan not too far away. Claire cautiously walked forward until suddenly she felt something grab her shoulder. "GAH!" the zombie bit into her arm, causing pixelly glow-in-the-dark-blood to fly everywhere. She quickly responded and pushed as hard as she could, knocking the zombie over. Immediately, her aimed her handgun down and fired a few rounds into its flesh, being rewarded with yet more glow-in-the-dark blood on the floor.

"Sheesh kabob this T-Virus is weird…"

There was something extremely shiny on what looked like the sorter of the conveyer belt, so shiny that it signed extremely bright in almost pitch-black darkness. Grabbing it, she read the label on the key. "Take the Mining Room Key? Yes-No? Yes. You've taken the Mining Room Key." Putting it in her back pocket, she looked around the room more. Better check the rest of the room before going back to the mining room door.

"Ooooh…" a distant zombie moaned.

Claire, now in Caution, clutched her shoulder and ran farther into the room, around a gate, and into a sort of weapons locker area. Raising her handgun, she shot the zombie a few feet in front of her to the ground, then unloaded the last few bullets in her handgun into it's body.

"Grrr…I need more ammo."

She decided to check the lockers just in case, even though—as it usually turned out to be in the past—there'd probably be nothing useful in them. The girl was proven wrong when she opened the locker on the far end.

Her eyes lit up as she saw an Assault Rifle lying in one of the lockers. "Fuck yeah!!!" she grabbed it and looked down at its fully automatic beauty. "Now _this _is what I'm talking about!" She shoved it down her pants—completely defying the laws of physics—and happily walked around.

At the end of the room was a stack of missiles ("Gee, I wonder what these could possibly be for…" Claire had wondered), a corpse of an Umbrella worker, and a locked…locker, with some explosives strangely attached to it. She noticed a conveniently placed detonator in the hand of the Umbrella worker, picked it up, and—with a bigass grin on her face—stuck it onto the locker. "Yay! I'll make it go KA-BOOM!"

…

…

…

After a minute of standing there, waiting for the locker to blow up or something, Claire sighed in aggravation. Upon closer inspection, she realized the detonator was heat-sensitive. "Grrr! Of course. The ONE time I really need that old piece of crap lighter Chris gave me, I don't have it." With another sigh, Claire turned and walked back out of the Weapon's Room.

When she opened the door back into the conveyer belt room thing, she was surprised to see a single zombie standing at the far end of the room, as if it was waiting for her. For once it actually kind of creeped her out. Letting out a groan of zombie-ness, the corpse stumbled towards her.

"Hahah, time to test out my new weapon!" Claire grinned and pulled out the Assault Rifle. "Say hello to my little friend!!" She pulled the trigger back and a whole crapload of bullets began to unload into the zombie's body, causing it to kinda tweak out as round after round of bullets steamed into it.

-_Ratatatatatatatatatatata!_

---_5 Minutes Later…_---

-_Ratatatatatatatatatatatata!_

After taking in 50,000 bullets, the zombie fell to the floor. Claire stared back down at the gun in disbelief.

"…goddamnit, this gun friggin sucks!"

Figures, eh? Even more disappointed than before, Claire ran into the B.O.W. room.

-_Thudthudthudthudthudthudthudthud!_

Claire raised an eyebrow at the immediate noise she heard when she entered the room. "What the _fuck_ is that?"

On que, a bigass black widow crawled—hell, it friggin ran—around the corner, scaring the shit out of our favorite protagonist. "Crap!"

Aware of the assault rifle's suckyness, but too freaked out to pull out a different weapon, Claire fired into the black widow as fast as she could, but it just kept on crawling forward, barely being phased by the onslaught of ammo. "Crap!!!"

The spider reached her, and did something that the spiders in Raccoon City wouldn't dare do. It grabbed her shoulders with two of its legs, pulled her down, and dove it's face into her cleavage. It bit down on her, causing the biker to go bonkers and bitch slap the spider over the face. It fell over, shook its head, and charged at her again. Claire opened fire again, except this time the bullets literally caused it's bulbous butt to explode, splattering the walls with goop. But even without the second half of its body, the spider marched on forward. "**_CRAP!!!!!_**"

It jumped at her in a desperate attempt to knock her over. Before it could reach her though, the rifle's bullets finally seemed to take another lasting effect on it. It fell to the floor, curled up, and died.

Claire just stood there in shock at the event, her eyes wide, staying silent. Still in shock, she put the assault rifle away and pulled out her bowgun with Bow Gun Powder. More thuds were heard from inside the room, warning her that there was at least one more spider with her. She walked forward and turned the corner to see her assumptions were correct. A black widow, just like the one before it, charged at her. But this time she was prepared, and had a much better weapon. She aimed the Super Bow Gun and fired; the gun-powdered arrow hit the spider square in the face, causing it to explode. It flew back; only to be hit with more and more arrows as Claire rapidly pulled the trigger. It eventually curled up and died just like the other one.

"Phew…"

-_Thudthudthudthudthud!_

Claire looked down beneath the metal grating that was the floor and saw a spider underneath it, then fell over.

---------

Sherry Birkin hugged Rebecca close. "Spiders scaaaare meeeee!" she cried.

"Awww, don't worry Sherry." Rebecca said sweetly, trying to assure the girl. "They're only giant mutant man-eating monsters. I'm sure they're more afraid of us than we are of them."

"I'm making coffee. Anyone want any?" Leon asked as he walked to the kitchen. Everyone raised their hands in response, including Sherry. The ex-R.P.D. rookie sweatdropped. "…I guess I'm gonna need a few cups."

Jill sighed as she leaned on the wall, her hair still wet from the shower. "Where the hell are you, Chris?" she whispered worriedly.

---_Meanwhile…_---

"Wow…just…wow." Chris couldn't believe his eyes as he looked at his new haircut. His hair was now a darker shade of brown, spiked; stiff, and he even had a little lock of hair hanging down to his forehead, making him look very action-heroish. "I look cool!"

The man stood beside him and grinned. "I'm such a genius."

"Thank you, man!" Chris looked at him, smiling brightly. His smile soon faded. "But…eeer…I don't have any money or anything…" he backed away, waiting for the man to kick him out or throw him in a dumpster or something.

"Oh don't worry about it!" the man said. "It was worth it to have another beautiful heterosexual male on this planet. Go out there, and find your sister! And when you do, give her my card." He handed Chris a card.

Chris sweatdropped and put it in his pocket. "Um…thanks." He looked around. "Is there a dock or something around here? I need to get to get to Rockfort Island. And I probably need some weapons too…"

"Yeah. There's a dock a few miles from here, and there's a Weapons R' Us across the street."

Chris looked out the window and sweatdropped when he saw that there, in fact, was a Weapons R' Us right across the street.

---------

The B.O.W. room double doors closed behind her as Claire walked out of the room. There really wasn't anything useful there except some herbs and a bar code sticker, which—knowing how her life tended to work—she'd probably need at some point in the near future. She also made sure to take note of the gas mask inside the glass case next to the door.

'_Alright. Time to check out that mining room._' Claire said in her mind. She walked up the short stairs and used the key on the door, discarding it right afterwards. The door opened and she walked into the next room.

The mining room was very foggy, and half of it was actually a giant pit that appeared to have no bottom. Floating above the pit was a big digger truck with a large drill on it held up by a crane on the second floor. To her immediate right were some bigass steps, which lead to a large empty space. Near that space was a short stairs that led up to a pipe with a hole shaped like an octagon on it, which looked like there would usually be a valve handle there. Ice coated the walls of the room, and she assumed that it must be near the outside of the building.

'_If I can get that truck onto the floor, maybe I could use it to break through the ice…_' Claire thought hopefully, but she'd have to worry about getting onto the second floor of the building first—the ladder leading up to it was, of course, broken.

There was a door in the far left corner of the room. Since there didn't seem to be anything useful in the room, she walked over to it and opened it, walking into the next room.

The room was dark, but not too dark to impair her vision. There was a giant power generator in the far end of the room. "That's it!" she shouted gleefully.

"Bark Bark!"

"…dang."

The soft but quick footsteps (or pawsteps, I should say) of a zombie dog was heard. Claire pulled out her bowgun and looked around worriedly. Suddenly, she heard the dog jump and turned to see it flying at her. Before it could hit her though, she fired the bowgun arrow and it hit the canine, 'sploding it.  More footsteps were heard in the distance, quickly coming closer. The biker chick spotted a box of handgun bullets on the a box not too far away and broke into a sprint. She dived for it, grabbed it, reloaded the handgun, got up, and fired behind her just in time to save her ass from being mauled by a zombie dog.

"Wow. There's a lot of action in this chapter." She said. After walking around the room a bit, she found some more green herbs, which she mixed with the others she found, and joyfully smoked. Once she felt Fine again, she looked at the generator. "Now, how to turn this friggin thing on…" She jogged through a kinda fenced labyrinth for a while till she reached the controls. Her gloved hand grabbed the lever to start the generator and pulled it down. Slowly, the generator came to life. "Yay!"

Now just to turn the power back on. She ran over to another control panel not too far away and pulled the lever on it. All the lights suddenly flashed on. Claire would have shouted with glee like before, but instead covered her eyes and hissed because they had adjusted to the darkness already.

A minute or so later, she finally felt comfortable again and ran back into the conveyer belt room. "Now to start pressing some buttons!"

Jumping down the stairs, Clare ran back over to the conveyer belt and pressed the switch on the power controller. The top conveyer belt started up, moving a box with something shiny on it into the next room—Claire didn't notice this though because it's too high up. She walked over to the second conveyer belt, where the other box was. "Must…pull…switch…" Before she pulled it though, she noticed the box didn't have any bar code sticker on it, and would probably need one to make it into the next room. "Well, that's convenient." She pulled the barcode sticker she got earlier out of her pocket (don't ask how it didn't get stuck in there) and placed it on the box, then pulled the switch. The conveyer belt and the box on it moved into the B.O.W. gas room. She followed soon after it, walking into the room.

The minute she opened the door, her nostrils filled with the nasty smell of Anti-B.O.W. gas. She reeled back and coughed hard. "Gah! Just like in Resident Evil 2!" she held her breath and walked into the room, noticing that the box had fallen between a broken gap in the conveyer belt, releasing the gas within it. "Eh, figures." She looked over at the gas mask compartment, seeing that the glass lid had opened. She pulled out the mask and shoved it down her pocket, figuring she might need it later.

"Okay, now for that switch in the save room…"

She ran out of the B.O.W. and conveyer belt room, and back into the icy hallway, only to see a whole crapload of moths there once again. "DAMNIT!"

---_A crapload of handgun bullets and moth eggs later…_---

Very annoyed, Claire stomped into the save room. "I swear to God when I get out of here I'm getting the army to nuke this place or something."

She opened the door and walked back into the save room. The locker was just the way she left it, except now she can finally push that button. She pushed it, and not-really-to-her-surprise, the locker started sliding out of the way, revealing a secret room behind it.

"Finally."

She stepped into the room, noticing the floor was made out of metal grating and—

"Holy shit, who is that!?" Claire looked down beneath the grating, seeing what looked like a human tied to the chair in a basement floor. Falling to her knees to look down, Claire's eyes widened in horror.

The "human"s skin was a dark shade of gray. He looked like a very large man, with cuts and bruises all over his body. He was wearing nothing but some strange bandages covering his legs, looked like some sort of straightjacket. A blindfold covered his eyes, and a giant ax was lying on him, it's handle rested peacefully on his chest. The man looked back up at Claire and let out a loud, inhuman scream. There was a shiny green earring on his left ear, reminding her that it was probably once a gay man.

"That's not cool…" Claire stood back up and stared down at it, her eyes transfixed on the beast's body. '_Could that be the Nosferatu monster that Umbrella worker was talking about? Who did this to that guy?_'

The beast let out another freaky scream as the girl stepped farther into the small square room. The only other thing in the room was a plant pot, but there weren't any herbs in it, which weirded Claire out even more than seeing the freaky monster. Kneeling down again, Claire picked it up and examined it disturbingly closely considering it was only a plant pot. To her surprise, there was a key taped to the bottom of it. "Wow, didn't expect that." She said, and no she wasn't being sarcastic.

'Machine Room Key.' It said on the label.

"…what the fuck is that doing _here_!?" Claire asked. Then she thought about what she just said. "…nevermind, no use asking questions like that in Resident Evil."

Looking down, disgusted, at the monster in the basement once again, Claire slowly backed out of the room. "Umbrella's a sick, sick company." She muttered to herself. She looked down at the key. "I guess it's time to check out the second floor again. I can't wait to get out of here…"

---_Meanwhile, in another part of the world…_---

_Beep!_

_Beep!_

_Beep!_

_Beep!_

"Paper or Plastic?"

"Uh…plastic."

The worker guy at Weapons R' Us threw the whole crapload of guns, ammo, and healing items Chris bought into a bag. "That'll be $525."

"Hooooly…" Chris's eyes widened. "Wow…well…um…"

"Cash or check?"

Chris cleared his throat and flashed his S.T.A.R.S. badge. "I'm from S.T.A.R.S., could you charge it to my account?"

"Alright. What's your name?"

"Um…" Chris considered how much money that'd cost. "…Barry Burton."

The worker guy charged it to Barry Burton's account, and handed Chris the plastic bag. "Have a nice day."

"Thanks."

Chris took the bag and casually walked out of the store. "Now, to get to that dock…"

---_Back in Antarctica…_---

Claire picked up the valve handle and shoved it down her pants. The key to the machine room opened the door to…the machine room, obviously. But she decided to check out the other door in the room before trying to fondle with the controls for the crane holding the miner. The other door lead to an extremely short and useless walkway over the power generator room, which happened to have a square-shaped valve handle for not-even-God-knows why. She turned and opened the door back into the machine room, surprised to see Steve standing at the controls.

"Claire!" Steve yelled, a grin on his face.

Claire gave him a weirded out look. "Where the _fuck _have you been!?"

"Um…" Steve mumbled nervously. "I've been checking out the base."

"It's not THAT big. Why haven't I ran into you again till now?" Claire asked. Then she shook her head. "Oh screw it. Nevermind."

The teenage boy smiled nervously. "I just found out that there's an Australian observation base only about 7 miles away from here!"

Claire raised an eyebrow. "An observation base? What do they observe, penguins?"

Steve shrugged. "I dunno, but that should be our next target."

"How'd you learn this information anyway?"

"Um…Capcom told me."

"Makes sense." The girl looked down at the digger in the mining room below, still being held up by the crane. "If we can break through that wall with that digging vehicle, we might have a chance!"

"Right!" Steve said as he grasped the levers on the controls. "Okay. Let's do it!"

…

Claire giggled. "Let's do it?"

Steve looked at her, blushing. "What!?"

"Heheh, nothing."

Steve pulled the levers and stuff; happy to see the crane was working. It slowly moved the digger across the mining room below to the big open area. Claire walked over to the railing to the boy's right and leaned on it. While operating the crane, Steve looked over at Claire's thin feminine body.

'_Man, she's got a nice ass_…' He thought, smiling. '_She's so pretty…hey, what's the back of her vest say?_' he squinted. '_"Let Me Live"? Hahaha! That's so cool. Pretty fitting thing to wear in this pla—_'

Claire turned to him with a panicked look on her face. "Steve! Watch out!"

He looked back at the crane just in time to see it ram right into a gas pipe, shaking the whole place and spilling toxic gas into the room. Alarms suddenly started to sound as the room already began to fill with the nasty scent and taste of gas.

"Aaah no!" he cried, his voice filled with disappointment and anger at himself. He looked down and tried to press some random buttons for no reason. "It's toxic gas!"

"No shit!" Claire ran over to the door and grabbed the handle. She stopped when she noticed her companion wasn't following her. She ran back up to Steve, grabbed his hand, and tried to yank him into the next room. He was reluctant to go at first, but quickly came to his senses and followed her. They both burst into the next room, panting heavily, and leaning on the railing of the catwalk for support.

And suddenly there was silence once more, no sound except the duo's pants for fresh air (which was weird, because the conveyer belt room below's machines were running and making a whole ton of noise a minute ago). Steve, leaning on the railing, looked down sadly. "It's all my fault…"

"Yeah, I know." Claire said as she casually brushed some hair out of her face. His lack of response told her how disappointed in himself he really was, and she bit her lip. "Steve…I was just kidding. Really. I'm sorry."

He still didn't reply, just staring down at the room below.

"Listen to me. We're going to get out of here, together." Claire said assuredly. Steve stood up and looked at her. Some cheesy romance music began to play. The sound of a record skidding to a halt was heard as Claire continued talking. "But first we need to shut off that gas! We…um…"

"Might be able to do it faster if we split up?" the other teenager asked.

Laughing nervously, Claire replied. "Uh…yeah."

"Kay." Steve said casually. He broke into a sprint past Claire, about to run and do whatever the hell he does when Claire's not looking. Before he left though, Claire called his name.

"Steve."

He stopped and looked over at her.

"Remember. We're getting out of here…together."

More cheesy love music. Steve smiled, turned, and ran once again, somehow getting to the door and walking through it so fast that it was heard before the scene even ended.

The base's heavy machinery faded back into place. Claire looked forward and sighed. "I hope this is almost over."

---_Back to Chris…_---

"Okay, so you want me to let you borrow my boat so you can travel across the world and save your little sister, while battling evil monsters and probably at least one psychopathic blonde psychobitch." The fisherman with disturbingly hairy tattooed arms stated.

"Well…yeah." Chris said. "I promise I'll return it in one piece, I guarantee it."

"Eh, alright." The fisherman said. "Just have it back by Sunday, okay?"

The Redfield brother nodded. "Alright."

"Here, take this." The fisherman handed him a sail. "You're gonna need it if you wanna use my boat."

Chris looked down at the sail and sweatdropped. "Eeer…thanks."

"No problem. My boats the red one over there." the fisherman pointed to an extremely small red boat at the end of the dock. "Take care of her, okay?"

Chris smiled. "Alright. Thank you man!"

Chris ran and jumped into the boat, dumping the bag on one of the seats. He hung up the sail, and untied the rope holding the boat to the dock. He waved at the fisherman as the boat quickly began to sail away.

He turned and looked at the giant ocean horizon, a smile on his face.

"Finally, I'm coming to save you, Claire." Chris said. "Just hang in there…"

The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker music began to play as the boat sailed off into the horizon.


End file.
